Some of the most popular New Year’s resolutions are to lose weight, eat healthy, and detox from the overindulgence of the holiday season. Luckily for us, there’s a simple template we can all follow to easily achieve these goals in just ten days: the Master Cleanse! This program replaces all of that fatty, gross, actual food, with lemonade flavored with cayenne pepper and maple syrup (plus a steady diet of laxatives to get things “detoxing”). However, the Master Cleanse is not for the faint of heart or of stomach, as the following diary entry of the cleanse’s latest victim reveals.
January 3rd, 2014
Juice Cleanse Day 1
I feel great already. This lemonade stuff really isn’t that bad. I don’t know what everyone’s whining about. Plus, how can you even get that hungry? You get to have lemonade every single time you get even a little bit hungry or feel just a tiny bit week. I’m going to be SO hot in 10 days.
January 4th, 2014
Juice Cleanse Day 2
OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. I just did my first Salt Water Flush a few hours ago. I’m still on the toilet. (I just grabbed my iPhone so I could still document this shit. Literally. There is SO much shit.) When is going to stop? This is worse than the time I got tacos from that stand by the side of the road in North Carolina. OH MY GOD. I think it’s happening again.
January 5th, 2014
Juice Cleanse Day 3
I shit my pants today in the grocery store. No, seriously. I went to buy more lemons and I farted. But it wasn’t just a fart. Oh, God. I sharted in the grocery store. And I’m fucking starving. So starving that I followed an old lady around the store for 20 minutes just because she smelled like bologna.
January 6th, 2014
Juice Cleanse Day 4.
First day back at work post-cleanse. It actually started pretty well. I woke up at 5am so that I could get all of my salt flush bowel movements out of the way before I had to leave for work. And I checked the scale and I’ve already lost five pounds! You should see how amazing my ass looks in that pencil skirt that I haven’t been able to squeeze into for almost a year! But then, it was lunch time, and that bitch Robin was just sitting there eating fucking lasagna like it wasn’t January fucking 6th when EVERYONE is on a diet. Like spicy lemonade is going to taste as good as fucking lasagna.
January 7th, 2014
Juice Cleanse Day 5
Well I guess Tom doesn’t like a hot bitch who looks super sexy in a bikini because we just got in a huge fight and he tried to get me to call off the cleanse. Like just because I called him a giant dick who never appreciates my feelings when he didn’t pull up Netflix fast enough. Well guess what, asshole? I’m fucking STARVING and CONSTANTLY pooping and peeing and this lemonade isn’t cutting it. So you BETTER have Orange Is the New Black up by the time I get back from the bathroom, okay?! I want to see some bitches beating the shit out of each other in prison while I daydream about pizza.
January 8th, 2014
Juice Cleanse Day 6
So my boss jumped on the Tom train and is becoming a total dick, too, because he acted all pissed off just because my report had a FEW grammatical errors. Well guess what, I’m SO sorry that you’re all about this fucking proper English bullshit but words are fucking hard when you HAVEN’T EATEN IN SIX DAYS! Of course HE can tell the difference between “their” and “there” he had a fucking onion bagel with cream cheese for breakfast. And I bet HE didn’t have to wake up at 5:00 just to get his two hour long bowel movement over with before the work day started.
January 9th, 2014
Juice Cleanse Day 7
I got fired. That’s right. Apparently there was a critical error in my budget report and when my boss pointed it out to me and I told him to go fuck himself, I was acting “hysterical” and “unprofessional.” Then I passed out from the emotional fatigue and they told me to get professional help. Well, fuck them all. I don’t need them. I have my lemonade and my laxatives to get me through.
January 10th, 2014
Juice Cleanse Day 8
And fucking Tom dumped me. Just because I screamed at him for a few hours after he said the word taco in front of me. Like, how DARE he mention food in front of me? And he acts all innocent and wronged, like I’m just being all irrational? You know what’s irrational? Talking about CHEESE and GROUND BEEF and TORTILLAS and SOUR CREAM in front of someone who hasn’t had solid food in EIGHT FUCKING DAYS. That’s what’s irrational.
January 13th, 2014
Juice Cleanse Abandoned for Two Days Now
Okay, fine. I gave up and ate an entire pizza and a box of cookies after Tom left. Needless to say, I ended up in so much pain, so beyond constipated that not even three salt water flushes could unstop me. And now my pencil skirt doesn’t really fit. And Tom’s gone. And I’m unemployed. Thanks, Master Cleanse.