September 25th, 2013
Deadly and Deadlier: Cars vs. Guns

Gun advocates are fast to point out that guns kill less people every year than car accidents do (although experts think that gunshot fatalities will surpass car accident fatalities by 2015), so why are we going on about banning guns when we should be banning cars? We at The Gabbler were curious to see who was the baddest, deadliest of the two, so we went right to the source: a 95 Camry and a Long Action Centerfire rifle. The two faced off to argue who was the deadliest and came up with, well, this.


Guns Are Puny Little Girl Toys

You know everyone’s going on about guns, like they’re so dangerous, right? Like they’re this BIG bad thing that needs to be banned or else we’ll all get iced. Iced,  dusted, you know. Tangoed down, sent to the farm, smoked, swimming with the fishes, whacked, gang banged. What? Ganged banged doesn’t mean shot? Okay, not that one then.

But guns, guns are for puuu—puny little girls. Yup, that’s right, I said it. Puny. Little. Girls. I mean, they even come in pink! What? Well, yeah, I know cars come in pink, too, but that’s different. Cars are badah—bad at being good. We’re just straight bad. Cold as ice.

So, yeah, this whole gun thing, means nothing. You want danger, you want REAL danger? You want to be an OG? Well ditch those puny little girl guns and get in a car. Get in a car, head for the highway, and start texting. You will be mad deadly.

Sure, the haters will say “oh, cars weren’t made for the sole purpose of killing another living thing.” Yeah, gangsta, but we’re mad good at it. We’re like giant death traps cruising at 70 in 65. We don’t care.

Plus, guns ain’t got shi—shiny coats of paint like cars. We’re just shiny, metal death on wheels. Giant shiny metal death on wheels. Have you seen guns? They’re fu—funnily tiny. Like crazy tiny, yo! And have you seen bullets? How are bullets even supposed to kill you? What? Because they’re going at such a fast velocity they just tear through your body like its soft butter? How about the velocity of my steering column through your chest!

And if you still don’t think cars are dangerous, man, just go ask a polar bear. But be fast about it, because global warming is straight up melting their habitat and soon they’ll have nowhere to live. That’s right, we don’t just kill people, we straight up kill the environment.

Don’t be fooled by all of our safety features, either, or that car registration is way more strict than gun registration. Or that you can’t just waltz into a school with a car and start mowing people down. Because guess what, bro? We could take down those school walls if we wanted to. Brick ain’t got nothing on a 1995 Camry. What? No, I don’t think I would just smash up my engine and make a bunch of noise. I’m deadly, man!

So if you want to save American lives, really get the OGs off the streets, stop the mindless slaughter, you’ve gotta come after the real gangsters: the cars. But first, you’ve gotta catch us.


Cars are Death Traps: I’m Just Here to Shoot the Shit!

I personally feel really victimized by this whole “gun control” thing. What are they trying to control me for? I’m just a lone hunting rifle, just a simple Long Action Centerfire with a 22” barrel. I’m practically the Joe Six-Pack of guns, and I’m just trying to live my life out in the wilderness, with nothing but the tall trees and dead animals I’ve killed, stuffed, and hung on my wall to keep me company. Of course a car is more dangerous than little ole me!

Did you know that 89 people die from car accidents every day in the US? That’s THREE more people on average that die from cars than from being shot by a gun! I mean, clearly we’re on a totally different level here. There’s no comparison. Cars are death traps, and I’m just a mere toy.

What I’d like to do is to take a minute here and say that this travesty of lives lost far too early is due to the fact that we’ve got a ridiculous system for letting people have access to cars: a gosh darn 16-year-old kid can get a license – and in some states in the Midwest, you can get your license at as young as 14! So these totally reckless, young, hormonal wackos are tearing through town with their loud music and their text messaging, and next thing you know, people are getting killed!

Me meanwhile, I’m just a toy, an accessory. I just want to be held, cleaned, stroked. I just want to be taken outside on a crisp fall day with nothing but blue sky, aimed straight at the sun. I just want to fly full speed at a duck’s heart, ripping its insides apart in mid-air as I make contact. I just want to fall slowly back to the earth, covered in sticky hot blood.

Like I said, I’m a simple gun. I’m not one of those fancy automatic assault rifles, or easy-to-conceal-in-your-pants handguns. I don’t want to actually kill anybody (but I definitely could if I wanted to.) My point is, anything can kill people. You can bash someone over the head with a rock, you can poison them with arsenic, you can strangle them with a pashmina, and you can definitely run them over with your car. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people – I just make for a cleaner, quicker, faster, and easier way to do so.


POINT written by Jessica Pierce and COUNTERPOINT written by Lisa DeBenedictis  

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