The following cover letter was sent to a corporation that wishes to remain anonymous. The letter was from a young college graduate who had previously applied for the position of Office Manager/Executive Assistant to the CEO. As the applicant did not possess the necessary qualifications (namely, four to five years’ experience in banking and an MBA, preferred) he was never contacted by the company, despite making numerous phone call and email follow ups. After several weeks without contact, the company’s HR department received the following unsolicited cover letter, along with a resume that consisted only of the applicant’s contact information and the words “FUCK YOU” in bold, large, capital letters. The contact information for the corporation and the applicant has been omitted below to protect privacy.
20th July 2012
To whom it may concern;
I am writing to apply for the job of Fuck You at How Fucking Hard Is It to Answer One of 35 Follow Up Emails or One of 27 Follow Up Calls Incorporated. As a recent college graduate just looking for one person in the whole fucking universe to take my Liberal Studies major seriously and let me finally cash in on the dreams promised to me in exchange for a $50,000/year education, I feel that I am especially qualified to work at a company that is clearly as douchey as yours.
See, like your awful corporation, I too can be a total dick to desperate applicants who just want to move out of their parents’ creepy, moldy, spider-filled basements and maybe be able to, oh, I don’t know, actually score with that hot chick from the bar because they’ll have a swanky, new apartment to take her to. I’m not sure if this got through with my initial application, but I am a total asshole, just like you guys! I mean sure, most of my experience is just with lying to women and hazing new members at my fraternity, but I’m sure after this big fish gets to the nasty, polluted, assholish waters of your company’s big pond, I’ll soar (you know, in a fishy kind of way) and learn how to crush the dreams of us mere mortals, too. I mean, I too believe that there’s nothing like saying to a kid who spent Friday night after Friday night in the library pushing for that magna cum laude (even though it was his senior year and he was basically a GOD at his fraternity) that, oh all that effort, was not good enough. But show us your MBA and your four years of experience and we’ll consider interviewing you for a job that basically involves scheduling the CEO’s meetings and picking up his lunch from the deli around the corner. Because I definitely wouldn’t be able to remember that he wants mustard, not mayo, on his pastrami sandwich without another $100,000 or so of education and some concrete job experience ordering sandwiches.
Which is why I’m sending you this letter, along with my resume, to see if there are any opportunities in your HR department. Like, I said, I want to be a dream-crusher, too, a total douche bag, asshole, cock-sucking dickwad who shits all over, not just the dreams of other people, but their sense of themselves as a worthwhile person who might one day actually be able to contribute to society in a real, meaningful way. And I really think that your company, which clearly shares my desire to treat people like useless sacks of shit, is the ideal place for me to start my dream-crushing career.
But, seriously, you have a job for me, right? Because my mom has started padlocking the refrigerator and kitchen cabinets so that I can’t get to the food until I start paying the rent she says she and my father asked for as a condition for my moving back home. I swear I’ll do anything you need me to do for as little as $25,000/year. I really have some qualifications. I was in a fraternity, we were rejecting and accepting and training new members all the time. Plus we had to follow all the finicky rules of our national chapter and our university. Isn’t that what HR does? Because I can do that. Seriously, any job opening, just contact this guy and I’ll do it.
I hope you’ll be in touch. Please note that the cell phone number on my older application is no longer in service, but I can be reached at my current job at the ———- Home Depot at xxx-xxx-xxxx Tuesday-Saturday from 11am-8pm. Just ask for Stock Boy Number Seven.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your fucking sunshine-filled day as well as the eternity you’ll most likely spend rotting in hell.
Sincerely,
John
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