THE GABBLER

October 12th, 2012
Don’t Worry, Ryan's Got This

The following list was leaked to The Gabbler just after last night’s vice presidential debate. Our source says that the document was found amongst Paul Ryan’s debate prep materials and appears to be a list of his most important debate prep tips. The list was typed in 18-point Comic Sans, and titled “Don’t Worry: You Got This, Buddy.” On the backside of the page, the words “Mental note: look up what the fuck malarkey means” were handwritten in red magic marker.

 

-Wonk word ‘em: You’re the wunderkid. The Washington wonk who flew in with all the arcane buzz words necessary to not pass a budget. Everyone loves to PTK (pretend to know) the s-o-u-r-c-e of a good acronym. Or as we call them on the House Budget Committee, nyms. So who cares if they’re not real budget and tax phraseology. Who’ll know the difference?

-Numbers: Ahhh, numbers. Who can dispute that we’re now $4 gazillion in debt thanks to Obama’s need for vacation days? Besides anyone with access to “facts.” But here’s the trick: voters don’t pay attention. They take one look at your winning smile and they just know: a man that handsome would never lie. Plus, listen to his encyclopedic understand of numbers and obscure jargon. He obviously knows what he’s talking about.

-Lies work for anecdotes, too: Why just stick with lying about the numbers? I’m pretty sure no one even noticed that thing you said about Obama shutting down that auto plant during the Convention. So go for it. Like, did you know that Obama secretly loves terrorists? And that, one time, John Boehner overheard him calling himself Robin Hood laughing about how he was going to suck the rich dry and give it all to the poor? True story.

-Don’t forget about Jesus: Seriously, why’s this guy not more involved in public life? Isn’t His whole deal that He died for our sins so that He can boss us around more and teach us about how the gays shouldn’t be married and fetuses should be protected over women? Also, I’m pretty sure He’s not a fan of taxes on the rich and He hates entitlement spending.

-Don’t forget, you’re all about bipartisanship: You’ve always been willing to reach across the aisle and work with any Democrats interested in voting the Republican Party line. Work that.

-Provoke a gaffe: I mean, you’re working against Biden. Just confuse him with some numbers and some jargon and casually bring up chains. He’ll run with it.

-Vote for Romney, not Ryan: Oh, wait, you disagree with a point I made? Well no worries, I’m just casually following whatever Romney says. I mean, sure, I may think that rape victims shouldn’t be allowed to murder their fetuses, but he’s okay with it. So don’t even worry about it until I run in 2016 or 2020, depending on how things go tonight. Or, you know, I guess in the other parts of this whole election thing, too.

-Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate: Don’t forget your throat dries up when you stretch the truth. You don’t want a repeat of the Dating Disaster of ‘85 when you tried to tell Susie McDonnell that if she let you get to second you would love her forever and broke out into an uncontrollable coughing fit. Still got some over the shirt action, though.

-If all else fails, dazzle them with those baby blues: You are one handsome mother fucker. Load up on Crest White Strips smile, work that handsome frown of yours that you’ve practiced so much (it’s a great way to look disappointed in Obama while still maintaining that sexy mystique) and don’t forget to wear a jacket just tight enough to accent your guns. (The bicep kind, not the “I have the right to bear this” kind.)

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