October 29th, 2012
Welcome to the (Third) Party!

This year’s presidential election has been largely focused on the candidates of the two major parties, with little press or consideration given to any third party. In an effort to bring more attention to third parties, the Gabbler interviewed the Citizens Party of the United States via online chat to discover more about what makes up a third party and the unique ways third parties are attempting to become a part of the national political landscape.


the_gabbler: Hi, Citizens Party. Thanks for chatting with me today.

YourCitizensParty: Thank YOU. How are you today? Comfortable? Can I get you anything?

the_gabbler: Ummm, we’re chatting online, so I don’t think you can. But thank you, I’m just fine.

YourCitizensParty: Okay, I was just checking. You know, your opinion and comfort are important to me. They’re the most important part of any democracy, really: the Opinions and Comfort of its citizens. You are a citizen, right?

the_gabbler: I am, I am. Anyway, I have a few questions for you. First, could you just explain to me the basic philosophy of the Citizens Party? What distinguishes you from the two major parties?

YourCitizensParty: Well, the Citizens Party is like the salad bar of political parties. YOU decide the toppings, not some established restaurant with ties to Super PACS and lobbies. So our members decide our platform, decide what questions all of our presidential candidates need to answer before they can get elected, what color ties they have to wear to the debates, basically you decide everything.

the_gabbler: And what have you decided is to focus on in the 2012 election?

YourCitizensParty: Well, I’ve decided nothing, duh! The Citizens Party itself doesn’t decide anything. I just tally online surveys, social media hits, basically any voices that are out there calling in the void, begging for better representation than that Mittens guy or the Obamanator.

the_gabbler: Speaking of the candidates, what do you think of the two main parties?

YourCitizensParty: I mean, I don’t want to say that their opinions aren’t Valid, but it’s clear that they’re not working. They’ve become so extreme in their views, so in favor of the THEIR way of doing everything that what are the American people left with? The better of two evils? This is AMERICA, the greatest country in the world, and this is the best we can come up with? Two extreme views, one that thinks that the answer always lies in the public sector and another that thinks that the answer is always in the private sector. That gets you nowhere. Each sector, public and private, has its appropriate use and is totally Valid as the Solution for different problems. That’s why I was created, to give the American People a reasonable, centrist party interested in their Voice. And that’s why we need at least three parties, so that people don’t find themselves constantly bouncing between two extremes.

the_gabbler: Very true. And what exactly is the centrist platform that you’re presenting for this election?

YourCitizensParty: We call it the Main Street Platform. Obviously, the focus this year is really on the economy. You know, end Free Trade, encourage Fair Trade. Ensure that employers don’t discriminate against the Unemployed. Use the Military only when Necessary.

the_gabbler: I’m sorry, I just have to ask. Why the capitalization? I’m not sure it’s all necessary…

YourCitizensParty: Great question, that’s just an absolutely wonderful question. Have I told you yet how Valid your Opinions are? They’re just so Valid. Anyway, our members also vote on what words should be capitalized. The Citizens Party also believes that everyone has the Right to Decide what’s the most Important Word in any sentence.

the_gabbler: Okay, I guess that makes some sense. But, also, why do you keep linking to your website? I think our readers will know to click the first link that appears in the interview if they’re  interested in learning more about the Citizens Party.

YourCitizensParty: That’s not a risk that the Citizens Party is willing to take. Every Voice in the Void must be heard by the powers within our party structure – or what’s even my reason for existing? Also, just in case: Citizens Party, Citizens Party, Citizens Party, Citizens Party!

the_gabbler: Okay, I think they all know where to go now. Anyway, I know you really believe in keeping politicians accountable for their work. What are some ideas that your party has for educating citizens about their representatives?

YourCitizensParty: EXCELLENT question. Just so Valid. The answer is simple: Performance Reviews. All politicians, regardless of office, need to be objectively evaluated on their abilities and this information needs to be given to the American People. We need to know what they’re doing, how they’re doing it, when they’re doing it. What part of the bill did they author? Are they kind to their staff? Do they allow them to use the restroom often enough? Is their own use of the restroom impeding their work? All of that information needs to be made public, at least on a yearly basis. I mean, hey, you wouldn’t hire someone or promote them without a similar review, right? So why should you vote for someone to WORK FOR YOUR TAX DOLLARS without that information?

the_gabbler: That’s a very novel idea. So, who can our readers vote for if they’re interested in seeing a Citizens Party president?

YourCitizensParty: Oh, well there are quite a few write-in candidates. Max Rieske or Mark B. Graham, for instance.

the_gabbler: Write in? So none of your presidential candidates made it onto a ballot?

YourCitizensParty: Unfortunately, no. But we really have our Hopes Up for the 2016 election.

the_gabbler: You know, another third party, called NSA Did 911 is appearing on the New Jersey ballot with the basic premise that the National Security Agency planned the September 11th attacks and is now pouring most of its resources into silencing the NSA Did 911 party by attempting to murder their candidate and founder, Jeff Boss. What do you have to say when a party like that makes it onto a ballot and you don’t?

YourCitizensParty: Well, you know, I think it’s just great that Jeff Boss is making his Valid Voice heard. You know, each little thought of an American citizen is like a unique and beautiful snowflake, making up the blizzard of democracy. And while it appears that his snowflake is a little bit more of a paranoid schizophrenic snowflake, it’s still just so Valid. So, you know, I hope that he gets the help he needs. But I’m fine, Citizens Party is just growing and growing and looking toward the future. I just know that if we respect everyone’s Opinion Equally, we can get the Representation we need and turn this Great Country around.

the_gabbler: Well, I hope that you’re able to do that. Thank you so much for chatting with me today, Citizens Party.

YourCitizensParty: Oh, no, thank you! You are just so Valid in all of your amazing Opinions. It’s been great.

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