-Wonk word ‘em: You’re the wunderkid. The Washington wonk who flew in with all the arcane buzz words necessary to not pass a budget. Everyone loves to PTK (pretend to know) the s-o-u-r-c-e of a good acronym. Or as we call them on the House Budget Committee, nyms. So who cares if they’re not real budget and tax phraseology. Who’ll know the difference?

-Numbers: Ahhh, numbers. Who can dispute that we’re now $4 gazillion in debt thanks to Obama’s need for vacation days? Besides anyone with access to “facts.” But here’s the trick: voters don’t pay attention. They take one look at your winning smile and they just know: a man that handsome would never lie. Plus, listen to his encyclopedic understand of numbers and obscure jargon. He obviously knows what he’s talking about.

-Lies work for anecdotes, too: Why just stick with lying about the numbers? I’m pretty sure no one even noticed that thing you said about Obama shutting down that auto plant during the Convention. So go for it. Like, did you know that Obama secretly loves terrorists? And that, one time, John Boehner overheard him calling himself Robin Hood laughing about how he was going to suck the rich dry and give it all to the poor? True story.

-Don’t forget about Jesus: Seriously, why’s this guy not more involved in public life? Isn’t His whole deal that He died for our sins so that He can boss us around more and teach us about how the gays shouldn’t be married and fetuses should be protected over women? Also, I’m pretty sure He’s not a fan of taxes on the rich and He hates entitlement spending.

-Don’t forget, you’re all about bipartisanship: You’ve always been willing to reach across the aisle and work with any Democrats interested in voting the Republican Party line. Work that.

-Provoke a gaffe: I mean, you’re working against Biden. Just confuse him with some numbers and some jargon and casually bring up chains. He’ll run with it.

-Vote for Romney, not Ryan: Oh, wait, you disagree with a point I made? Well no worries, I’m just casually following whatever Romney says. I mean, sure, I may think that rape victims shouldn’t be allowed to murder their fetuses, but he’s okay with it. So don’t even worry about it until I run in 2016 or 2020, depending on how things go tonight. Or, you know, I guess in the other parts of this whole election thing, too.

-Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate: Don’t forget your throat dries up when you stretch the truth. You don’t want a repeat of the Dating Disaster of ‘85 when you tried to tell Susie McDonnell that if she let you get to second you would love her forever and broke out into an uncontrollable coughing fit. Still got some over the shirt action, though.

-If all else fails, dazzle them with those baby blues: You are one handsome mother fucker. Load up on Crest White Strips smile, work that handsome frown of yours that you’ve practiced so much (it’s a great way to look disappointed in Obama while still maintaining that sexy mystique) and don’t forget to wear a jacket just tight enough to accent your guns. (The bicep kind, not the “I have the right to bear this” kind.)

“I have a few facts for you that the Obama administration has willfully chosen to ignore,” Romney told the crowd of donors. “Fact: Obesity leads to a rash of health disorders that are costing our country millions, if not billions of dollars. Fact: P90X is a cost-effective system to prevent and reverse obesity.”

Romney continued to discuss the Medicaid budget, calling it “an unnecessary drain on our most precious national resource—tax dollars” before presenting his new proposal. “This system, of giving P90X vouchers in lieu of health care, will not only lower government costs, but it will lower the costs of those currently on Medicaid, since they won’t need to seek medical care anymore. They’ll be healthier, happier, and more ripped than ever!”

“This system will also encourage the poor to get up off that couch and do something proactive instead of just uselessly draining our nation’s resources,” Romney then told the crowd. “And maybe, once they have their physical house in order, they’ll be able to get their financial one in order, as well.”

Meanwhile, Ryan continued campaigning in Ohio, speaking at his alma mater, Miami University, and leading a free P90X session at a local homeless shelter.

The Gabbler: (Crosses herself) In the name of the father and the son and the Holy Spirit, it’s an honor to meet you. (Bows)

Nun on the Bus: I’m pretty sure that’s not at all necessary, sweetheart. In fact, it’s actually pretty offensive. Did you just Google Catholic stereotypes before I got here and go with the first thing that popped up on the screen?

G: No, or I would be asking you about why your priests like little boys so much. Zing! Anyway, I do apologize. I’m not exactly Catholic…or Christian…or anything. But I’ve heard about this Jesus guy. He seems pretty cool.

N: Don’t you think the pedophile jokes are a little overdone?

G: Sorry. But tell me more about this Jesus dude. On a scale of one to 10, one being Battlestar Galactica and 10 being Skrillex, how cool was Jesus?

N: If Skrillex is a 10, then Jesus is at least a 100, if not more. Jesus was the coolest. You know that He’s basically responsible for the moral philosophy of the whole western world, right? And that’s why we’re fighting so hard for our government to live up to their promise to do their work in His name.

G: Wait, our government works in Jesus’s name? Don’t we have separation of church and state and all that good stuff?

N: Are you really that stupid? If you don’t think the underlying morals of a country, based on their strong belief in Jesus’s teachings, informs their political decisions, you’re an idiot. But currently, we’re failing to live up to Jesus’s teachings. We’re failing miserably.

G: Really? Because you know, even if there’s separation of church and state and all, I always thought we were doing so well Jesus-approval wise! Creationism is taught in public schools, gay marriage can’t be nationally legalized, abortion rights are dwindling. What more could God want?

N: Okay, so to answer my earlier question, you really are that stupid. I mean, sure, heterosexual marriage is great. Not my cup of tea and all, but I’m sure it’s great. And abortion is pretty awful. As for Creationism, seriously? Why is it so hard for science and religion to live side by side? God created the universe and gave it order and that order is science. Every scientific discovery, including evolution, is just another example of God’s greatness at work.

G: I don’t know if it’s quite fair to call me stupid just because I don’t know about your God and stuff. I know a lot about other stuff, like the Real Housewives franchise and the Kardashians. But, ok, moving on, tell me about the Nuns on the Bus. You’re lobbying against Paul Ryan’s proposed 2013 budget. What’s wrong with it?

N: Other than the fact that it cuts taxes for the wealthiest Americans while simultaneously upping the tax burden for lower class families and cutting necessary social welfare spending? Or the fact that its provisions will push two million children into poverty? Or that it does nothing to curb ridiculous defense spending?

G: Well those things certainly don’t sound good…

N: –No, they’re not good. They’re selfishness masquerading as fiscal responsibility and it’s disgusting. I can’t believe that fucking douche bag Paul Ryan has the nerve to call himself a Catholic. Shit! (Looks upward) Sorry Lord for the swearing. I’ll put another dollar in the swear jar when I get back to the bus, I promise.

G: God doesn’t like swearing? Well I’m definitely going to h-e double hockey sticks, then. But back to the topic at hand: it seems to me that you’re saying that Representative Paul Ryan’s budget isn’t compatible with his Catholic belief structure.

N: That’s exactly what I’m saying. I mean, take the basic fact that the budget is calling for a repeal of the Affordable Care Act. Or that it’s privatizing Medicare, which will make healthcare costs for seniors go sky high. Do you really think that Jesus would be for a for profit system of healthcare? I mean, this was a man who went around curing lepers out of the compassion of his heart, free of charge. He clearly believed that even the most humble man deserves access to curative medicine.

G: Really? I’m really liking the sound of this Jesus character. He seems pretty legit. But Republicans seem pretty set on abolishing the Affordable Care Act. Why do you think they’ll listen to you?

N:  Well all these Republicans claim to be doing God’s work, governing with God’s message in mind. Well, here we are, God’s servants on earth, telling you that you’re doing a shitty job. My sincerest apologies, Heavenly Father. Just more money for the swear jar. But we draw legitimacy from being nuns. If they want to hold true to their claims that they believe in a Christian, Godly America, they can’t just go on Fox News and bash us. We’re NUNS. That would be the height of hypocrisy.

G: Genius! So tell me about life on the Bus. Is spending that much time in close quarters with that many women difficult? Because I know for me, you know, I lived in my sorority house in college and sometimes I just needed to GET out…

N: –Well, you know that I normally live in a convent with these women, right? That’s kind of part of the deal. But it’s nice, because at least if I get some ketchup on my wimple there are plenty of extras to go around.

G: Really? You guys still wear wimples?

N: Wow, you really are a fucking idiot, aren’t you? Sorry, Lord! Another dollar for the swear jar, I promise. But I’m sitting in front of you in a cardigan and a skirt. Clearly we don’t wear wimples anymore or I would have one on.

G: Oh, well I just thought it was your smart interview and lobbying gear. But, wait. You live together with all women all the time? For your entire lifetime? That must take some kind of super power.

N: It could be worse. Have you ever seen a man’s bathroom? Gross. Thank God we don’t have to live with them. Plus, we all do our part to help out, according to your abilities, and we’re all provided for.

G: Wait what? Did you just basically say “from each according to her ability, to each according to her needs” except in nun-speak?

N: I mean, that’s not actually a bad paraphrase of what I said, but we’re not Marxists. Nuns have been living a communal lifestyle for centuries, millennia, even.

G: OH MY GOD YOU’RE A BUNCH OF COMMIES.

N: Well that’s a fucking exaggeration. Sorry, Lord, but seriously? That word was made for times like these.

G: Excuse me, did you not just say that you live in a “communal structure?” And before that, didn’t you basically paraphrase the central tenant of Marxism to describe life in the convent? And you think that you have legitimacy with the right wing media because of some Jesus dude? THEY ARE GOING TO CRUSH YOU.

N: If they’re as religious as they claim to be, they have no basis…

G: –I’m sorry, not to be impolite or anything, your excellency, but I think I need to end this interview now. I mean, if Fox News hears that The Gabbler has been speaking with an openly communist nun, they’re going to brand us as part of the liberal media and we can’t handle that level of negative publicity right now. In the name of the father and the son and the Holy Spirit, Amen, and please leave immediately, but make sure no one sees you. (Bows)