Tomorrow the MTV reality sensation Jersey Shore premieres its final season. The popular show, while often controversial, has been an economic boom for the small New Jersey resort town, Seaside Heights, where it’s filmed. To reflect on the impact of the show on the town, The Gabbler met with the Seaside Heights boardwalk, a one mile strip of carnival games, restaurants, and shops that is the heart of the community and is often featured on Jersey Shore.
The Gabbler: Hi, Boardwalk! It’s nice to finally meet you! As a young New Jerseyan, I’ve spent many a fine evening strolling along your boards, cheese fries in my hands, inhaling the salty smell of the ocean, watching the lights of the ferris wheel in the distance…
Boardwalk: Ah, well thank you, dear. You sound like one of the good ones. You know, in my almost one hundred years of serving as the entertainment mecca of this small town…
TG: Wait, WHAT?! You’re one hundred?! I gotta tell you, you do not have the boards of a one hundred year old. Especially not with all the water damage you must go through every year!
B: Well, thank you. I did have a nice makeover following the Great Atlantic Hurricane of ’44, which tore me up quite a bit. And of course there was that catastrophic fire of ’55. I had to be completely redone after that. Plus, every girl needs regular maintenance to keep looking spry. Especially with all this media attention.
TG: True. And how has the added media attention affected you?
B: Well I can’t say it’s been all bad. The people in my town really depend on this fragile summer tourist economy for their income. They have to make a year’s income between Memorial Day and Labor Day. And so, if sales of “Snooki’s Favorite Deep Fried Pickles” can help them pay for their winter heating bill, who am I to judge?
TG: But?
B: But it wasn’t always like this. All this about “GTL” and “guido juicehead gorillas,” whatever those are. I mean, yes, I’ve always been a safe haven for 65 year old women who want to wear skin tight leopard print clothing or people who unabashedly cover all their food in funnel cake batter and deep fry it. I’m not an opera house or a ballet company or even an all inclusive Caribbean resort. I’m fried food and carnival games and rides that spin you upside down and in circles.
TG: So it sounds like Jersey Shore wasn’t too off the mark, then.
B: But it was, you see. I’m a place where a 15-year-old girl in a bikini can proudly show off the new body that puberty gave her this past winter. I’m not the place where 18-year-old girls are derided as “grenades” and then still brought home for a one night stand and used like an animated movie prop. I’m the place where you get a beer with your cheese fries, not where you run onto the beach in slippers, drunk in the noon sun, puking all over the sand. I’m the place where children smile and laugh when they finally win their favorite carnival game, not the place where these children have to be quickly pulled aside by their parents because a mob of people is sprinting down me, looking for Pauly D in some bar. I’m blue collar family, not classless twenty something looking for their next lay.
TG: Well what do you think of the cast? Snooki, Deena, Pauly D, JWow, Vinny, the Situation, and, of course, everyone’s favorite dysfunctional lovebirds Ronnie and Sammie?
B: Oh don’t even get me started on Ronnie and Sammie. Lovebirds? I’ve seen more love between two strangers going at it underneath Casino Pier. And the Situation? What is that exactly? The only situation I see is a sad old man trying to seduce young girls with a six pack that’s almost as creepy looking as his gnarly face. Snooki was once what I believe your generation calls “a hot mess” but she’s grown up before my eyes. She lived out the modern day fairy tale. You know, of meeting Prince Charming at a club, sleeping with him before you even know his name. Then a few drunk sexts later, you’re Facebook official and you end up getting knocked up and settling down. But at least she’s settled down. The rest, frankly, bore me. What’s the big deal about gross men degrading gross women after they sleep with them? Or about women drunkly yelling at each other for no reason?
TG: But you did say that there’s been a clear economic benefit?
B: Well, yes. People have to occupy themselves somehow while they wait for the cast to emerge. Not to mention the money the borough makes from parking and beach passes. I mean, I’m just a few miles away from Island Beach Park, where admission to the beach, including parking and use of their showers and bathrooms is just $10 per car. No matter how many people you can fit in car! And yet people would rather come here and pay $5 per person for a beach badge, not to mention the cost of parking, just to be on the beach where Snooki made a fool of herself. It’s ridiculous, but it’s helped the town astronomically. I have to say, I’ll be sad to see that go.
TG: So you’re upset the show is leaving?
B: I’m upset the money is leaving. I can’t wait until they finally take down all these Jersey Shore signs. They just make me feel so dirty. It’s like MTV is a terrible boyfriend and finally after over a decade of Summer Beach Houses and True Life specials and finally, Jersey Shore, he’s leaving me with a full rash of herpes sores. But I know they’ll clear up one day. Hopefully long before another show descends on the town. Unless that show is Cutest Babies of the Jersey Shore. Because that just sounds adorable.
TG: So, Boardwalk, it’s time for the tough question. If you had to do it over again, would you? Do you think the economic benefit was worth the metaphorical “rash of herpes sores?”
B: Of course it was. Listen, I’m like a big old, wooden Mom to this town. And my kids are, mostly, doing really well thanks to Jersey Shore. And can you show me one mother who wouldn’t contract herpes if it meant her kids could maintain their livelihoods in a recession?
TG: I’m pretty sure I could. But, anyway, thank you for meeting with me today, Boardwalk. It was lovely to meet the woman behind the boards.
B: Thank you.
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