January 7th, 2013
Why You Don't Mess with Jersey

The following was sent to the personal email account of Speaker of the House John Boehner from Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey on the night of January 1^st, 2013. It deals with the Sandy Relief Bill that had previously passed in the Senate but that Boehner refused to call for a vote in the House, citing budget issues and pork barrel spending. Following a press conference that Governor Christie gave last Wednesday, Boehner was forced to call the bill and it was partially passed this Friday and signed into law by President Obama on Sunday night. This email, sent to The Gabbler by an anonymous source, foreshadows the press conference and seems to be part of the reason that Boehner was forced to change his mind.

Hey doucheface,

Don’t you even know how to pick up a fucking phone? I’ve been calling you all night.

You know what this is about. Does the Sandy Relief Bill ring any bells? You know the one that would finally get my constituents the relief they need after months of waiting for Congress to get their shit together and actually do their fucking jobs? You know, the one that I had your every fucking assurance you would call to a vote and pass? The one you’re no longer calling to a vote.

You know what, though, bud? You might have spent the past twenty years building yourself a career in that pisshole we call the House, but let me make one thing clear: I WILL take you down. You don’t mess with Jersey, asshole.

You see, you fucked up here, pal. You had a BIPARTISAN bill ready to pass. That means you a fuckheads finally got your shit together long enough to actually accomplish something down there in D.C. That you actually pulled together to do your fucking job for once and to put the people over your stupid bullshit party loyalties. And you want to stop that from happening? You know, I kept my mouth shut while you and the Democrats fucked things up time and again just for the sake of not playing nice together. But this time, pal, it’s personal.

See, this is how it’s going to go down. I’m the red governor of a blue state, beloved the country over for speaking my mind, shooting off the cuff and telling it like it is. I’ve built myself a brand that lets me shit all over you and come out smelling like roses.

And you? You’re the head of Congress, a clearly defunct and incapable group of monkeys posing as men, unable to get even the simplest parts of their job done. America ALREADY hates you. You’ve built yourself a brand of failure, disappointment, and ineptitude. So trust me when I say, America is going to eat out of the palm of my hand and then vomit all over you.

See, I’m calling a press conference in response to your total failure to do shit. I don’t fucking care what reasons you gave and neither do the American people. I’m going to paint a picture of corruption and total ineptitude that slides right into place with that fiscal cliff disaster. And then I’ll act disgusted and superior and above all that D.C. garbage. And they will fucking eat it up, Boehner. They will eat it up. Just a Papa Bear protecting his cubs. Just a politician finally standing up and serving his constituents.

You watch it, because that’s just the start. I will destroy you. The band of merry thieves you’ve huddled around yourself in Congress? Gone. I will campaign like crazy for every non-incumbent in the coming primaries. And you? You can kiss the Speakership, your seat in Congress, all of it goodbye. They won’t even let you back in Ohio when I’m done with you.

So you better reconsider and pass that fucking bill and give my people the relief they need. Or else you’re going to be swimming with the fishes, politically speaking of course.

You’ve been warned, doucheface.

Christie

P.S. And if that isn’t enough to convince you, remember, I still have those pictures of flipping off Grover Norquist behind his back at the RNC and I’m not afraid to tweet them.