2. He was shot 9 times by none other than American rapper 50 Cent. Putin lived, of course. 50 cent says that Putin now has his “respect.” Putin has decided not to press charges, because “the scars are badass.” 50 was relieved, and reportedly burst out into a new rap, “A bitch still can’t get a dolla outta me — but Putin might be able to get my money.”

3. He was participating in an underground Judo competition in a seedy neighborhood in Tokyo. He won, using his signature move: HARAIGOSHI!

4. He was posing shirtless in a new Chippendale’s calendar – for charity, of course.

5. He fathered another child from a Russian ballerina, and was busy delivering the baby himself in St. Petersburg. He even cut the umbilical cord – with his teeth.

6. He challenged Angela Merkel to a thumb-wrestling contest. She won. He will speak of this to no one, ever.

7. He was filming a new action movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Production is stalled, however, because Sylvester Stallone threw a tantrum on set out of jealousy.

8. He was gambling at the back room of the Red Square in Las Vegas to win back his country’s deficits.

9. He was on a secret mission to find the missing Malaysia airline’s blackboxes –and then hide them again.
10. He was hunting commercial airliners in eastern Ukraine again. (Too soon?)

The Winter Olympic Committee’s Official List of Rejected Opening Ceremony Ideas

1.) A live reenactment of Crime and Punishment, with Edward Snowden in the role of Raskolnikov

2.) A Putin mascot doing the Harlem Shake

3.) Police Choir rapping “Back in the USSR”

4.) A retrospective on the inherent heterosexuality of all Russian men

5.) A gulag prison scene featuring Pussy Riot look-a-likes singing “Cell Block Tango” from Chicago

6.) A Stalin mustache contest

7.) A classy, traditional Olympic ring display that has no risk of technical failure

8.) A non-dramatic reading of War and Peace in its entirety

9.) A vodka and caviar chugging contest

10.) A theatrical version of Fox Animations Studio’s Anastasia 

11.) Russia’s Next Top Model, Live with Putin as head judge

12.) Judo demonstration, starring Putin