December 31st, 2012
A New Year, a New President

The following list was found on the desk of the Oval Office and appears to be President Obama’s personal New Year’s Resolutions. Several relate to his family and personal life, but many are related to his duties as president and reflect his agenda in the coming months.


-QUIT SMOKING (I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…).

-Finally beat Michelle in a push up contest.

-Ask Boehner out for that beer. (Play it cool, man, you’re just a guy asking a guy out for a drink.)

-Get the Secret Service to creep out that boy who Malia claims is “just a friend.”

-Wake THE HELL UP  and deal with DREAM Act.

-Figure out if I should keep using Drones (maybe ask John McCain?).

-Don’t cry when Hillary leaves me.

-But maybe actually finish putting together my cabinet.

-Get Biden back for that toilet saran wrap practical joke (note: call in Clooney if needed).

-Cultivate rock star image (idea: start band with Christie, call it The Executive Branch, or even better, The Bipartisans).

-Get America back to work! (Note: actually figure out HOW to get America back to work first.)

-Decrease devastating national tragedies by at least 25% in coming year, possibly through gun control?

-Learn what the hell a One Direction is and why Sasha is so into it.

-Maybe check in on that whole Affordable Care Act business and see how it’s progressing?

-Finally read How to Win Friends and Influence People and use new found knowledge to actually work with Congress.

-Capitalize on Bo’s Christmas decoration fame (maybe a Purina commercial or two?).

-Pick up the broken pieces of the economy after we fall over the fiscal cliff.

-Isn’t it about time for a second Nobel Peace Prize?

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