-Went to the dry cleaner (preparing suits for announcement rally?)

-Had Sunday dinner with not one but TWO former presidents (Presidents George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush)

-Purchased a diet cookbook at the local bookstore (losing weight to look good in debates?)

-Chatted at length with bookstore salesgirl about local economy (trying to look “folksy” and “down-to-earth”)

-Went for a brisk walk with wife, forced her to use small hand weights the whole time (attempt to get “Michelle arms”)

-Attempted to kiss baby and puppy at ice cream shop (photo op, anyone?)

-As if that’s not evidence ENOUGH, quick hack of his personal computer also showed the following searches:

• what is pinterest
• will pinterest help me get the youth vote
• will instagram help me get the youth vote
• how to win elections with the twitter
• do ladies really care that much about abortions
• how to relate to youths
• dramatic political slogan ideas
• low fat slow cooker chili recipes
• what dog do american voters like the most
• hillary clinton pantsuit designer

———

POINT

To Vote: I Just Want To Feel Like A Woman Again 

I know what you’re thinking.

I’m a sad-ass divorcée with a bad Bridget Bardot hair job who spends way too much time in the frozen food aisle at Kroger wishing I’d never met my Tweedle-dumbshit of an ex.

Well, guess the fuck what.

You’re right. I’m addicted to Hot Pockets and I never thought it was weird that Kevin owned 17 pairs of camel leather pants.

When life gives you lemons, you don’t ask questions.When your husband wants to wear your old Sweet Sixteen tiara on your wedding night, you take a Tylenol PM and you just go to bed.

But when you lose your day job at Jiffy Lube and full custody of the kids, you have to start asking yourself some pretty serious goddamn questions. Like: am I that shitty of a Mom? How do they cook the eggs inside of the Breakfast Pockets? Should I vote for the next American president?

The answer to two of those questions is, “Yes.” I know I can’t take my kids to Magic Mountain with my last paycheck, but I can walk down to the polling center in downtown Hamilton tomorrow and offer my 2 cents. Funny, how that works. The fact that I can vote makes me feel less like an emotionally crippled woman and a whole heck of a lot better about myself.

I used to wonder whether anybody really cared if I voted or not. But the future of our country isn’t relegated to either Obama or Romney without sad-ass divorcées like me, now is it? I know the Stevensons next door would beg to differ, but I’ll have you know that sad-ass divorcées are the only demographic both candidates happen to be calling at home today, thank you very much.

I know you think I’m pathetic for thinking my puny little vote counts, but guess what? I just don’t give a fuck. I want Christina from so-and-so’s campaign to call me at 7 p.m. during my game of Go-Fish with myself. I want to watch debates on the weeknights I don’t have the kids. I want somebody to hand me a little red or blue button to put on my crappy little handbag. I want to kill the Stevensons.

Sure, I’m no Hilly Clint or Condy Rice. Actually, my prime source of national information is US Weekly. But I have the God-given right to cast my vote based on what I interpret to be the most riveting, current events on Tuesday and nobody – not even Kevin – can take that way from me.

If casting my ballot makes me feel like a brand new woman who can afford $9 lipstick and a touchscreen microwave, so be it. If watching two handsome presidential candidates argue with each other about my right to choose makes me feel a little hot the way a vintage issue of Hustler magazine sometimes does, the American government can count me in.

Truth is, Obama and Romney have made me feel more desirable than I have felt in years and unlike the P.T.A. who has now ignored my request to participate in their monthly potluck six months in a row, I really think they’re listening.

———

COUNTERPOINT

Not to Vote: Politicians Won’t Get Shit from Me

People expect SOOOO much from us Americans. Especially the young. Oh be the best country in the whole universe. Oh the young are really weighing us down. They’re so lazy. Blah. Blah. Blah.

But you know what, man? Fuck em all. I am lazy. And voting, it’s just too much work. Like why am I going to go out of my way to vote for some old man who knows shit about what I’m going through? Especially not when there’s a Game of Thrones marathon on.

This is the way I see it. I’m not jumping through hoops just to put some guy who had no idea what he was doing the last four years back into the White House. And I’m CERTAINLY not going to do shit to vote in that other Ken doll who seems to think that the American electorate is some sweet little 16-year-old virgin whose pants he can lie his way into.

You know why? Because they’re certainly not going to jump through any fucking hoops to improve MY shitty life once they get there. Like, it’s all fine and perfect to talk about poverty and education problems and let your concerns roll off your tongue, smooth as the fine wine Romney probably drinks for breakfast. (Or wait, smooth as the fine apple cider…dude’s a non-drinking Mormon, right?) But that’s why they call that shit political rhetoric. Because no one actually does anything that even changes my life even a little bit.

I mean yeah, sure, there’s all this talking about Obamacare and jobs and shit and getting Americans back to work. Which is great, if anyone in the government ever bothered to get shit done. But, no, they’re too busy playing golf and traveling the world and starting wars and shit to even bother.

So, you know what? If you’re too busy hanging out with your family in Hawaii or gracing the London Olympics with your stiff as hell presence to even give a thought to me, the little guy, not even part of that sacred middle class everyone goes on and on about, then fine. But don’t expect me to go out of my way to even register to vote, let alone show up at the polls on the 6^th.

And I never fucking have. For all of the long years I could’ve registered to vote, all the times I watched the ebb and flow of that shitshow of a government, never have I once lifted a finger to become a part of this little system. Why give them even the satisfaction of even the tiniest, little implicit support of this fucked up little world that they created from their tiny little bird brains.

You know what I do instead? I watch sports. I buy tickets and jerseys and baseball caps and I get wasted on cheap beer and cheaper wings every Sunday, Monday, whatever day. Because football and basketball and baseball and all its meaningless games and championships and bowls and series have done more to lift this poor man out of the ghetto than any president ever has, could, or would do. So you know what? Long live the New York fucking Giants, because there’s more hope in that team than there ever will be in the White House.

And all you do-gooders, you apple pie-eating, rosy-cheeked and blue-eyed citizens, you have fun trotting down to the polls on election day. Have fun getting off to the results show, while some fat, obnoxious pundit maths his way to the result he wants. Even, if you really want, have fun volunteering and calling a poor little fucker like me and trying to convince him to vote, just because he lives in some shithole swing state that only really matters to anyone every four years. But I’m not lifting one fucking finger for some D.C. asshole in a shiny suit who just wants $400,000/year in perpetuity and access to nukes.

———

BALLPOINT

POINT written by Shruti Sehgal & COUNTERPOINT written by Jessica Pierce

In an official statement issued today, the State department listed several reasons for the new advisory, citing the recent mass shootings in Aurora, Colorado, Oak Creek, Wisconsin, and Brookfield, Wisconsin.

The statement also discussed the role that the presidential election has played in the department’s decision.

“Both candidates’ refusal to take a stance on the issue of gun control in the last debate signaled that mass shootings could potentially be an issue for the American people for some time,” the statement said.

Another factor contributing to the State Department’s decision was the divisive atmosphere surrounding the current election.

“Several Tweets with the hashtag ‘If Obama Don’t Win’ have expressed plans to riot, should Governor Romney win the election. Such plans have created a potentially volatile election environment,” the statement continued.

The State Department has advised citizens to remain in their private residences and if forced to travel to public spaces, to do so with the appropriate protective safety gear, such as bulletproof vests. Unfortunately, they were unable to give a specific date that they expect the travel warning to be lifted.

Dear Mr. Former Governor Romney and Mr. President Obama and all the other Men In Suits,

Our big kid friends in the 5^th grade are helping us write this letter to you. First we would like to say that we like your suits. They make you look very handsome. Some of our dads wear suits, too. Wouldn’t they be even cooler with spaceships or fire trucks all over them, though?

We would just like to tell you some of the things that we have learned in kindergarten. Because we think that maybe you did not learn any of these things because of what you do and say. It’s like you don’t know these simple rules! But don’t worry, they’re easy.

1.)    Lying is always bad. Even good lies, like telling your grandma that her new hair color is pretty, are bad because then when she goes to the store and everyone looks at her funny she will be confused. It is better to just not say anything or to say something that is cute but true like “I love you!” So please don’t lie, ever. It is wrong and will hurt people.

2.)    Don’t call each other names. Even weird names that don’t make sense, like “malarkey.” It’s mean and we’re surprised that man with the blue eyes and big nose didn’t cry from being called it so much. But he sure did look mad.

3.)    Don’t say you’re going to punch each other, One of our mommies said that two men called senatators or something said that they were going to punch each other during the veeeep debait. We don’t know what senatators are, but we hope they’re like tator tots. But punching each other is bad. And if you say it and don’t mean it, then that is lying, which is also bad. Stop lying and hurting each other.

4.)    Don’t interrupt.  Interrupting is rude. We know sometimes you have really important thoughts like, “Oh look, a puppy!” when there’s a puppy nearby. But it’s important to wait your turn.

5.)    Don’t put people in binders. We heard that Mr. Former Governor Romney was putting women in binders. That must hurt! People are supposed to use binders not be put in them.

6.)    Women are people, too. Listen, we know better than anyone that girls have cooties. But so do boys! That’s why we all get equal turns in the 4 square court. Because boys and girls are equal.

We hope that these ideas help you. Also, in exchange for them, can we please go to outer space? We hear you have space shuttles! Our first choice is anywhere with aliens and our second choice is Mars and our third choice is the Moon.

Love,

The Kindergarten Class of Oak Bridge Elementary

P.S. Thank you to the 5^th graders for writing for us. It is also important to always thank people who help you, even if sometimes they also steal the Fruit Roll Ups that your parents packed in your lunch.

The President said that, in the week prior to the debate, he was discreetly approached by several staff members who informed him that the coming debate was, in fact, an elaborate prank orchestrated by the MTV program Punk’d.

“I was told by these staff members that the episode would air, as a surprise to MTV viewers, prior to the actual debate, which would be pushed back to the week following the VP debate,” Obama said in his statement.

“My understanding of the program is that it is an attempt to get a rise out of celebrities, such as myself, a chance for viewers to see them get angry or overly aggressive. However, a true leader cannot ever appear overly aggressive, not even for the entertainment of the lovely MTV audience.”

According to the statement released today, President Obama intentionally toned down his debate performance in order to appear more docile and in control for the MTV viewers. However, “Ashton Kutcher never appeared, even as the whole debate wrapped up.”

The President expressed his regret that the debate was, in fact, an actual presidential debate and not an elaborate prank. However, he remains suspicious and said, “My campaign team and I have not ruled out the possibility that the prank is even more elaborate than originally suspected and, in fact, includes the negative media coverage surrounding the debate’s aftermath. Ashton, come out! I know you’re there!”