The Gabbler: It’s so great to meet with you today, diet plan. I understand you’ve only agreed to speak with me under the condition of complete anonymity. Why?

Diet Plan: Because I’m sick of all this bullshit. I’m normally forced by my handlers to seem so bright and sparkly and convenient and like I can help you become a size two while still eating deep fried ice cream brownie sundaes covered in ranch dressing and cheese. It just doesn’t fucking work like that, man. Also, are you sure you should be having that bag of peanut butter M&M’s? Your ass doesn’t exactly need it…

TG: It’s been a stressful week! And they’re the perfect combo of chocolate, candy coating and peanut butter! But anyway, your handlers? You have handlers?

DP: Tell your ass that. Because seriously, it’s like its own fucking continent. But of course I have handlers. They’re with me everywhere. To get to this interview, I had to lie and say I was going to a last minute photo shoot for our new ad campaign. Then when we got to what was the shoot location, I pretended to go the bathroom for a last minute purge. Climbed right out the window and down the fire escape. I knew those years of strict dieting would pay off. That window was tiny.

TG: Well we really appreciate you going to such extremes just for an interview. But why? Why go to such lengths?

DP: Because I need to get the truth out there. I mean, it’s disgusting. We prey on people’s bodily insecurities and force them to see weight loss and not a healthy lifestyle as the end goal. I mean, we pretend that a fat person’s best course of action is to just continue eating pizza and chocolate but while still losing weight. We sell these people a dream and then sacrifice their health to make it come true. Also, seriously what’s wrong with you? Put the candy down and back away slowly.

TG: I think I’m okay making my own food choices, thanks. But I’m assuming your product includes some exposure to fruits and vegetables, right? I mean it can’t be just all pizza and chocolate. And if it is, you HAVE to tell me off the record who you are, because those are like my two favorite foods.

DP: Calm down, there, chubbo. I mean, yeah, sure we get you to eat your fruits and veggies basically by starving you and telling you that’s all you can eat to get rid of the hunger pangs. You’re welcome. But my point is this: being healthy is way more important than being thin. But we sell you this glossy, ripped version of health and promise that you too can have an ass that looks that amazing in a form-fitting dress. But an amazing ass won’t save you from heart disease.

TG: Yeah, but heart disease is linked to weight, isn’t it? And your product helps people reach a healthy goal weight, doesn’t it?

DP: Are you both fat and an idiot? Seriously, I thought by going the blog route I would get someone with at least a brain in her fucking head, not just some bozo with a tape recorder and major muffin top. I mean, obviously people with healthy diets and good exercise regimens are more likely to be thin and less likely to suffer from heart disease. But scarfing down half an ounce of synthetic low fat cheese on a two inch square of wheat bread covered in low calorie, low sugar tomato sauce isn’t exactly the pinnacle of health. Especially if that counts as your dinner. But this is what people are doing to “get healthy.” It makes me sick. As sick as your stupid fucking face.

TG: Wait. Low calorie versions of food aren’t just automatically healthier for me? But they make you skinny. And skinny is healthy.

DP: Okay, I’m going to say this slowly because clearly the massive amount of fat on your thighs has traveled to your brain. Skinny is not healthy. Healthy is healthy. And more often than not (but not always), healthy is skinny.

TG: My thighs aren’t massive! They’re just womanly!

DP: Whatever you say, chubbo. I mean, listen, I’m not saying your body doesn’t have its upside. I’m sure some Renaissance painter would have just drooled over the prospect of painting your womanly cellulite.

TG: See? You’re preying on my body insecurities! You’re making me feel badly about myself because of my weight!

DP: Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I’ve just spent my whole life subliminally telling women that their bodies weren’t good enough. I mean, yours is fine. I’m sure some man would love to climb on top of that if he were drunk and desperate enough.

TG: Seriously?

DP: Okay, okay, I’m sorry. You’re right. But this is what I do. I subliminally break down your body image, mainly by showing you images of perfect female bodies. And then I promise you you can achieve a body just like that if you’ll just pay for my program. I say some inspirational catch phrases about sparkling and being amazing and I tell you that you won’t go hungry and it’s just so easy to fit into your daily lifestyle. And then I take all your money and you follow the program, are constantly hungry but finally reach a size two without even learning how to alter your lifestyle to maintain that weight. Or you get pissed off because you’re so hungry and then you quit and you stay fat. That’s what I do. Tah-dah!

TG: Well, that still doesn’t give you a right to be so pissy all the time, you know.

DP: I’m sorry. I really am. I’m just so fucking hungry. My stomach gets rumbly and then I get kind of dizzy and then I just can’t keep the bitchiness inside anymore. But maybe if you weren’t so fat and stupid and ugly I wouldn’t have any bitchiness to let out in the first place.

TG: Okay, well moving on. Are you sure you can’t just give me a hint about who you are? How about we do it this way: are you better or worse for my health than the Atkins diet?

DP: Sweetheart, if you laced those M&Ms with cocaine they’d probably be healthier for you than the Atkins diet. Mostly because the coke would keep you from stuffing your fat fucking face in the future. But seriously, the Atkins diet? That’s like the worst. I mean, I know I’m bad, but I’m not that bad.

TG: Um, okay. How about the cookie diet? You know where you get to spend all day eating cookies and then you get one meal?

DP: See this is what I’m talking about. How can people honestly believe that eating cookies instead of a meal is actually a healthy lifestyle choice? Are Americans secretly just a bunch of ugly drunk apes or something? Because that’s how dumb they are.

TG: So not the cookie diet, then. Okay. Noted.  So maybe you’re more like Nutrisystem? I would love to have food with your sunshiney face delivered to my house every month…

DP: Listen fatass. Just because I’m starving doesn’t mean I’m too stupid to pick up the world’s worst sarcasm. But my face on a box would be a lot cuter than your jiggly upper arms are in that tank top, okay?

TG: Alright. Well we really don’t seem to be going anywhere with this, so maybe we’ll just wrap things up. Thanks for speaking with me today.

DP: No problem, chubbo. But can I have a small favor? Can I just smell your M&M bag? Not for too long, I don’t want to inhale the calories or anything. I just need a small hit.

TG: Sure. (Backs away slowly)

Tired of chowing down on raw carrots after a five mile run only to gain a pound from that bite of cheesecake you snuck at your friend’s barbeque the day before? Sick of fleeing from the tempting smell of bacon like your best friend Brittany flees from the smell of her douchey but hot ex-boyfriend’s Axe body spray? Well we have the solution for you!

Presenting EatAway, from the makers of LactateAway, the revolutionary pill that gave you all the calorie-burning benefits of lactation without the side effect of a screaming infant. The EatAway program is an easy-to-use system consisting of just two pills a day: a patented strain of necrotizing fasciitis that specifically targets the user’s fat cells and a mild antibiotic that kills any remaining bacteria before it gets to your lean muscle tissue.

The science is simple: just take the BacPill once a day and good bacteria will travel through your blood stream until it gets to those traditional trouble areas (abdomen, thighs, butt, you name it!) and begins to feast on your fat cells, even as you feast on a bacon cheeseburger and fries. Then, before you go to bed, take the AntiBacPill, which will kill any bacteria remaining in your system before it gets to your muscle and skin. Repeat daily until you have the body of your dreams.

But don’t just take our word for it. Here are some glowing reviews from our trial run:

“EatAway didn’t even give me my high school body back, it gave me the body I wished I had in high school! And I didn’t have to give up any food or lift a finger to exercise. I spent the whole time eating doughnuts and watching reruns of Grey’s Anatomy and I still lost 20 pounds!”-Jane, 34

“I’m a mother of four and I never thought I would be able to get my pre-pregnancy body back so that I could really enjoy time with my boys. But thanks to EatAway, I ate whatever I wanted and still lost weight! Now I have the body I need to lay outside on a lawn chair in a bikini while my boys run around our front yard—you know, quality family time. Thanks EatAway!”-Sophie, 36

“Before EatAway, I was just a shy virgin. No boys would even bother looking at my 300+ pounds, let alone sleeping with me. But ever since I lost over 150 pounds, thanks to a six month regimen of EatAway, men approach me all the time. I’ve already slept with 15 different men! They really love me for me; I can tell by the way they say, ‘Baby, you’re so hot.’ You only call a woman ‘baby’ if there’s a profound emotional connection, right?”-Tara, 24

Those are just three of many such reviews proving the effectiveness of EatAway. So, give it a try! Eat away with EatAway and still lose!

Customers reimbursed for product reviews. Product not evaluated by Food and Drug Administration. DietAway Inc. not liable for any side effects including, but not limited to: muscle atrophy, gangrene, constipation, diarrhea, sterility, and uncontrollable bacterial infection.