Over two years ago, The Gabbler’s Jessica Pierce was forced to give up drinking after her sixth hangover-induced seizure. Since then she has often had the pleasure of being the only sober person at the party. What follows is her guide on how to be the only sober person in a room and still have a kickass time.
The key to joyful, carefree sobriety is dancing. Totally uninhibited, reckless, limbs flailing, rhythm-be-damned dancing. Once you shed the need to be a perfectly coiffed, immaculate, Shakira-channeling sexy dancer and instead come out as the sweaty, red-faced, wild girl dancing alone in her underwear all your other inhibitions will fall away.
Perhaps this sounds like too much of a hurdle.
You might ask: “Isn’t dancing like that in public dangerous? What if I accidently slap someone in the face while doing the shopping cart move?”
Of course flailing around like an epileptic mid-seizure on a crowded dance floor is dangerous. But as a sober person, entirely in control of your own faculties, this is as dangerous as your night will probably will get. Welcome to sobriety.
And, of course, without a doubt, you will accidently slap someone in the face. Apologize. Smile. Never stop doing the shopping cart move. It’s a classic.
If all this sounds too overwhelming and your social anxiety is off the charts just reading this article, start small. Try breaking out the running man as a nice cool down after your morning jog in the park. Jam out to your iPod on the subway. Trust me, as long as you pick the car with the crazy homeless man yelling at himself, no one will notice your moves, no matter how spasmodic they are. (Note: a crowded subway filled with commuters is a much less socially acceptable place to accidently slap someone in the face than a bar or club, so be at least a little cautious here.)
Once you’ve mastered the art of quietly dancing by yourself in public while listening to your iPod, it’s time to move up to the big leagues. Invite your most tone deaf friend to karaoke, pump her full of shots, and offer to be her back up dancer while she belts out “Hit Me Baby One More Time.” Everyone will be so preoccupied with her wailing that they won’t even notice your terrible dancing.
But for you, the effect will be much bigger. You will have just successfully danced in front of a bar filled with people. Surely, making your way to a dance floor and busting a move while everyone else is busy focusing on their own hip gyrations and the ass of the guy next to them isn’t nearly as frightening as that?
Once you can dance freely and carelessly, you will have found a refuge, a place of limitless joy at any party. Conversation with your new friends hitting an awkward lull? Hit the dance floor. Sketchy man at the bar hitting on you? Hit the dance floor. Everyone doing shots without you? Hit the dance floor. No dance floor? Make one. Then hit it.
You’ll find that losing your fear of dancing in public will cause all of your other useless inhibitions to melt away. You will make karaoke your bitch. You will easily and happily spend the night befriending every stranger in the bar. You will even get mad numbers, if that’s what your night’s goal really is.
The best part, though, is that the inhibitions that really matter will stick around. You won’t go home with that guy who has all the looks of Paul Giamatti with none of the talent. You won’t jump in the freezing cold ocean in your new dry-clean only dress and try to record the whole thing on your new iPhone.
If you follow this guide carefully, you too should be able to have an amazing alcohol-free night out, whether you’re the designated driver, recently knocked up, on a juice cleanse, or just forced into a life of sobriety by a weird neurological condition.
However, as with anything in life, fun is not always guaranteed. Below is a list of shit that’s not even worth trying to deal with sober. If you encounter any of these while out and sober, it’s probably best if you just head home for the night:
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