Dear Mr. Former Governor Romney and Mr. President Obama and all the other Men In Suits,

Our big kid friends in the 5^th grade are helping us write this letter to you. First we would like to say that we like your suits. They make you look very handsome. Some of our dads wear suits, too. Wouldn’t they be even cooler with spaceships or fire trucks all over them, though?

We would just like to tell you some of the things that we have learned in kindergarten. Because we think that maybe you did not learn any of these things because of what you do and say. It’s like you don’t know these simple rules! But don’t worry, they’re easy.

1.)    Lying is always bad. Even good lies, like telling your grandma that her new hair color is pretty, are bad because then when she goes to the store and everyone looks at her funny she will be confused. It is better to just not say anything or to say something that is cute but true like “I love you!” So please don’t lie, ever. It is wrong and will hurt people.

2.)    Don’t call each other names. Even weird names that don’t make sense, like “malarkey.” It’s mean and we’re surprised that man with the blue eyes and big nose didn’t cry from being called it so much. But he sure did look mad.

3.)    Don’t say you’re going to punch each other, One of our mommies said that two men called senatators or something said that they were going to punch each other during the veeeep debait. We don’t know what senatators are, but we hope they’re like tator tots. But punching each other is bad. And if you say it and don’t mean it, then that is lying, which is also bad. Stop lying and hurting each other.

4.)    Don’t interrupt.  Interrupting is rude. We know sometimes you have really important thoughts like, “Oh look, a puppy!” when there’s a puppy nearby. But it’s important to wait your turn.

5.)    Don’t put people in binders. We heard that Mr. Former Governor Romney was putting women in binders. That must hurt! People are supposed to use binders not be put in them.

6.)    Women are people, too. Listen, we know better than anyone that girls have cooties. But so do boys! That’s why we all get equal turns in the 4 square court. Because boys and girls are equal.

We hope that these ideas help you. Also, in exchange for them, can we please go to outer space? We hear you have space shuttles! Our first choice is anywhere with aliens and our second choice is Mars and our third choice is the Moon.

Love,

The Kindergarten Class of Oak Bridge Elementary

P.S. Thank you to the 5^th graders for writing for us. It is also important to always thank people who help you, even if sometimes they also steal the Fruit Roll Ups that your parents packed in your lunch.

The President said that, in the week prior to the debate, he was discreetly approached by several staff members who informed him that the coming debate was, in fact, an elaborate prank orchestrated by the MTV program Punk’d.

“I was told by these staff members that the episode would air, as a surprise to MTV viewers, prior to the actual debate, which would be pushed back to the week following the VP debate,” Obama said in his statement.

“My understanding of the program is that it is an attempt to get a rise out of celebrities, such as myself, a chance for viewers to see them get angry or overly aggressive. However, a true leader cannot ever appear overly aggressive, not even for the entertainment of the lovely MTV audience.”

According to the statement released today, President Obama intentionally toned down his debate performance in order to appear more docile and in control for the MTV viewers. However, “Ashton Kutcher never appeared, even as the whole debate wrapped up.”

The President expressed his regret that the debate was, in fact, an actual presidential debate and not an elaborate prank. However, he remains suspicious and said, “My campaign team and I have not ruled out the possibility that the prank is even more elaborate than originally suspected and, in fact, includes the negative media coverage surrounding the debate’s aftermath. Ashton, come out! I know you’re there!”

During a recent appearance on Univision’s “Meet the Candidate” Mitt Romney appeared markedly tanner than previous campaign events, prompting accusations that he had appeared in brownface in order to connect more with Latino voters. The following ad, leaked exclusively to The Gabbler, was sent to Romney in the weeks prior to the “Meet the Candidate” forum.

Our anonymous source maintains that Romney, after carefully considering the ad, said that while he agreed with the overall sentiment, he had decided to take “the Snooki route” and go to a tanning salon instead, rather than appear in brownface and “risk a controversy.” This assessment has seemingly paid off, as Univision makeup artist Lazz Rodriguez has debunked the rumor that Romney specifically requested to be made tanner for the appearance.

Calling the pasty white, the chronically melanin deprived, the uncool Caucasians of the world! Are you tired of being considered not as “down” as those “hip” colored folks? Sick of not having the “street cred” of a minority and of ignoring that look of disdain in your maid’s eye? Do you love Taco Bell but still can’t manage to impress the cute Latina counter girl, because your come hither stare is glinting off your alabaster skin and blinding her?

Well, worry no more! Introducing Down with Brown, the revolutionary new face tanning system that allows you to be a tad bit browner on the outside, while still maintaining all the class, decorum, and intelligence of a white person.

Whether you’re a 13-year-old trying to impress the ladies with your “cool Latino vibe” or a politician trying to poach the minority vote from the cool, black opposition candidate, Down with Brown is the product for you. Just apply a light coat to your face and BAM: instant Minority Status.

And don’t worry folks, this product is absolutely not racist (although we don’t recommend its use in Arizona or other states with strict immigration laws). It just allows you to cash in on the cultural credit that comes with being a minority! Plus, you’ll be able to dodge the racism bullet simply by casually mentioning a family trip to Bermuda, resulting in a tanner complexion.

So, call us and get Down with Brown!

Clinton began his speech by claiming that he was there for “the sole purpose of supporting the President in his reelection bid” but then informed the crowd of donors that he needed “to be honest about some facts I’ve dug up, concerning these two men.” Clinton then began reciting a list of characteristics shared by the two candidates.

“Both men have children, but Romney’s record there is much more extensive, beginning in in 1970 with the birth of the first of five boys. Obama, meanwhile, only began having children in 1998 and then only managed to have two girls.” Clinton then spoke about their marital records. “Obama’s only been married about 20 years, but Romney’s been married for a whole 43 years. So as you can see, Romney’s been much more pro-marriage and pro-children for much longer than Obama.”

Clinton later switched to a discussion of their professional lives, saying that “while Obama is impressive in being the 44^th president of the United States of America, Romney was the 70^th governor of Massachusetts. A distance of 34 executives separates that number, showing Romney’s tenure as part of a much stronger, longer-lasting tradition.” He continued by comparing their signatures, calling Romney’s “the much more manly of the two, slantey and sure” while Obama’s is “kind of girly and bubbley, like Chelsea’s handwriting in the fifth grade.”

Clinton concluded by praising both men, saying “they both have equally ridiculous sounding names, especially when you’re out in California enjoying some medical-grade marijuana for your tension headaches” before encouraging the crowd to “vote for Rom-Obama!” Despite Clinton’s ambivalent speech, the event, coupled with several others in the New York area, helped to bring in millions of dollars for the Obama campaign.