December 3rd, 2012
Hey Kids! Let's Count Down to Doomsday!

The following ad was due to run in the November 2012 issue of the popular children’s magazines Highlights and Tiger Beat but was pulled from both at the last minute due to concern over its extremism. It advertises an Apocalypse Calendar, meant to help children count down the final days to a December 21^st, 2012 Doomsday.

Hey kids, are you tired of the same old advent calendars counting down the days to Christmas every year? Sick of unwrapping the same Santa-shaped chocolate or playing with the same plastic baby Jesus toy year after year?

Well you’re in luck because this year tis the season for the end of time! You see, kids, we’re going to be straight with you, we’re going to drop a real jiggity truth bomb: Doomsday is near. We’re not even going to make it to Christmas this year.

Here’s the story: some millennia ago, this really chill group of Original Hispanics called the Maya (so kind of like Pitbull but Mexican!) spent some nights just hanging and looking at the stars. Then they made up some pretty dope calendars that predicted a whole bunch of things, like the arrival of us white folk! They were always right. And their last prediction: that the world would end on December 21^st, 2012.

But it’s not just those Original Hispanics, the Maya who predicted this cataclysmic event, oh no. The totally rad American scientist Terrance McKenna used some sweet shrooms and the ancient Chinese book I-Chi (kind of like the older version of “Like a G-6” by Far East Movement) to calculate that in December 2012 every imaginable possibility would occur simultaneously, ending the world.

So how is a cool cat such as yourself supposed to spend his final month on earth? Why, counting down the days with an awesome Apocalypse Calendar, that’s how!

That’s right, no more stories about Jesus or Santa and his reindeer. This Apocalypse Calendar is chock full of stories about the ways the world could end, including:

• A sudden collision with the Planet Niribu
• The eruption of the Yellowstone volcano
• The second coming of Jesus Christ
• Mini black holes created by scientists sucking out all the space between atoms, causing the earth to shrink to the size of your local Wal-Mart
• And many more!

Other days on the Apocalypse Calendar include survival tips for you and your family, like:

• Stock piling food and water for when civilization shuts down
• Moving to a mountain in the case of floods and tsunamis
• Accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior so that you’ll be raptured
• Learning to use automatic weapons to defend your property from bands of starving marauders searching for food

And for a limited time only each Apocalypse Calendar will come with a code you can enter at apocalypsecalendar2012.com to see if you’ve won a space in a secret underground government bunker for you and your family (limit: four members) to help rebuild humanity after doomsday.

So buy your Apocalypse Calendar today and count down the days to the end!