In recent weeks, experts have speculated that the former Cosmopolitan center-fold and Republican senator is considering running for governor of Massachusetts, a Massachusetts Senate seat, a New Hampshire Senate seat, and possibly for President in 2016. Without revealing his true plans, Brown made several campaign stops, including a visit to the Iowa State Fair, a Cheap Trick concert held at Hampton Beach Casino in New Hampshire, and a fundraiser for Citizens for a Strong New Hampshire in Portsmouth, NH.

The memo received this morning by The Gabbler, was titled “Campaign Objectives” and was addressed to his future campaign manager. The main objective, written under the title in large bold lettering was listed simply as “GET MY HOT ASS ON REALITY TV.”

Brown continued to outline his idea for a reality TV show, to be titled Scott Brown’s Big Tent, and meant to chronicle “one extremely attractive man’s day-to-day struggle to bring the Republican party under one metaphorical (and maybe literal? Depends on budget…) big tent.” He also expressed that he wanted the aesthetic to be “a mash-up of the down home style of Sarah Palin’s Alaska and Honey Boo Boo with the glamour of Keeping up with the Kardashians and the Real Housewives franchise.”

This outline included a few episode ideas involving famous Republicans.

“I bring Chris Christie to the tent and have him meet with The Biggest Loser’s Jillian Michaels, who helps that fat bastard reach all his weight loss goals,” read one of his pitches.

Another idea was “a contest to see who can get Dick Cheney to actually smile.”

His pilot episode was described as simply “a pose-off between Paul Ryan and me.”

Following the outline and episode guide, Brown discussed his strategy for garnering enough media attention to be offered a reality show deal. The main strategy consisted of listing all of the offices for which he was eligible to run and planning various campaign stops to get buzz going about any and all campaigns. He concluded by saying “This is America: go big or go home. Just look at Christie.”

Steps

1.)    Be uniquely hot. Anybody can be just normal hot with the right mix of plastic surgery and a steady diet of cocaine and Five Hour Energy. So you need to stand out. For example, you could be the Hot Bisexual Asian. Or the Hot Bisexual Nurse. Or the Hot but Naughty Bisexual Catholic Schoolgirl. Or just your plain old Hot Big-Assed Armenian, for some reason.

2.)    Become involved in the pornography industry in some way. The most straightforward way is to just do a few Playboy or Penthouse spreads to get your name out there, but try a leaked sex tape if you’re going for the Hot but Classy Bisexual or the Hot Girl Next Door. With a leaked sex tape you’ll have deniability and be able to maintain a “good girl” image. Note: If you’re going for the Hot Virgin thing consider doing a magazine spread wearing nothing but a few well-placed crosses. Then pretend you just did the whole thing to help pay for college.

3.)    Everything you need to look hot for your photo shoot is in your parents’ kitchen. Obviously you’re going to want to prep your body before your big shoot. But no need to go out and buy fancy cosmetics! Just raid your parents’ kitchen. So, for example, if you’re not going to go full Brazilian, give your pubic hair a nice mayonnaise treatment. It’ll leave your hair nice and smooth. And don’t forget to take a full olive oil bath to help get rid of any stretch marks (canola oil can be substituted if olive oil is too pricey). Finally, make sure to spend at least an hour with your entire naked body covered in lunch meat. It should reduce puffiness and help you achieve that sun-kissed glow that every girl is looking for!

4.)    Start small. Try out as a contestant for somebody else’s show. Even if it turns out to be a two episode romp on Ted Nugent’s ranch (gross), you’ll still get some exposure and before you know it, MTV will be calling you about your own Hot Bisexual Asian Dating Show.

5.)    Create drama while still maintaining the moral high ground. Call someone out on their more obvious flaws. Like, for example, when the vegan bitch won’t save poor, stranded geese, make it known that you are totally not cool with that. Use big words. Yell more quietly than the other person. And most importantly, when backed into a corner, hide behind religion to justify your behavior.

6.)    Producers should be calling you for your own show soon! If you’ve followed my steps carefully up to this point, you should be ready for your own show! Don’t worry if you don’t get any calls from producers right after your initial reality show appearance, just appear naked a few more times and try to sell a story about your struggle with your nymphomaniac sexuality to In Touch or US Weekly and they should start calling any day.

7.)    Star in your own dating show. Chances are, the show you’ll get will be about dating because who doesn’t want to watch a Hot Bisexual find love? At this stage, it’s probably best to stop talking about sex so much and start talking about your epic search for love. And only sleep with the contestants if they’re really hot and the cameras are in the room.

8.)    Capitalize from your exposure. As soon as your show is done shooting, make sure to start building your brand. You’ll want to make your own website filled with naked pictures, but in a loving way (remember you’re no longer all about sex, you’re about finding true love). Also, try to explore your other talents so that you can build a following outside of reality TV. Maybe try singing, it’s pretty easy with the right producer and voice synthesizer (just stay away from Juggalos). Remember, everything at this point is about you having a lot of sex, but with love.

9.)    Soak up the fame. You’ve now made it to the A-list. Congrats! Try to capitalize on it by marrying rich.

Tips

• Sex sells. So if people stop noticing you for a while, just get more naked or film more graphic penetration.
• The Tabloids are secretly a Reality Star’s best friend! Sell them outrageous stories as “an anonymous source” and then act shocked and hurt that people would say such awful things about you. It’s a great way to up your exposure while making money.
• It’s best to have a few hot gay friends to send Perez’s way if the Tabloids start ignoring you. One good blowey and he will put you all over his site.
• Still, some obstacles to staying relevant just can’t be overcome. For example, Hot Bisexual Blonde Twins.
• Make sure to be a good role model. You have an obligation to your younger fans to show them the right way. Like when you’re singing about fucking the DJ, remind them how much men love it when you “put the pussy on him raw, no protection.” They’ll appreciate your lyrical honesty.