February 5th, 2014
A Gabbler Tribute to Philip Seymour Hoffman: Death of a Stage Actor

This Sunday we lost the renowned film and stage actor Philip Seymour Hoffman to what appears to be a drug overdose. Originally, I wanted to write a humor piece on this great loss, hoping that I could use humor to somehow assign meaning to a tragedy so senseless. But with every word I felt like I was just mocking my own grief. So, instead, I’d like to present a piece I published back in June of 2013, after the Tony Awards. In this piece, I wrote an email from Hoffman to his Death of a Salesman co-star Andrew Garfield after Garfield lost the Best Supporting Actor Tony to Christian Borle from Peter and the Starcatcher. The piece was originally titled “Presenting Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Death of a Stage Actor” and it’s the only way I know to pay tribute to a man who, by all accounts, was a genius, and who is gone far too soon.

Why you gotta do this to me, Andrew? You were so well liked, Andrew. I saw those crowds, standing and clapping for you. I saw them cry for you. You were a star.

And you’re an Adonis, Andrew. I’ve seen those broads fawn all over you at the backstage door. So how could you lose to such an anemic? Christian Borle. Even his name is anemic. He was just a giant mustache stumblin around the stage and you were Biff, Andrew. The quarterback, the star. Struttin around the stage in your undershirt, you had all the girls goin.

But I’ll tell ya something, Andrew, don’t blame me. Oh no, you just don’t blame me when your career’s rotting away on Dancing with the Stars! Because I’m known. You go to Hollywood or Broadway and you shout out the name Philip Seymour Hoffman and you see what happens, Andrew! All throughout the San Fernando Valley, I’m known. “Philip Seymour Hoffman, Oscar winner, Tony nominee three times runnin, great man,” they’ll say. I’m very foolish-looking, but I’m known.

And you had so much potential, Andrew. Remember when you got nominated for the Best Line from a Movie MTV Movie Award? Remember that? You and JT, now there’s a well-liked man. Not like that anemic Christian Borle. And you’re a great man, Andrew, a great man, but there was no shame in losing the Best Line from a Movie Award to a 7-year-old saying she wants “to get chocolate wasted.” Not like the shame from losing the Tony to Borle.

Why didn’t you pass on Spiderman, Andrew? I’ll never understand why you did it. Everybody likes a superhero, but no one gives him a Tony. They’ll think you’re a kidder, a joke. You gotta be quiet, be fine, be serious. You gotta get your snot all over the stage while you’re cryin, just like you did on opening night. You gotta get your snot on the stage. You can’t be flyin around in the air like that Spiderman. Spiderman! I’ll never understand why you did it, Andrew. You coulda been a great man.

Just don’t blame me, Andrew! Wasn’t I a good stage dad? Didn’t I always enunciate? Tell ya to break a leg before every show? Didn’t I always teach you not to drink that Rock Star Energy before a performance because the character of Biff don’t get pee breaks? You did it for spite, Andrew. For spite! You wanted that Rock Star Energy. Just don’t blame me because you found all that Monster in my dressing room fridge! That wasn’t nothin! That was business, is all, business. You did it for spite, Andrew! Just don’t blame me! You coulda been a great man, Andrew, a great man…