KW: Art.

KW: Beauty.

KW: Emotion.

KW: Truth.

KW: So…how bout them Yankees?

JZ: Goddammit, Kanye. This ain’t ur twitter. What do u want?

KW: Well…u know how it is. Kim keeps pushing me 2 text u. It’s like this: sometimes I say shit I don’t mean, cuz I’m UPSET.

JZ: No shit. U do that?

KW: Seriously, man. I do. I feel shit deeply. My anger runs through my BLOOD.

JZ: That’s some deep shit. Go write a song about it or something.

KW: Good idea! Listen, I didn’t mean what I said. The new album is tight, OK? I was just…

KW: Hey, do u and B want 2 come over on Wed and listen 2 what I’m working on putting out next? SPOILER: here’s one line – “I be like Socrates / but more chocolatey. Uh. Yeah. Uhuh.”

JZ: Sorry, can’t. Justin invited us over for dinner. Jessica is making fish tacos.

KW: WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?? THIS is the shit I’m talking about. U ditching me 4 the scrawny white kid again.

JZ: He’s slender. Not scrawny.

KW: AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE FISH TACOS????

JZ: They’re delicious. U never had them? U fry up some fish, little coleslaw, little avocado. In a soft taco.

KW: FUCK fish tacos. Fish don’t belong in a taco. That’s fucked up.

JZ: Don’t be disrespectful.

KW: Can I be real w/ u for a second?

JZ: Okay.

KW: Is he ur new bff?

JZ: You gotta b fucking kidding me. Bff?

KW: U know what I mean. BE REAL WITH ME.

JZ:  I mean, right now, I’d say he’s in my top 5. But we’re working together, collaborating. Oh, and he doesn’t say a bunch of mean shit about me on stage.

KW: I was VENTING! It was a cleanse!

JZ: It was word vomit.

KW: Look, I’ve got another performance scheduled in Frankfurt or some shit on Tuesday. I’ll just take a pause and explain what I was saying last time and let everyone know that we’re still BFFs and I didn’t mean it!

JZ: No. I am a PRIVATE person.

KW: Okay, okay. Can I at least dedicate my new song 2 u?

JZ: Absolutely not.

KW: Can I tweet at u?

JZ: NO.

KW: I’m sorry! What else can I SAY?

JZ: That! That’s all I ever needed 2 hear.

KW: Really? :)

JZ: Yeah. :)

KW: I love you, J.

JZ: I love you too, K.

KK: Hey baby! Did U decide if U’ll come to the Corispondent’s Dinner w/ me? :)

KW: Hey gurl. You know I wanna go, baby, but I just can’t bear 2 look him in the face.

KK: HUN! I’m sure he didn’t mean it!

KW: U know, it’s just SO frustrating. I get his vision, he gets mine. We are both leaders, creators, innovators. I ask myself every day what I can do to make a difference, and he’s out there doing it, too. Together, we’d B unstoppable.

KK: Well babe, he’s not all that’s he’s cracked up 2 b. I really think that many of us looked 2 him as like, the end all be all after W, but it’s like, he’s just a person. He can’t fix all our problems. The GOP fights him @ every turn. Plus, he’s  been fiskally irresponsible. Like, Y offer all these federal assistance programs if U don’t have the $? Kourtney and I were talking about it, and at least Mitt seems 2 have HIS finances in order… ;)

KW: He’s a visionary. It’s not his fault. Romney’s a BITCH. Who does that to their own dog??

KK: That’s true. I tots forgot about that. Anyway, plz come! I got another new free dress and everything, and U will meet him and he will LOVE U and both of U can forget about the stupid TSwift/VMA’s fiasco. Plus, U can finally give him those sneakers U designed 4 him!

KW: No, I’m too embarassed. I thought he was my boy, and then he called me out to the ATLANTIC? That shit is legit. Harriet Beecher Stowe wrote for that shit. Come on. O KNOWS I get inspired from Longfellow. WTF.

KK: Well, he did call U “talented” in that interview, 2!

KW: Psh. He probably just felt bad 4 me. He probably hasn’t even listened to my new tracks on “Watch the Throne.”

KK: Of course he has! He loves Jay-Z, remember? And I know my fav song! ;) But listen, I’ve been thinking lately, and I want 2 b honest w/ U about something, OK?

KW: Of course. Damn! I’m watchin his “Race” speech again, and I’m just SO inspired. I advocated for that shit. I was all “Yes, We Can.” And he calls me out like, “No, You Can’t.”

KK: OK, like, remember when we were watching The Iliad other night and I told that I would never pick Brad Pitt over U, no matter how totally ripped he was?

KW: Yeah. Did u change ur mind?????? :(

KK: NO! But, remember, we talked about his character, Akillies. And I told you what “hubris” meant…

KW: THAT IS ILL. New song title: “Achilles.” “Uh. Uh. Got an arrow straight up in my heel/  You be my Achilles tendon fo real…”

KK: Ye! Stay w/ me here.

KW: Sorry! My mind is always running, always running. U think he’d like that song, though?

KK: It’s just, I think U need 2 work on ur pride. Like him, ur a public figure. And if U do things that R controversial, people R going 2 call U out. Like, when BO pumped over $500 mill into a green company that subsequently went bankrupt  – people were like: “Um, what?” And when U made that scrawny little teenage girl cry or whatever – he was all like: “What a jackass.”

KW: First, he can’t be faulted for trying to invest in green industries. Second, she didn’t cry! I said I was sorry. :(

KK: If U just come, and tell him that U R a big fan, and tell him U admire him all the more for his comments (which U tots do, by the way!), it will b fine.

KW: I’ll think about it. But I also really need to get working on that Achilles shit.

KK: :/