June 18th, 2014
Preschoolers Host Clinic on How to Fall Properly for World Cup Players

An official committee, made up of six three year-olds and a precocious two year-old, were recruited by World Cup officials to teach players how to fall without becoming hysterical. The clinic was held Sunday night, following the Argentina vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina match.

“No boo boo, no wah wah,” Hayden, the two-year-old explained to one of the players, who had tripped on his way to the field and promptly began grasping his knee and yelling.

The preschoolers, many of whom have only been walking and falling for about a year and a half, explained the fundamentals of falling on the field, such as “grass soft” and “big boys no cry.” The players practiced falling with these guidelines, but many seemed confused when they were admonished by their young mentors for crying out and rolling around on the grass.

“I only cried a little, man, come on! I wanna lolli!!!” complained one American player at the end of the session, as the preschoolers handed out candy to everyone who had behaved like a big boy.

Officials are unsure whether or not the clinic will be effective in toning down on field theatrics, but are at least hoping to recruit several of the preschoolers to console players suffering from skinned knees with lollipops following the games.

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