April 20th, 2012
Everything I Know About Politics, I Learned in Retail

The following is an excerpt from New Jersey State Senator Lizzy Buckner’s new memoir entitled Politics from the Heart: How a Small Town Jersey Girl Became a Government Hot Shot. Senator Buckner, an independent, is best known for defeating incumbent Senator Bert Whitfield by default in 2008, when he suffered a fatal heart attack days before the election.

Throughout the years, I’ve been asked by a lot of pundits about my huge, dynamite successes in state politics, and I’ve always looked coyly away, not wanting to divulge my biggest secret: everything I know about politics I learned working in retail. I know it sounds absurd, but it’s true. As you all probably know, as a teenager, I worked at New Jersey’s premiere strip mall boutique, Le X. Here’s just a taste of the myriad of  political techniques I gained from my two year tenure there:

1.)    Customer/constituent service is the alpha and omega (that’s Bible talk for beginning and end) of everything you do, philosophically speaking. Practically speaking, starting at 11 a.m. or so, it’s okay to pour all of your efforts into fantasizing about that heaping pile of chicken teriyaki that you’re going to have during your lunch break.

2.)    Whether you’re selling clothes, your own candidacy, or a controversial bill aimed at allowing state senators to access the floor remotely from their Long Beach Island summer rentals, you should never stop talking in the face of someone’s completely obvious disinterest in what you’re saying.

3.)    On that note, always place yourself between whomever you’re speaking with and any obvious exits. They can’t run away if you physically stop them!

4.)    The more time you spend with something (or someone) that used to disgust you – whether it’s a stack of brightly colored skinny jeans or an evangelical senator wanting the  public school biology curriculum  to include “the truth about creationism” – the more amenable they become.

5.)    The appearance of perfection is much more important than actual perfection. So if the shirt at the top of a pile isn’t folded nicely, just put it at the bottom. And if your husband is an incredibly good-looking loud-mouthed jackass with the IQ of a small parakeet, just dress him up nicely for campaign events, but never let him speak.

6.)    Always tell people what they want to hear, but never lie. As in, “Yeah, I really think getting the size small mini-dress instead of your usual extra-large size shows off every single one of your womanly curves.” Or, “That’s true Mr. Senator, Camden does have both a lot of black people and a lot of violent crime.”

7.)    Use clothes to represent your brand well, whether it’s the state’s sexiest strip mall brand of quality, trend-making clothing, or a practical but hip senatorial candidate looking to get the down low on the up high (hint: it’s basically the same outfit).