The following letter was received by the White House today via special courier. It was addressed to “Lady Liberty” and was found inside a birthday card with a crisp ten dollar bill. There was no return address, although it appears to have come from the small town of Clint, Texas, located just over the Mexican border in El Paso County.
July 4th, 2012
To my sweet Lady Liberty, on this, your 236th birthday,
Oh how I love you! You cradled me in your bosom of prosperity until I grew strong and free; free enough to shout out all of the reasons for my love of you!
One. My right to bear arms. Just yesterday I had the pleasure of shooting down a few beautiful hares, a pleasure denied to all in Sweden according to a friend’s cousin’s close reading of the Girl with a Dragon Tattoo series. But here in America, guns are treasured, treated like the jewels they are and a fine man’s afternoon of fine hunting is never unjustly cut down by an irrational fear over the deadliness of his weapon.
Two. My freedom of speech. Here in America you can say the most awful things and no one is legally allowed to criticize you for it, according to some online discussion forums I’ve been on. See, you can say something truly disturbing, like “the Redskins are going to kick the Cowboys’ ass this Sunday” and no one is allowed to discredit you. And the true beauty of America is that this freedom, this right to express your innermost thoughts isn’t just bound to your words, it extends to your clothing. Why, I once saw a man wearing a Redskins jersey in a bar and I wasn’t even allowed to kick his ass for it. Legally, he was protected. And while that might have bothered me at the time, I love to live in a country where truth and lies, love and hate, meaning and pure drivel can all wring out from sea to shining sea without fear of arrest or physical assault.
Three. The America Dream. Every American is the next Rockefeller, the next big millionaire next door. We’re all living that dream. I grew up in a two room house, with barely a fan to circulate the stagnant Texas heat. Now I have a two bedroom apartment with central air and a beautiful wife to enjoy it with me. Of course Tammy’s been talking about downsizing ever since they cut back her hours at the supermarket and they started laying off people at my job. But all American Dreams have ups and downs and we’re just one lottery ticket away from those streets paved with gold.
Four. Your God-fearing people. Americans are the greatest people in the world. We know how to love and respect each other in the way that Jesus truly intended, because we’ve chosen to be born again, to look Our Savior in the face and thank Him for His sacrifice. No politician has ordered us, no, we have freedom of religion. We’re even free to become godless heathens who will enjoy eternity in hell, if we so choose. Although, I don’t know many, because freedom of religion guarantees me the right to shun all non-Christians, just as Jesus intended.
Five. Your natural beauty. From the clear mountain waters, to the endless plains, to the beautiful beaches, to the desert sands, America has the eternal beauty of heaven right here on earth. That kind of endless, pristine beauty, forever untouched by human hands isn’t easily found in this world.
Six. Football. The American kind, not the European soccer kind. Greatest sport ever invented.
These, my lovely Lady Liberty, are the reasons why I’ll spend today raising an ice cold beer and a medium-rare, freshly grilled burger to you. Why I’ll watch those fireworks in the sky and remember that God placed me here, with you, in the greatest country in all of creation and why I’ll be so thankful for that every day.
All my love,
John
P.S. Buy yourself something nice with the enclosed.
Follow us on Twitter
Join our RSS feed
