The Nuns on the Bus, a group of nuns lobbying against the Republican Path to Prosperity budget proposal, has been making quite a splash in the media lately. The Gabbler’s Jessica Pierce had the chance to sit down with Sister Sarah Bentley, one of the campaigning nuns and to talk to her about the budget proposal, life as a Nun on the Bus, Jesus, and the secret communist underpinnings of convents. Ms. Pierce, though reluctant to publish this interview, ultimately capitulated to editorial pressure after she was assured that it would be viewed as a hard hitting exposé of Catholic communism and not a show of support for left-wing, socialist policies.
The Gabbler: (Crosses herself) In the name of the father and the son and the Holy Spirit, it’s an honor to meet you. (Bows)
Nun on the Bus: I’m pretty sure that’s not at all necessary, sweetheart. In fact, it’s actually pretty offensive. Did you just Google Catholic stereotypes before I got here and go with the first thing that popped up on the screen?
G: No, or I would be asking you about why your priests like little boys so much. Zing! Anyway, I do apologize. I’m not exactly Catholic…or Christian…or anything. But I’ve heard about this Jesus guy. He seems pretty cool.
N: Don’t you think the pedophile jokes are a little overdone?
G: Sorry. But tell me more about this Jesus dude. On a scale of one to 10, one being Battlestar Galactica and 10 being Skrillex, how cool was Jesus?
N: If Skrillex is a 10, then Jesus is at least a 100, if not more. Jesus was the coolest. You know that He’s basically responsible for the moral philosophy of the whole western world, right? And that’s why we’re fighting so hard for our government to live up to their promise to do their work in His name.
G: Wait, our government works in Jesus’s name? Don’t we have separation of church and state and all that good stuff?
N: Are you really that stupid? If you don’t think the underlying morals of a country, based on their strong belief in Jesus’s teachings, informs their political decisions, you’re an idiot. But currently, we’re failing to live up to Jesus’s teachings. We’re failing miserably.
G: Really? Because you know, even if there’s separation of church and state and all, I always thought we were doing so well Jesus-approval wise! Creationism is taught in public schools, gay marriage can’t be nationally legalized, abortion rights are dwindling. What more could God want?
N: Okay, so to answer my earlier question, you really are that stupid. I mean, sure, heterosexual marriage is great. Not my cup of tea and all, but I’m sure it’s great. And abortion is pretty awful. As for Creationism, seriously? Why is it so hard for science and religion to live side by side? God created the universe and gave it order and that order is science. Every scientific discovery, including evolution, is just another example of God’s greatness at work.
G: I don’t know if it’s quite fair to call me stupid just because I don’t know about your God and stuff. I know a lot about other stuff, like the Real Housewives franchise and the Kardashians. But, ok, moving on, tell me about the Nuns on the Bus. You’re lobbying against Paul Ryan’s proposed 2013 budget. What’s wrong with it?
N: Other than the fact that it cuts taxes for the wealthiest Americans while simultaneously upping the tax burden for lower class families and cutting necessary social welfare spending? Or the fact that its provisions will push two million children into poverty? Or that it does nothing to curb ridiculous defense spending?
G: Well those things certainly don’t sound good…
N: –No, they’re not good. They’re selfishness masquerading as fiscal responsibility and it’s disgusting. I can’t believe that fucking douche bag Paul Ryan has the nerve to call himself a Catholic. Shit! (Looks upward) Sorry Lord for the swearing. I’ll put another dollar in the swear jar when I get back to the bus, I promise.
G: God doesn’t like swearing? Well I’m definitely going to h-e double hockey sticks, then. But back to the topic at hand: it seems to me that you’re saying that Representative Paul Ryan’s budget isn’t compatible with his Catholic belief structure.
N: That’s exactly what I’m saying. I mean, take the basic fact that the budget is calling for a repeal of the Affordable Care Act. Or that it’s privatizing Medicare, which will make healthcare costs for seniors go sky high. Do you really think that Jesus would be for a for profit system of healthcare? I mean, this was a man who went around curing lepers out of the compassion of his heart, free of charge. He clearly believed that even the most humble man deserves access to curative medicine.
G: Really? I’m really liking the sound of this Jesus character. He seems pretty legit. But Republicans seem pretty set on abolishing the Affordable Care Act. Why do you think they’ll listen to you?
N: Well all these Republicans claim to be doing God’s work, governing with God’s message in mind. Well, here we are, God’s servants on earth, telling you that you’re doing a shitty job. My sincerest apologies, Heavenly Father. Just more money for the swear jar. But we draw legitimacy from being nuns. If they want to hold true to their claims that they believe in a Christian, Godly America, they can’t just go on Fox News and bash us. We’re NUNS. That would be the height of hypocrisy.
G: Genius! So tell me about life on the Bus. Is spending that much time in close quarters with that many women difficult? Because I know for me, you know, I lived in my sorority house in college and sometimes I just needed to GET out…
N: –Well, you know that I normally live in a convent with these women, right? That’s kind of part of the deal. But it’s nice, because at least if I get some ketchup on my wimple there are plenty of extras to go around.
G: Really? You guys still wear wimples?
N: Wow, you really are a fucking idiot, aren’t you? Sorry, Lord! Another dollar for the swear jar, I promise. But I’m sitting in front of you in a cardigan and a skirt. Clearly we don’t wear wimples anymore or I would have one on.
G: Oh, well I just thought it was your smart interview and lobbying gear. But, wait. You live together with all women all the time? For your entire lifetime? That must take some kind of super power.
N: It could be worse. Have you ever seen a man’s bathroom? Gross. Thank God we don’t have to live with them. Plus, we all do our part to help out, according to your abilities, and we’re all provided for.
G: Wait what? Did you just basically say “from each according to her ability, to each according to her needs” except in nun-speak?
N: I mean, that’s not actually a bad paraphrase of what I said, but we’re not Marxists. Nuns have been living a communal lifestyle for centuries, millennia, even.
G: OH MY GOD YOU’RE A BUNCH OF COMMIES.
N: Well that’s a fucking exaggeration. Sorry, Lord, but seriously? That word was made for times like these.
G: Excuse me, did you not just say that you live in a “communal structure?” And before that, didn’t you basically paraphrase the central tenant of Marxism to describe life in the convent? And you think that you have legitimacy with the right wing media because of some Jesus dude? THEY ARE GOING TO CRUSH YOU.
N: If they’re as religious as they claim to be, they have no basis…
G: –I’m sorry, not to be impolite or anything, your excellency, but I think I need to end this interview now. I mean, if Fox News hears that The Gabbler has been speaking with an openly communist nun, they’re going to brand us as part of the liberal media and we can’t handle that level of negative publicity right now. In the name of the father and the son and the Holy Spirit, Amen, and please leave immediately, but make sure no one sees you. (Bows)
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