The following ad was emailed to The Gabbler offices as part of a campaign to reach urban millenials. It offers a service called BorrowAPhone that provides rentable smart phones to people who find themselves without their phones and unable to function.
Are you terrified by the thought of life without your smart phone? Does the idea of being stuck in the midst of a giant, confusing city with a low battery and no access to Google Maps keep you up at night? Does the memory of the night you lost your phone and wandered the city aimlessly for hours, unable to find your way home still traumatize you? Do you live in fear that your current friend with benefits will finally make it Facebook official and you won’t immediately accept, sending him into the arms of that skinny blonde at the bar where he’s having a guys’ night?
Introducing: BorrowaPhone! Never again will you have to face the directionless world of big, confusing street signs! Never again will you have to choose a restaurant based solely on the menu hanging outdoors rather than on the countless reviews of former patrons! Never again will you ask the question “Am I going to die here?” as you stumble your way through darkened streets without directions home.
The BorrowAPhone service is simple: sign up on your smart phone and pay a monthly fee for any data used should you check out one of our smart phones. If you find yourself without your phone for whatever reason, just check one out for the night, for the day, for the week! They’re always fully charged and hooked up to super, strong, NASA-approved satellites, so you’ll always have a signal, no matter how far from the city you wander.
And because we know that the scariest part of being a BorrowAPhone customer is finding your way to one without the direction of a smart phone, we’ve made them available at all Starbucks throughout the city. An untrained monkey could find a Starbucks in Manhattan, so a twentysomething without a smartphone stands a decent chance! And just in case that’s too much, we’ve create a free app that teaches you all the skills you need to know to get to our phones without assistance in the form of a fun game. Think of it as Plants vs. Zombies, but You vs. Street Signs.
We even upload all of your contact data onto our cloud, so it’s available as soon as you log in, and we can forward all calls and texts to the borrowed phone. With our phones, you won’t have to worry about your friend Ashley getting mad at you because you missed her “Just ate a burrito. Obvs thought of you, chica!” text. And you won’t jeopardize your future employment at the publishing house where you intern, because you’ll still receive your boss’s 2:45 AM email that he’s switching from a double shot cappuccino with skim milk and extra foam to a triple shot latte with vanilla syrup and almond milk and you’ll be able to bring him the right cup of coffee the next morning! And you definitely won’t miss out on the most epic impromptu Saturday night party of the week of June 2nd because you’ll still see the last minute Facebook invite.
But what if I’m not in Manhattan, you might ask? How will I ever make my way to one of these awesome phones? Well you’re in luck, since we’ve also made them available at all independently owned coffee shops in Brooklyn, all McDonalds in the Bronx, and all diners in Queens.*
So sign up for BorrowAPhone immediately! Because if you don’t and tonight you find yourself lost in the terrifying big city without Siri’s assistance, it might be too late.
*BorrowAPhone is unavailable in Staten Island, so, as always, it is unadvisable to go there. Even if the ferry is free.
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