The Gabbler received the following letter, along with an explanatory note, via courier on Monday morning. Both were written in Italian. Luckily, friend of The Gabbler Vinny Guadagnino, of Jersey Shore fame, was able to produce a loose translation of both documents. The letter appears to be a copy of an original sent by Pope Benedict XVI to Bishop Leonard Blair of Toledo, Ohio. At the time of the correspondence, Bishop Blair was leading the Vatican’s Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith’s investigation of the Leadership Conference of Women Religious, the largest group of nuns in the United States. Since the time of the letter, the Congregation has concluded its investigation and officially admonished the nuns for investing too much time and resources into health services and poverty issues and too little into the Catholic Church’s fight against abortion and homosexuality.
DISCLAIMER: The Gabbler cannot guarantee that Vinny Guadagnino’s Italian translation is correct, or even that Guadadnino is Italian. (Look, we need a translator, pronto! Capisce?!)
Explanatory Note
Yo guys,
It’s the Pope’s butler! You know, the one who’s going to prison for leaking documents? Well, I’m back with more. You see, I copied a few extra letters while the Pope was busy gazing at his ceremonial robes (he does that a lot) and when all the shit went down with the leaks back in January, I told that Benedict that he hadn’t heard the last of me! And that if he didn’t want to blow the lid off of the Vatican’s whole “we hate women” thing that they have going on (not to mention, a weird clothes obsession), that he should just let us part as friends and try out that whole forgiveness shtick that good old J.C. loved so much. But if he ever changed his mind about that, I let him know that I had some more documents, ready to leak around the world. So if you’re reading this, that means that he’s gone back on his Popely word and something has happened to me. So, sit back, grab a nice glass of red wine, and enjoy a journey into the mind of the Pope. The topic: those feisty American nuns and how to make them respect the symbolic “No Girlz Allowed” sign kept over the entrance to the Vatican’s highest echelons of power.
Peace out,
The Butler
Letter
December 12th, 2011
Yo! Hey, Bishop Blair!
It’s the Pope! From Rome! I just wanted to check in on our little situation over there, with the nuns. You know, the women folk who want to take over our church completely and destroy everything that Christ ever stood for!
This sitch is serious, Blair. Do you know how hard I had to fight to get to be Pope and have this sweet wardrobe? Do you know how long I waited? They don’t hand over the keys to the Popemobile to just any shmuck off the street. You really have to outsmart hundreds of thousands of other men who have dedicated their lives to this church in the hope of getting their hands on the Popely regalia.
And now we have these “independent” women, flouting the Vatican’s rules. Running around, helping the poor and sick when there are gay dudes everywhere. When any woman can just abort her baby because she’s PMSing that day or however that girl stuff works. The point is, they’re not doing what they’re told and I don’t like it.
You know why, too, don’t you, bro? This isn’t a good sign. If those women rise against us, if they come after the whole ordination deal then they’ll be all over priesthood. And before you know it, we’ll have to fight men and women for the keys to the Popemoblie. Do you know how awful these crimson robes would look against a nun’s ashen skin? And these headdresses weren’t made to accommodate long hair, okay?
So you better get those chicks under control, man. Make up some bullshit about the law of the church respecting them in their proper role as nuns only. Man, that’s perfect, say that. Women love stuff about respect. Just calm them down and then get them back to their jobs: listening to the men in charge of the church and getting a real handle on the whole gays and abortions thing.
The thing is, these women are making real strides in some places with the whole helping out the poor and sick thing. And I get it, okay, I’m the Pope, I know all about that whole “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth” Matthew 5:5 thing. But you know that can’t happen, right? Because the poor are the backbone of the Church. They’re the only ones hopeless enough to grasp onto every word that we say, including that whole no contraception thing. They’re the only ones stupid enough to keep producing babies for the Church, no questions asked. And they give a much higher percentage of their income to the collection plate than those stingy upper class Catholics.
Plus, they’re so helpless we can justify interfering in their daily lives no problem. Just think about it, Blair. Picture the New Testament without the helpless and the poor and the sick. Without those people to justify His good works, Jesus is just some dude running around telling everybody else what to do and what to believe. And no one wants to be that guy. Without the poor and the sick we’ve got nothing, just some whining about the gays and abortions and condoms. We’d be ruined.
Listen, man, there are great things coming to you out there in Toledo, Ohio if you can just get this done and I can stop worrying and go back to organizing my robes in rainbow order. I’m talking money, promotions, prestige. You name it. I know it can’t be all that fun being bishop in a little backwater like Toledo, even with the glory of Rome behind you, but I can help make it big. I’ll even throw in some saint’s body parts if you get it done with minimal media coverage.
Just get it done, Blair. And soon.
Peace Out,
The Pope
Follow us on Twitter
Join our RSS feed
