September 13th, 2013
Diary Entry from George W. Bush Reveals that Obama’s Tuesday Night Speech Made Him Feel “Icky”

A new diary entry from former president George W. Bush revealed that President Obama’s speech on Tuesday rubbed him the wrong way, especially with regards to his frequent explicit imagery of dying Syrians to convey the severity of chemical weapons. While we at The Gabbler don’t like to publish secret diaries without the permission of their owners, it appears that Mr. Bush’s diary is actually viewable in its entirety on, which he mistook for a private website application.


Dear Diary,

I got that icky feeling in my tummy again tonight. The strange thing is, it wadn’t from something I did or something mean ole D.C. made me do, neither. It was when I watched Mr. Obama’s speech.

Sure, sure, I get it. He wants to send a message to Syria. Limited strikes, or some other damn euphemistical way of sayin’ he’s droppin’ bombs with them drones of his on ‘em. I think it’s a complicated sitch-ee-ation, and I don’t envy him in the least bit.

He presented his argument well – that man sure is articulate – with a speech that outlined why he wants to go in, what the history is, but I dunno – somethin’ in his speech made me feel all icky again. It was a lot like watching those infomercials with them sad looking African kids with them weird-looking potbellies, or the commercials where Sarah McLachlan sings a depressing little ditty while a slideshow of skinny dogs with sad eyes plays in the background.

He’s tryin’ real hard, all right. With all that talk of the “writhing” children on the “cold hospital floor” and the “women and children lying in rows” and the “foaming at the mouth” and the father “clutching his dead children.”

I felt sad when I hear that stuff, but I also felt a little, well, manipulated.  I started to cry, and how the heck am I supposed to make a rational, edumacated decision about this stuff when I get all emotional? That would be like me showing footage of 9/11 bombings in order to make people wanna go into Iraq – wait, I did that, huh? Shoot.

The fact is, and I’m sure Mr. Obama knows this well, there will be dead children no matter what we do. He said himself that we ain’t no “pinprick” kinda army. The use of chemical weapons is mighty sad, but droppin’ drones on them is also mighty sad. I don’t understand why he didn’t ack-ah-nowledge that aspect, neither.

I don’t know what to do, Diary. It makes me want to paint another pitchure of myself crying in the shower again, because I’m just real sick and tired of the U.S. government playing with American’s fears and emotions. Thank God it ain’t me doin’ it no more.


Sincerely yours,


Comments are closed.