Lately, major department stores like Target and Neiman Marcus have been victims of massive data breaches that leave their customers vulnerable to identity theft. Identity theft is clearly a huge problem in modern life, with 15 million Americans suffering from financial identity theft a year. But traditional thieves aren’t going down without a fight. Sick of watching their noble profession give way to the technological revolution, a group of petty thieves formed the group Bandits for Traditional Thievery, which published the following pamphlet, instructing muggers on how to “out-steal” identity thieves.
Too long has traditional theft been caught up in the technological revolution! Traditional petty thievery, once revered amongst criminals and street rats alike, has been marginalized as hackers sit in their ivory towers, scrounging the internet for a bunch of numbers that are supposed to unlock some stranger’s credit history. But don’t think we don’t see you! We’re out there, the muggers of the world, the thieves of the streets, and we want you to know one thing: you will not win this war!
- So, rise up, fellow thieves! Don’t let these zitty teenagers with their clever “computers” and “data breaches” out-steal you! Have the decency to mug people face to face! Follow the steps below to ensure that your haul is as large as any stupid identity thief’s.
- Use technology to your advantage! Just because we don’t steal weird series of numbers doesn’t mean we can’t use technology to find out where a good haul is. Use FourSquare to see who’s nearby. Use OkCupid to figure out income levels, so you can be sure you’re robbing someone with money. Use Facebook to figure out when people are on vacation and their houses are unattended. The possibilities are limitless!
- Hobo bags are your friend. They may just seem like a weird trend to most people, but to us they’re a bag of goodies held together by the most flimsy of magnetic clasps.
- Headphones are your best accomplice. Not your headphones, of course. The mark’s. Seriously, do you think they’re going to notice their wallet’s gone if they’re jamming out to Beyonce that hard? No chance in hell.
- Never forget to hit up dark, crowded bars. It’s amazing the kind of shit people just abandon in the middle of a bar. Fancy coats, purses, wallets, all piled in a corner while everyone’s at the bar begging for their seventh PBR. Plus, they’re all drunk so they won’t even notice you as you slip out the door in their winter jacket, while talking on their iPhone.
- Target the elderly. They don’t even use technology, so those silly identity thieves aren’t getting to them anyway. They don’t even have debit cards! But they do have cash for groceries in their purses and wallets. Go for it!
- When all else fails, use the threat of violence. Guns are everywhere. This is Merica, people! So take advantage. No one’s going to deny you their wallet when you have a gun. And you don’t really even need a gun. Just use your pointer finger and your thumb to create the shape of a gun in your pocket. Because, let’s be honest, violence is wrong. And messy.
So get stealing, Bandits! With our savvy and the world’s stupidity we can maintain our noble profession as the highest form of criminality, even in the face of identity theft!
