An estimated eight million Americans have been diagnosed with Post Snowden Anxiety Disorder since Edward Snowden first leaked to the press the existence of the National Security Agency’s surveillance programs, which log Americans’ phone and internet activity, ostensibly for the purpose of national security.

Post Snowden Anxiety Disorder, or PSAD, is characterized by extreme anxiety, paranoia, and a sudden flight from civilization, which makes the disorder especially hard to treat. Many sufferers can be found living in tents in the woods, although quite a few have unsuccessfully attempted to join the Amish. Nationally, the most popular destination has been the country’s surviving Native American reservations.

“Generally, sufferers of PSAD who move to a reservation go through two phases, one of idealistic elation at having evaded the United States government by moving out of their jurisdiction followed very quickly by a feeling of complete terror once they realize that the dispirited Native American population has been the victim of the most extreme and fatal forms of American government overreach,” said Dr. Stanley Johnson, a PSAD expert.

Very few people with PSAD have been successfully reintegrated into society, although a few have returned for brief periods. Generally, a sufferer will return for about one or two days, making contact with friends and families and even seeking treatment, before another major news story about government overreach comes out. Many of Dr. Johnson’s patients have come in to be treated for a day or two only to flee back into the woods.

“I was treating a young man just this week. He was progressing very well and was even able to read Al Jazeera online without having a panic attack. Unfortunately, while he was browsing through the news, he found a story on Reuters about how federal agents and law enforcement officials are secretly using NSA intercepts to initiate investigations, and creating phony investigations-called ‘parallel construction-to cover it up and make it valid in court. He’s been missing ever since.”

While some in the camping supplies industry have welcomed PSAD as a “way for every anxious American to begin their next camping adventure,” according to CampersRUs, many family and friends are devastated by the sudden loss of their loved ones. Others defend the actions of PSAD sufferers, declaring them to be the only sane Americans.

“I believe they need treatment, yes,” Dr. Johnson explained, “but do I understand why they’re so terrified? Of course. There’s so many programs and will you just listen to the names! Echelon, PRISM, X-Keyscore, Tempora, Stella Wind? The NSA collecting our browsing history and emails? Michael Hastings’ mysterious death while he was working on an investigative report on the FBI? A family investigated by a joint terrorist task force for searching for pressure cookers and backpacks on the same computer? A secret sub sect of the DEA tapping our phones and covering up their investigations? Sometimes I feel like they’re the only sane ones left.”

Since his interview yesterday, Dr. Johnson has been missing, although several campers have reported a man of his description hiking along the Appalachian Trail.

TG: Thank you so much for coming back, Fly on the Wall! Now, you’re a new Fly, right?

FOTW: I am. In human years, I started about a week ago. Full disclosure: I was actually listening in on your editorial meeting last week, so I was anticipating your call.

TG: See, this is exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about with this whole PRISM thing, Fly! It’s really not cool to spy on people like that.

FOTW: Well, you weren’t complaining a few months ago when one of my predecessors was telling you all the juicy secrets about 9/11 conspiracy theories, the lost city of Atlantis, and whether or not your high school crush actually did catch malaria the same night he was supposed to take you to prom.

TG: Ugh. I knew Tony was lying. It still cuts deeps, though. Okay, you’re right. I wasn’t complaining then. But now, my privacy is at stake!

FOTW: So you’re okay with me violating other people’s privacy, but not yours? It’s okay if I listen in on Kimye and find out what they’ll name their baby girl (SPOILER ALERT: they’re torn between Poison Ivy, Orange, or Sheesus), but it’s not cool for me to listen to you? Is that what you’re saying?

TG: Oh, god. I hope they go with Poison Ivy. Then her and Blue Ivy could either become BFFs or have major beef since birth!

 FOTW: See?! You presume to care about privacy, but you snap up my secrets faster than I circle rank garbage on a hot day.

TG: Okay, first of all, gross. And second, that’s just me being nosy. But I’m just an individual. Who does it hurt if I know Kimye’s baby name? The government is supposed to be the higher authority, not me. We are supposed to be able to trust them not to violate our rights!  That’s why we are a democratic republic. We elect them to make better decisions because we don’t trust ourselves.

FOTW: That’s a lovely sentiment, but tell me you’re not that naïve. You don’t actually trust our government, do you?

TG: I mean, I trusted Obama back in 2008. Back then I was all “Yes, We Can!”  Now I’m more like, “Eh, Can We?” But spying on us? I feel like my mom read my diary! It’s just kind of gross.

FOTW: Your mom did read your diary. Aloud. To your dad.

TG: WHAT?

FOTW: I can understand that you wouldn’t want people to know that you spend about 20 percent of your work day reading articles on Buzzfeed like “25 Ways to Know if You’re 25,” or “Check Out These 30 Pictures of Cats With Hats!” and another 30 percent checking Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

TG: For the record, I’m more of an Instagram kinda girl.

FOTW: I’ve seen your secret Pinboards. When were you planning that dream wedding for? Was it 2016?

TG: SHUT UP! Damn it. You’re worse than PRISM!

 FOTW: Or that you totally ate a cupcake at your company’s bake sale without donating a dollar to cancer research?

TG: I didn’t have any cash! I’m going to pay them back, with interest!

FOTW: Or, that–

TG: –Okay, okay! I get it! Trust no one. Someone could always be watching or listening. We’re never alone. I’m paranoid enough about my creepy neighbor installing a private camera in my shower, or my company checking my every move, or the video cameras in H&M, or that someone on the subway is going to take a video of me when I fall asleep and accidentally start drooling and put it on YouTube. Now I have to worry about every little thing I write online and say on the phone, too! Why do you think our culture is already so hyper-conscious?

FOTW: Here’s the thing. We Flies On the Walls have been spying on people a lot longer than the US government, and I’m not saying what they’re doing is right, but it is inevitable. There have been spies since the beginning of time, and the fact that people love to post every element of their personal lives onto a cyberspace – that, by the way, is totally unregulated and owned by private companies that don’t give a shit and will obviously sell your information because they are businesses trying to make money – just makes it that much easier. I could land on the wall of your room and listen in on all your secrets, or I could just sit at home in my PJs and check your Facebook wall and chances are, you’ve already put it all out there for the world to see. For me, it’s a lot less flying, which is nice.

TG: Well, Google and Facebook and Yahoo and everyone are all denying that they allowed it now.

FOTW: I’ll find out if they’re telling the truth. I’ve been a little tied up with this whole government hookers cover-up thing this week. Poor Hil. But I don’t trust them, Zuckerberg in particular. He swatted my brother.

TG: I’m so sorry!

FOTW: Oh, I have thousands more. And he was kind of a dick. Anyway, you can’t trust the internet.

TG: I understand that I can’t blindly trust that my personal information is ever 100 percent secure on the internet, but I just never thought I’d have to worry about my government being the one I had to worry about.

FOTW: As I was saying, I highly doubt they are concerned with the fact that you Liked your friend’s pictures from her trip to Bali. They are more concerned with terrorists at the moment.

TG: It’s the PRECEDENT, though. Next thing I know, the fact that I’ve spoken out against a certain political group in the past could be held against me. Like, for instance, will a semi-controversial tweet about the Israel/Palestine conflict be thrown back in my face? Does disagreeing with the government’s decisions make me a terrorist sympathizer? And what if I don’t think Bo is as cute as everyone else seems to? Am I unpatriotic because I happen to prefer Golden Retrievers? That’s not what freedom of speech and right to privacy are about.

 FOTW: I get what you’re saying, and frankly, I’d love if they’d stop. It’s not technically illegal what I do, because there’s no jurisdiction that forbids insects to listen in, so yeah, it’s a little frustrating that I have to compete with the NSA that doesn’t play by the rules. It’s putting me out of a job. Of course, there are still places I can get to that they can’t yet, but I give them 5 years, human time, before they’ve got their fly-sized robots buzzing around everyone’s ears. Well beyond my lifetime, but do I worry for my children and grandchildren? Of course.

 TG: Oh my god! Fly-sized robots! Why are they doing this? We have to stop them!

FOTW: It’s not as if these things start out as malicious. They are doing it to protect you, and themselves. And they want control. These are scary times. Terrorist attacks, wars, drained resources, nuclear weapons. And when people are afraid, personal liberties are unfortunately the first thing that citizens rescind. Remember how many people criticized the FBI for interviewing Suspect No. 1 in the Boston Bombings a few years back and not just immediately kicking him out of the country? You people can’t have it both ways. You have to choose.

TG: I know, I know. This is exactly how every dystopian science fiction book starts, though. You give in a little, and you can’t take it back. And I really can’t handle death by rats. I hate rats.

FOTW: I don’t think he died. He just submitted to loving Big Brother.

TG: That’s helpful. Thanks.

FOTW: I mean, there is an obvious solution.

TG: What is it?

FOTW: Just talk to each other face-to-face. A little actual contact with other humans is really good for your social skills. Plus, it will take a few years before robot-flies, so I’ll have my job back!

TG: Like, no internet? Or cell phones? At all?

FOTW: Forget it. You’re hopeless.