May 31st, 2012
Married White Male Seeks Single White Female for Plural Marriage, Financial Support

The following is the uncovered Ok Cupid profile of Nephi Jessup, a Fundamentalist Mormon currently on trial for Felony Polygamy. Jessup was arrested this past February by police at his Hildale, Utah residence where he lives with his wives and children, after they discovered his online dating profile, created in an attempt to marry several more times.

NephiJessup

42/M/Straight/Married

Hildale, Utah

My self-summary

I’m the spiritual leader of the Nephi Church of Independent Fundamentalist Mormons for Non-Pedophilic Plural Marriage, a church I started a few years ago. Here’s how it happened: I was just your typical, line-toeing member of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS), living the Principle of Plural Marriage with three beautiful, fully-grown wives who were not related to me by blood in anyway. Then one day Prophet Warren Jeffs informed me that God wished me to marry my 13-year-old cousin. That didn’t seem right to me since I normally like my women developed and I mean deee-velll-upped ALL over. I also like them more when they’re not blood kin. Well that very night the angel Moroni came to me and said, “Nephi, God has chosen you to lead people to the true principle of non-pedophilic plural marriage. Also, incest might be great to get rid of, too.” Well the very next day, I left the FLDS and founded the Nephi Church of Independent Fundamentalist Mormons for Non-Pedophilic Plural Marriage. So far we have 12 members: me, my three wives, and our eight children.

What I’m doing with my life

Running a church. Mainly, I receive prophecies and my first wife Chastity writes them down on our computer, so we can publish a copy of my scripture to disseminate God’s truth to the world later. Another part of my duties is to procreate with my wives. We procreate a lot, even when procreation might be biologically prohibited. That was another message from the angel Moroni: “Do not fall victim to the folly of the FLDS view that says to enjoy your wives’ bodies only during the time of month when procreation is possible. God says that procreation is always possible, and chances are enhanced when thy seed is spilled multiple times in one day with multiple wives. Think of it as exercise for your seed, it only makes it stronger and more potent.”

I’m really good at

Writing scripture. Some sample gems: “Thou shalt obey thy mother so that she shalt not bitch to thy father about thy disobedience.” “ Thou shalt complain about thy mother to thy sister wife so that thy husband may watch the game uninterrupted.”  “The spilling of thy husband’s seed, whether by hand, mouth, or thy most sacred love cave is most holy and should be practiced daily to ensure thy passage to heaven.”

The first thing people notice about me

The spiritual glow that comes with being God’s one true living prophet. My devilish good looks. Also, my 12-person family.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Books: Nephi’s Guide to Non-Pedophilic Plural Marriage (to be published at a later date), The Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants

Shows: All sports, Sister Wives

Movies: The 19^th Wife

Music: Nephi’s Church of Independent Fundamentalist Mormons for Non-Pedophilic Plural Marriage Tabernacle Choir

Food: Anything cooked by my third wife Faith (but stay away from anything made by my second wife Virtue!)

The six things I could never do without

1.)    Procreation

2.)    My private chats with God and Moroni

3.)    Nephi’s Church

4.)    The Most Sacred Principal of Non-Pedophilic Plural Marriage

5.)    Chastity, Faith, Virtue, (and maybe, you, too!)

6.)    Buffalo wings

I spend a lot of time thinking about

I try to avoid thinking, I find divine inspiration comes more easily to an empty mind.

On a typical Friday night I am

Receiving prophecy and engaging in procreation with my wives.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I’m the most skilled human male at procreation in all of human history. God told me so directly, so it must be true.

You should message me if

You’re interested in practicing The Most Sacred Principal of Non-Pedophilic Plural Marriage so that you may enjoy heavenly bliss for all eternity after we leave this earthly existence. Also, if you have a well-paying job. Or any job. Eight children, three wives, and a church get expensive and being a full-time spiritual vessel doesn’t pay as well as I thought it would.