October 17th, 2012
Obama And Romney Debate About Absolutely Nothing

Just a few hours before presidential candidates took the stage in Long Island at Hofstra University for the second of three debates, President Barack Obama and his opponent, former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney, agreed to meet with The Gabbler for a quick pre-debate to warm up before the night commenced. 

The Gabbler: Thank you so much for quickly stopping in here, President Obama and Governor Romney. We know you have a kind of important debate to get to later this evening.

Mitt Romney: Thank you so, so, so very much for having us here, Lisa. It is Lisa, right? Lee-sah? Am I pronouncing that correctly? It is truly a pleasure to be here, Lisa. I’m thrilled and honored, Lisa. Let me just thank you again–

Barack Obama: –Now hold on, here! I want to talk, too. Liza, I’m honored to be here, too, and all that, but Mr. Romney here is just saying that he’s honored to be here, when in fact, he’s not! He’s just saying that stuff now because the—

MR: –Excuse me!

BO: –And he said all this stuff at The Republican Convention and now he’s just saying all the opposite and last time I checked it wasn’t Opposite Day—

MR: –Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.  Excuse me. Now, you can have your turn when I finish speaking, Mr. President. Lisa, thank you so much again for this. And did I mention that that shade of forest green really brings out the color of your eyes?

G: Um, okay. Let’s get started. We’ll address the first question to you, Mr. Romney. What is your position on contraception?

MR: Thank you so much for asking this question! I’m so excited, and honored, and blessed, really, to be here, answering all your questions like this. That reminds of this great story about my father teaching me how to ride a bike. That’s what America is all about, really. You know? Gosh. Excellent question—

 BO: –I’ll tell you my position on contraception, but first, let me tell you exactly what Mitt Romney believes. When Mitt Romney made those controversial comments about Planned Parenthood last–

 G: Actually, President Obama, I hadn’t asked you yet, because it isn’t your turn! Now what does any of this have to do with contraception, Mr. Romney?

MR: Great question, yet again.

 BO: I’ll tell you Mr. Romney’s position!

G: Can you tell me your own position first?

BO: Nope. But I can tell you his!

 G: Well, I have learned absolutely squat about either of your stances on contraception thus far. Let’s try another question. This time to you first, Mr. Obama. Can you spell out your plan – explicitly, and in a step-by-step manner – for reducing the country’s deficit?

BO: Did I mention that Bin Laden is dead yet?

G: What does that —

BO: Well, it wasn’t easy. But I did it.

G: Is that your response?

BO: For now Liza, yes. If I think of anything, I’ll just loudly interject.

G: That’s not how this works. You will wait until your next turn. Mr. Romney?

MR: Thank you, Lisa! Thanks so very much for this! Thanks a million! I mean, I’ll tell you Lisa, your hospitality has just been WONDERFUL. To get back on topic, the recipe for Irish Brown Bread is—

BO: –No fair! He can’t just say that! I was going to tell everyone the recipe for Irish Brown Bread.

G: President Obama, you had your turn. And more importantly, what does a recipe have to do with running a country? Lets try another question. Governor Romney, what is your stance on gun control?

MR: Great question, Lisa! Excellent question, Lisa! Thanks so much for asking! Can I call you Lis?

G: No. I need an answer–

BO: FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO—

G: Mr. President, so help me God, if you interrupt me again, I’m going to lose it.

MR: You are absolutely right, Lisa. He doesn’t appreciate your questions the way that I do, Lisa. Thank you so, very much for saying that. My heart goes out to you. It really does. It bleeds for you, Lisa.

 G: Oh, shut up, will you?

MR: Thank you for being so candid, Lisa! How rare that is—

BO: A NEW NATION, CONCEIVED IN LIBERTY AND DEDICATED TO THE PROPOSITION–

G: STOP IT! TELL ME WHAT YOUR PLAN IS FOR GUN CONTROL. OR HEALTHCARE? THE ECONOMY? THE DEFICIT? EDUCATION? TELL ME ONE FUCKING THING THAT MATTERS IN THIS ELECTION!

MR: Lisa, may I just say that you are compellingly attractive when you’re angry–

BO: –I can tell you my positions. But not at this moment, because I’m going to tell you what Mr. Romney believes about each of those things.

G: But what about what YOU believe, Mr. Obama? You’ve been our president for four years, and so many Americans still feel like they still know next to nothing about you.

BO: I can tell you that I’m reading J.K. Rowling’s new book! It’s not very good, unfortunately. Not enough Quidditch.

G: OKAY, ENOUGH. Forget it. I can’t listen to any more of this. Here’s hoping that the two of you actually say something of substance at the official debates later this evening. Goodnight, America, and I have to tell you, good luck.