November 12th, 2012
Don't You Think a Rhetorical Question Has Feelings, Too?

Recently, while checking out the new linguistics blog, The Lingua File, we came upon an article about rhetorical questions and it sparked a curiosity to learn more about life as a rhetorical device. So we set out to find Rhetorical Question and ask him about his life, his relationships and what makes him tick (hint: basically everything).

The Gabbler: Hello, Rhetorical Question! It’s so great to have you here. How are you doing today?

Rhetorical Question: How do you think I’m doing?

TG: Alright, I guess we’re getting feisty right off the bat. So, RQ…can I call you RQ?

RQ: What else are you going to call me? Chopped Liver?

TG: Why would I call you Chopped Liver? That doesn’t even make sense.

RQ: Sense? You want me to make sense? Have YOU ever tried to only communicate in rhetorical questions? Do you really think it’s that easy?

TG: So life as a rhetorical device isn’t all it’s cracked up to be?

RQ: All it’s cracked up to be? Are you serious? When you always have to answer everything a slightly incredulous, slightly interrogative tone? When everything you say makes you sound like a pissed off, sarcastic asshole who can’t even stand being around other people? Do you really think that’s any kind of life?

TG: But aren’t there some nice rhetorical questions, like, um, like “How do you solve a problem like Maria?” Those nuns seemed so nice!

RQ: So you’re saying my options are pissed off asshole or singing nun? Do those really seem like great options to you? Especially for getting laid?

TG: What is your love life like, RQ? Got anything hot and steamy going on with Onomatopoeia?

RQ: Are you serious? Onomatopoeia? Has it ever occurred to you that my apartment has thin walls and my neighbors wouldn’t exactly appreciate it if I brought a screamer around?

TG: Okay, fair. But are there any other special rhetorical devices in your life?

RQ: Have you even listened to a word I’ve said? Or are you just stupid or something? Do I really seem like the type of guy that women want to be with? Like the kind of man who has the patience and kindness to treat a lady right?

TG: So you have no desire to settle down? To find that special little lady and give her all your loving?

RQ: Did I say that? Did I ever say that just because I treat everyone like shit that I have no feelings of my own? You don’t think it’s even a little bit possible that rippled, cranky waters run deep? That maybe I just want someone to hold me in the middle of the night and tell me that they see the vulnerability behind my snide tone and off-putting manner? Have you ever even CONSIDERED that possibility?

TG: Um, not really? But I really do hope that one day you find somebody. And what about your friends? Who does a rhetorical device hang out with these days? What do you like to do for fun?

RQ: Social life? You call going down to the local pub with Metaphor and Simile and trying to pull apart a real conversation from their ridiculous word puzzles a social life? You really think that’s fun? Have you ever tried to go bowling with Hyperbole? Do you know how annoying it is when he knocks down one pin and goes on and on about how he got a strike? And are you so stupid that you think an afternoon at the batting cages with Oxymoron is fun? As if he could ever make any sense?

TG: Well, I mean, it sounds nice that at least you have so many friends to spend time with…

RQ: Nice? You think it’s nice? Are you mocking me? Or, no, no, are you just a stupid, dumb idiot with zero ability at all to sympathize with the awful life of a rhetorical device? Can’t you even do an interview right? Can’t you even do anything right?

TG: (Glances at her watch) Oh, well look at that! I think our time is up! It’s been wonderful being berated-I mean, talking to you today!

RQ: Do you think I’m as stupid as you are? Do you think I don’t know you’re trying to get away from me? Don’t you think that–

TG:–Well, like I said, I’ve really got to go. Have a nice life! I won’t be in touch!