Last Friday, many Americans woke to learn the identity of the alleged Boston Marathon bombers—the Tsarnaev brothers, of Chechen descent. Unfortunately, Chechnya, an obscure Russian region, proved to stretch the bounds of American geographical knowledge and many took to Twitter condemning the Czech Republic and suggesting that the United States invade this central European nation, in the belief that Chechnya and the Czech Republic were one and the same. Eventually, the Czech ambassador was forced to release a statement explaining the difference between the two and describing the long standing friendship between the U.S. and the Czech Republic. Below is our apology to the Czech Republic and all of its citizens.
To the Esteemed Czech Republic,
On behalf of all the Americans who recently took to Twitter to implicate that the Czech Republic held some type of responsibility for the Boston Marathon bombings, we would like to offer our deepest apologies. Not only are we well aware that that Czech Republic is vastly different from the Chechen region of Russia, but we also understand that the rogue actions of two former citizens should not implicate an entire nation (although, once again, to reiterate, we understand that the Tsarnaev brothers are not in fact from the Czech Republic).
We hope you can understand that we’ve been struggling a bit with this whole public education thing lately. We try, we really do, but between teaching to the test, teachers’ unions, socioeconomic pressures that lead to the breakdown of the family unit in impoverished areas, and the inherently slow pace of our nation’s bureaucracy, we’ve really been unable to fix much. Unfortunately, with the rise of social media the ignorance of our people seems to just be spilling out into the internet like the cleavage of a college freshman at her first frat party.
Really, to be completely honest, we’re just relieved that this confusion is based (most likely) on the similar sounding hard “ch” at the beginning of the name of your country and Chechnya. We have several more apology letters to write today, mainly excusing tweets that had decidedly more racist undertones.
And we can assure you that Americans better educated about your country love you guys! Many a young American, looking to “find themselves” while backpacking through Europe, has sought refuge in the fairy tale streets of Prague. We also hear that the Czech Republic has the highest rate of beer consumption per capita in the world! That’s a number one spot that Americans truly respect and admire.
Once again, we would like to apologize for the confusion and assure you that, regardless of the many suggestions made by Americans on Twitter, we are not, in fact, planning to attack or invade you in retaliation for an attack for which you bear no responsibility.
Sincerely,
The Gabbler, on Behalf of the United States of America
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