February 10th, 2014
The Olympic Opening Ceremony That Never Was

This past Friday, the world was wowed by the Sochi Olympic Opening Ceremonies, complete with a police choir performing “Get Lucky,” a little girl reciting an alphabetized account of Russian history, and only four of five snowflakes opening up into the Olympic rings (woopsy). There were several proposals, though, that didn’t make the final cut. Luckily, The Gabbler, has exclusive access to the Olympic Committee’s rejected Opening Ceremony ideas.

The Winter Olympic Committee’s Official List of Rejected Opening Ceremony Ideas

1.) A live reenactment of Crime and Punishment, with Edward Snowden in the role of Raskolnikov

2.) A Putin mascot doing the Harlem Shake

3.) Police Choir rapping “Back in the USSR”

4.) A retrospective on the inherent heterosexuality of all Russian men

5.) A gulag prison scene featuring Pussy Riot look-a-likes singing “Cell Block Tango” from Chicago

6.) A Stalin mustache contest

7.) A classy, traditional Olympic ring display that has no risk of technical failure

8.) A non-dramatic reading of War and Peace in its entirety

9.) A vodka and caviar chugging contest

10.) A theatrical version of Fox Animations Studio’s Anastasia 

11.) Russia’s Next Top Model, Live with Putin as head judge

12.) Judo demonstration, starring Putin

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