August 29th, 2012
Donald's Canceled Trump Card

The following speech was scheduled to be given by Donald Trump at the Republican National Convention. Unfortunately, Trump’s speech was canceled as part of scheduling changes made due to the threat of Tropical Storm Isaac. In his speech, Trump outlines what “the United States of Trump” would look like should he be charged with running the country using his business savvy.


Thank you! I’m sure it’s a great honor for you to have me here at the 2012 Republican National Convention!

I want to start by saying a quick you’re welcome to Governor Romney for never officially entering the race. Because we all know that Romney wouldn’t have stood a chance in the primary if he were up against The Donald.

But seriously, how great would it be if we were living in the United States of Trump? It would certainly be better than living in Obama’s Socialized Europe. President Barack Hussein Obama, worst president in American history and those libs are out there, thinking of electing him again! He hasn’t even really proven that he was born here, has he? I know he came up with a long form birth certificate, thanks to yours truly, but you can get those on any Newark street corner. And Obama certainly fits in inner city Newark.

But you know who was born in this great country, the greatest country in the world? One Mr. Donald Trump, the greatest man in the world. I could even be the greatest president in history. You know why I would be such an excellent president? My decades of private sector experience.

You see, unlike our beloved President, I actually know how to run a business. I know how to get this economy going. I know what big business needs from the government to turn the maximum profit.  And, unlike Obama, I would give businesses what they needed, because if the government doesn’t answer to the American businessman than who does he answer to?

I also have experience running a business at a deficit, so I could clearly run our country and clear our huge national debt. I don’t even know how many projects I’ve run into bankruptcy, but it’s quite a few. And I still have $3 billion! What does Obama do with our huge national debt? He pumps more Chinese dollars into the Affordable Care Act. Do you know what The Donald would do with that debt? I would build with it. Build an America with low taxes, no entitlement spending, and the biggest fucking military in the world. All to great personal profit. Because that’s what I do.

If you were lucky enough to elect me president, here’s how I would run the United States of Trump. It’s simple: like a business. Because, after all, isn’t government the greatest business of all?

So, your first step in any business is to identify your demographic. Do I wish that everyone in the whole world lived in a Trump owned building? Of course! Then I would have $3 trillion instead of $3 billion. But that’s just not realistic. You can’t serve everyone. So, instead, you’ve got to pick and choose who’s your targeted customer. I, clearly, go for the wealthy and powerful. I mean, come on, have you seen Trump Tower?

So we have our demographic: the rich and powerful. What’s next, Donald? Well, that’s simple: we provide them with the services they need at the lowest possible cost. In fact, since it’s the government, I don’t even need to worry about turning a profit and adding to my billions, so the cost will be pretty low.

As an example, let me outline how the United States of Trump would deal with the three “E’s” and the big “FP.” That’s economy, environment, entitlements and foreign policy, to those of you who can’t keep up with The Donald.

The economy, that’s easy. That’s what I do. You’ve got to treat it like an ex-wife. Let that crazy bitch run free and she’ll make something of herself if she really wants to. And, since this is government and not for profit, maybe lower some taxes for rich people. They’ve worked hard! They just want that extra million for a yacht. And, again, these people, these wealthy people, are my demographic, my customer base. The more money I free up for them in taxes, the more money they have to fund my next campaign. Just think of it as an investment. As for actually funding the government, well, that’s what the middle class is for. Am I right?

The environment, even easier. If it wants to survive then it can become part of the free market system, like everyone else. Listen up, polar bears, don’t expect me to bail you out with regulation of greenhouse gases just because some celebrities are crying global warming. You don’t want to go extinct? Well get a god damn job. Being part of a business means only supplying the needs of your customers without demanding too much uncomfortable behavior on their part. I’m not going to make someone climb the stairs to the Trump Tower penthouse, just because it’s more “green.” And I’m not going to tell my hard voting constituents to hang up their SUVs and buy a hybrid.

And entitlements are the easiest of all! We’re done with that. You want to be an American. Well fine, take care of yourself or “You’re Fired!” That’s right, permanent deportation for any American who demands welfare of any kind. Because, in a company, you can’t lug around dead weight. The minute an employee, or American citizen, isn’t working up to the standards required of him or her, that’s it. You’re out.

Foreign policy is where it gets fun. You see, every building I make is gorgeous, with a nice glossy exterior, so all the world can know: there goes a real man! The military is this country’s glossy exterior. So we need to pump money into our defense budget and let no man, country or international organization tell us how to behave. Because it’s not a bad thing in business to have your competitors running scared of your big, shiny nukes.

And as for my VP pick? Well Paul Ryan’s great, but how about Arsenio Hall, late night legend and latest Celebrity Apprentice winner? And if he falls through, I bet I could at least get you Clay Aiken. Or even better, how does Celebrity Vice President, a reality competition where celebrities compete to be my VP, sound? Because I could do that. The Donald could.

But, you know, Romney’s not a terrible second choice. If you can’t have the best, you might as well have the Mormon second best. His private sector experience almost rivals mine (but not quite…no one does mogul with as much flair as I do).

I’m here, tonight, though, to once again endorse Mitt Romney for President. Let’s take down that immigrant, imposter president and take the US back for the businessman!

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