September 26th, 2012
Romney Gets Down with Brown

During a recent appearance on Univision’s “Meet the Candidate” Mitt Romney appeared markedly tanner than previous campaign events, prompting accusations that he had appeared in brownface in order to connect more with Latino voters. The following ad, leaked exclusively to The Gabbler, was sent to Romney in the weeks prior to the “Meet the Candidate” forum.

Our anonymous source maintains that Romney, after carefully considering the ad, said that while he agreed with the overall sentiment, he had decided to take “the Snooki route” and go to a tanning salon instead, rather than appear in brownface and “risk a controversy.” This assessment has seemingly paid off, as Univision makeup artist Lazz Rodriguez has debunked the rumor that Romney specifically requested to be made tanner for the appearance.

Calling the pasty white, the chronically melanin deprived, the uncool Caucasians of the world! Are you tired of being considered not as “down” as those “hip” colored folks? Sick of not having the “street cred” of a minority and of ignoring that look of disdain in your maid’s eye? Do you love Taco Bell but still can’t manage to impress the cute Latina counter girl, because your come hither stare is glinting off your alabaster skin and blinding her?

Well, worry no more! Introducing Down with Brown, the revolutionary new face tanning system that allows you to be a tad bit browner on the outside, while still maintaining all the class, decorum, and intelligence of a white person.

Whether you’re a 13-year-old trying to impress the ladies with your “cool Latino vibe” or a politician trying to poach the minority vote from the cool, black opposition candidate, Down with Brown is the product for you. Just apply a light coat to your face and BAM: instant Minority Status.

And don’t worry folks, this product is absolutely not racist (although we don’t recommend its use in Arizona or other states with strict immigration laws). It just allows you to cash in on the cultural credit that comes with being a minority! Plus, you’ll be able to dodge the racism bullet simply by casually mentioning a family trip to Bermuda, resulting in a tanner complexion.

So, call us and get Down with Brown!