February 25th, 2013
And the Oscar Goes to: the Belgian Diamond Thieves!

As America spends the day discussing the winners of last night’s Academy Awards, some are already looking forward to next year’s show. In fact, the leader of the team of bandits that recently managed to steal over $50 million worth of diamonds at Brussels International Airport is already looking to turn his story into next year’s Best Picture winner. This morning he sent the following letter to The Gabbler, hoping that someone in Hollywood would read it and begin work on the film immediately.

Dear Hollywood,

First, allow me to introduce myself. I am the genius, the mastermind behind the recent diamond heist at the Brussels airport. I’m sure you’ve heard of it; we managed to steal over $50 million in diamonds and precious stones and metals in a matter of minutes. The media was immediately abuzz with how the whole robbery resembled a film.

Which brings me to the point of this letter: I would like to prematurely accept your gratitude for giving you the real life events that will inspire your Oscar-winning Best Picture of 2014, for surely this will become a film, a great film. In fact, that was actually the primary motivation for the heist. Of course, the $50 million of diamonds was some incentive, but, as a true lover of the art of film, I did this for you, Hollywood. To inspire your future creations. Think of me as your European muse. You’re welcome.

I know what you’re thinking, too. 2014? Isn’t that a bit too soon for a movie about a 2013 heist? Wouldn’t we need to already be in pre-production to even release that movie on time? Probably. So you better get to work. And if you would allow me to build my case for a 2014 release date. In a word (or three): Zero Dark Thirty. If that movie taught us anything, other than the usefulness of waterboarding, it’s that it’s never too soon to start reflecting on historical events in film. Why, I bet the fish hadn’t even begun feasting on Osama bin Laden’s corpse when Ms. Bigelow started working on that film! I Perhaps that film serves as a bad example, as it was snubbed quite a bit at the Oscars. But, we all know it ruffled the feathers of the CIA a bit too much, and how concerned can they be with a little diamond heist off in little old Belgium, right? So that problem surely won’t apply here.

With that issue addressed, let me provide you some of the background on our heist. I’m sure you’ll find it to be Oscar gold. I’m sure, though, you’ll understand if I obscure certain details of my past. I wouldn’t want to make it too easy for the police to catch me! It is so fun, after all, watching them bumble through all the details without even coming close to finding me.

To begin, I am from a European country, doomed to economic collapse and constant protesting in the past half-decade. No matter which one, though. Other important information about me, essential to your future Oscar winning film, is that I am both a genius and an avid horseback rider. These characteristics, according to Andrew B. Bernard’s seminal paper “An Index of Oscar-Worthiness: the Academy Award for Best Picture” are central to winning Best Picture. Films with leads who get on a horse and who are geniuses are statistically more likely to win.

The planning of the heist, as I’m sure you’re well aware, will take up a good chunk of the movie, but again, I’m unable to provide you with much detail on that at present. Suffice it to say, we had inside help and are all brilliant, highly skilled thieves from a very young age. Please refer to Google News for further details on exactly what happened on the tarmac that day. And think, maybe James Bond meets Catch Me If you Can meets Ocean’s Eleven meets any film that has ever won Best Picture, whether it deals with robbery or not. Nothing like poaching ideas from past winners to put you ahead of the pack!

The true Oscar gold of the story, though, is what happened to inspire the heist. See, like all businesses, thievery is dependent on a robust economy. As a highly skilled thief in a failing economy, the fun and excitement really went out of my work and I had turned to a more traditional line of work: unemployment, with a side of angry protesting when there was nothing good on TV. Unfortunately, though, my homely wife who I loved dearly for her sweet, darling personality (to be played by a breathtaking actress in heavy makeup to make her seem as ugly as my dear wife) had whatever mental or physical disease is in vogue in 2014 when the movie is released (we must be topical after all!).

Of course this disease wreaked havoc on our family, including our adorable and precocious children, one of whom we adopted from some African country, so that Beasts of the Southern Wild’s Quvenzhané Wallis can play her in the film. Perhaps include a sequence of the fantasy world she created in her own mind to deal with her mother’s illness?

Luckily, I heard of a potential treatment for my wife’s disease, available for great expense in the United States. I wished only to have access to this health care for her, but how could we, a humble family from a failing European economy afford such essential care for her? And so I hung up my protesting shoes for a life of thievery once again. I am, basically, a real life Jean Valjean, doomed to serve time for stealing to support my family. But I don’t go after pittances like bread, I go for the real gold. Or diamonds, if you will. In fact, Les Mis was well-received. Maybe consider doing the whole thing as a musical?

Here is where your fabricated version of the heist, from initial planning stages to that historic day at the Brussel’s airport should be. I’m sorry I can’t be more specific, but feel free to use your imagination, be dramatic, and don’t forget to intersperse the planning with scenes of my poor, homely wife, suffering in silence from a topical disease, and our darling African child retreating into her own fantasy world.

Now, following the heist, carried out successfully, my family takes our cut of the money and flies to the U.S., where my wife is treated and miraculously cured! We are so happy. Until, of course, INTERPOL catches up with me. I’m dragged away from my loving family knowing that my wife, now free from her former mental and/or physical pain, is able to care for our family while I rot away in prison, knowing I did what a man should do and saved my one true love.

That should give you a basic idea of the plot line. Of course, feel free to have your young, indie scriptwriter fill in some more edgy details, as long as they’re in keeping with plot points that the Academy has traditionally rewarded.

A few more quick notes on how the film should be staffed:

• Absolutely NO female or black directors. Black directors NEVER win Oscars and, although Ms. Bigelow has been making quite a splash lately, the Academy is unlikely to reward a female again after her Hurt Locker and Zero Dark Thirty showings.
• The Lead should be from a British Commonwealth Country, as Mr. Bernard points out that this, too, is a statistically significant indicator of an Oscar Best Picture winner. May I suggest Hugh Jackman? Like him, I am rugged, but smooth, intense, but vulnerable, and extremely sexy overall.
• It MUST NOT be a comedy. Comedies never win and I was very careful to construct a heist that was in no way funny. If you would like a nice comedic touch, though, feel free to throw in Christoph Waltz as my right-hand man.
• Be sure to highlight the political aspects of the story. For example, our use of machine guns in the heist, to menace the pilot and security forces on the tarmac so that we were able to take the diamonds without any real challenge. How does this fit into the overall American gun debate? Perhaps they were fake machine guns. Could this show the effectiveness of fake guns in preventing future school shootings? Maybe arming teachers with fake weaponry is the compromise in the debate over whether more guns is the solution to ending future violence or not? And what about the failing economy around me, the crashing down of everyone’s hopes due to the negligence of either the government or the private sector, depending on which country you’d like me to come from? There are so many angles here! Don’t be afraid to use them all!
• Be sure to use a young, indie writer, but maybe make it someone unexpected. May I suggest Lena Dunham? This isn’t her normal subject matter, but she’s very high profile, so if she pulls it off it will certainly be in the news. Plus, I am often nude in my life and I feel like she would be very easily able to work that into the screenplay.
• Please, only higher the classiest of actors, actresses, directors, producers. I don’t want any of the debacle seen at this year’s awards to reflect poorly on my movie. No falling up stairs a la Jennifer Lawrence or overindulging in liquor a la Quentin Tarantino.
• Most importantly of all, once you receive the nomination, CAMPAIGN, CAMPAIGN, CAMPAIGN. Reaching out to the Academy and campaigning for the Best Picture win is essential to success.

If you very carefully follow my instructions in this letter, we are sure to have a winner next year! Now, please, get to work. You should have been in pre-production months ago.

Sincerely,

The Brussels Diamond Thief