The following letter was found by a postal worker in a New Jersey United States Postal Service mail processing center and promptly sent into The Gabbler. The letter contained no name or return address by which to identify this “Natalie,” but nonetheless, we forwarded it along to Santa Claus, who we are hoping will help a sister out this Christmas.
Please don’t tell my mom — or anyone, really — that I’m writing to you!!! You probably know what I’m about to say because you see people when they’re sleeping and know when they’re awake and all that other magical stuff, but just in case you don’t, I have to tell you a secret: I’m Jewish. But the truth is, Santa, I’m writing to you because Christmas seems…awesome.
It’s not that I want to stop being Jewish or anything. I love matzah ball soup, bagels, knishes, challah (it’s the BEST for french toast), latkes, and kugels. You name it! The only kind of gross thing is gelfite fish, and I just feed it under the table to our family dog, Gentile! Plus, anytime I go to a friend’s house and their mom cooks something that smells really gross, I just get all quiet and politely ask if it’s “Kosher.” It never is, so I just tell them that it’d be safest if I have just a cookie or something. I can’t wait for my bat mitzvah, either – I hear you make out like a bandit ($$$). Plus, we get all our Jewish holidays off in addition to Christian holidays, even if we have a test that day! Sweet! So yeah, being a Jew is great.
Look, I’m not even sure if you’re real. My dad says that you’re “nothing but a symbol of the loss of religion at the hands of consumerism” but I tried Googling that and I kept seeing pictures of President Obama with devil horns. Weird, huh? So maybe I’m writing to a big, fat nobody. But I’m kind of hoping you are real, because if all these rumors about Christmas Miracles are true, maybe you’re the only one who can help me.
Will you help me convince my parents to let me have a Christmas? Just one! I know that a Christmas tree is just a waste of a perfectly lovely pine tree and the world wastes enough trees as it is– according to my mom, anyways – but nine lone candles are nothing compared to a huge tree with glittering lights! Never mind decorating the outside with thousands more and blow up Santas and fake snow machines! Jeez.
Plus, the PRESENTS. We get eight, if a Jewish kid is LUCKY. One for each night of Hannukah. (I already tried pointing out that we really should get nine presents, considering that the menorah technically has nine candles and all, but my mom just laughed at me.) But, like, my friend Haley is Catholic and she got 26 presents last year. And she even told me her family only goes to church twice a year and her dad sleeps the whole time! (Not that I’m trying to get Haley or her dad on the naughty list or anything, Santa. I’m just a little upset.) Plus, you know what? Those 26 presents weren’t even including her stocking!
And you know what else? Gelt chocolate isn’t even that good. Like sure, chocolate is chocolate, but I don’t know who makes this gelt crap. It always tastes stale. I’ll take Christmas cookies and candy canes and those yummy mint M&M’s that only come out around Christmas any day.
It’s just not fair, Santa. My friend Danny, who says his family is a “buncha atheists,” (he says that means that his parents are in a fight with God or something) still gets Christmas. And every time I watch Austin and Ally or iCarly, there is, like, always a Christmas special. Don’t even get me started on the 25 Days of Christmas on ABC Family!
So I’m asking you for one wish, Santa. If you’re out there, and this letter makes it to the North Pole in time, please convince my parents to let us have Christmas. Just once! Stockings, mistletoe, tinsel, carolers, Black Friday, the works. And lots and lots of presents– at least 30! I just want one year where my dad doesn’t make me listen to Adam Sandler’s Hannukah song on repeat, you know?
Thank you, and Merry Christmas!