Recently, a New York Times editorial calling for clemency in the case of Edward Snowden reignited the debate over whether or not the United States should continue in its attempts to extradite him so that he can stand trial for treason. Snowden, who in mid 2013 revealed that the National Security Agency was spying on American citizens as well as foreign leaders, currently lives in Moscow and is seeking asylum in Brazil. The American people are still very divided on whether Snowden is a hero deserving praise and safe passage home or a traitor deserving death. A very small minority even support the ludicrous idea that the whole point of civil disobedience is to spark debate while facing the consequences of your actions, and that Snowden should come home in order to renew debate on government surveillance. Below, two of America’s most reasonable citizens debate their opinions of the matter.
Edward Snowden Is the Greatest and Sexiest Hero Our Nation Has Ever Known
The very idea that you are threatening the life of that hero, that god among men, the greatest patriot the world has ever seen, with the ideals of George Washington, or Ben Franklin, or even Jesus is insane. A man willing to sacrifice himself, to spend his life on the run, from the cold Siberian winters of Russia to the hot sticky nights of Brazil. My man: Edward Snowden.
Edward, if you’re reading this from the frigid, homophobic expanse of Mother Russia, I know I mean nothing to you. But you must know what you mean to me. You are everything. The love of my life, the very fire that keeps me going. One day, years from now, I will show my grandchildren pictures of you and tell them that this is the man who granny loved. This is the man who saved America from itself. This man made the constitution even sexier, if that’s possible.
So, America, please, let him come home to us. This man is the greatest hero our country has ever known, challenging the insidious, disgusting, and unconstitutional invasion of privacy perpetrated by our own government. In violation of the laws! And then, this government, they came after a man with a jawline so chiseled and eyes so deep and soulful, whose wire-rimmed glasses sit so bravely on his perfectly formed nose.
I know some are saying that he needs to complete his martyrdom and come home to be tried. Some even claim that capital punishment has been taken off the table. But are we going to chance it? Are we going to let liberty and the world suffer by ending his life before a man so noble and handsome can successfully procreate? How is the miracle of his genetic profile supposed to be passed through the generations, to grow in my womb if he’s murdered? Or in jail for life with no conjugal visits?
No, America, I say no. You can take your Patriot Act and your singular court ruling that declared the NSA surveillance uncovered by Edward constitutional and shove it where the sun don’t shine. My man is no traitor. And we need to bring him home. It’s what George Washington would have wanted.
This is America, People: Let’s Just Kill the Benedict Arnold
Dear Fellow Americans,
I’m getting pretty damn tired of these bleeding heart wussies telling us that Snowden “is a brave American,” or “has a point,” or even “deserves a fair trial” – the second that caviar-guzzling, vodka-swigging, Putin’s ass-kissing commie made his choice to give up our secrets, he became a traitor. After all, this is America, people.
This is America; home of the CIA, the NSA, the Patriot Act, and Homeland, starring Claire Danes in her best role yet. You think that the fact that we haven’t had a war fought on our soil since 1815 has nothing to do with our surveillance? Well, I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable that if you google “how to make a bomb,” people in the government might feel obligated to look into it. If you don’t like it, you can just go live in France with the rest of the pussies and lament about freedom to privacy over a glass of wine on your three-hour lunch break. Lazy bastards.
Now Snowden, he crossed the line in more ways than one. That arrogant bastard thought that he could capitalize on selling secrets, and then throw it back in our faces as “constitutional violation” bullcrap before jetting off to join the fascists. I’ll bet you anything he’s been one of the commies the whole time. Think I’m joking? Even the liberal’s bible, The New York Times, admits it.
I personally am an honest and true American, and I have nothing to hide. So please, check my phone and my internet records. I’m like any other hot-blooded American male: I’ll admit to a little light pornography here and there, a lot of Facebook, Pinterest (for the recipes, obviously) and some perusals on EBay for Elvis memorabilia. That’s my internet history for you. The REAL question is: what do all these people who are so bent out of shape about the NSA have to hide? We always hear about terrorists and those who support them on our own beautiful soil – you’ve seen Season 2 of Homeland! One was even a blonde lady! THESE are the people we should be looking into.
As for Snowden, he obviously deserves nothing less than death without a trial. Now THAT would show the world America’s unrelenting strength and dedication to the spread of democracy and decency everywhere. He’s a traitor, who lost all privileges to be an American citizen the second he stepped out of line and broke our law. I don’t know why they can’t just sic one of our drones on him in Russia. Here’s hoping.
Yours Ever a Proud American,
POINT written by Jessica Pierce and COUNTERPOINT written by Lisa DeBenedictis