The greatest threat to the freedom of the press and expression doesn’t come from extremists — it comes from government itself.

Leaders and dignitaries from across the world convened in Paris on Sunday in a show of unity following the attacks on Charlie Hebdo. Unfortunately, many of the governments represented have atrocious records dealing with the press and freedom of expression in their own countries. To mention a few:

• Britain’s government did it’s best to hamper the Guardian’s ability to report on state surveillance revelations from the Edward Snowden documents.
• Turkey’s government just arrested the editor in chief of a leading newspaper and is constantly prosecuting cartoonists for drawing-related crimes.
• In a highly-flawed trial, Egypt’s government jailed 3 Al Jazeera journalists for aiding the Muslim Brotherhood.
• The U.S. government — and the Obama administration in particular — has aggressively pursued and jailed whistleblowers that speak to journalists. The only CIA employee to face jail time for the torture program at the agency was John Kiriakou, who tried to expose it.

Recommended Reading:

Guatemalans Aren’t Just Fleeing Gangs by Saul Elbein for the New Republic

The Process Congress Wants to Use For Child Migrants is a Disaster by Dara Lind for Vox

Arizona Politician Mistakes Bus Full of YMCA Kids For Undocumented Immigrants by Abby Phillip for The Washington Post

Were you once an enthusiastic Obama supporter, canvassing your neighborhood in support of the change we could believe in? Have you refrained from speaking with friends and family who were Republicans or, worse, Hillary Clinton supporters, since 2008 because they so sorely insulted your man Obama by not voting for him? Did you secretly touch yourself to the dulcet tones of both of Obama’s presidential election victory speeches?

Of course you did. Obama is the only shining beacon of progressive hope awash in the seas of partisan conflict. Or is he?

Lately, you may have noticed some chatter about red lines in Syria, the NSA spying on your every move and the every move of our allies abroad, the intimidation of journalists, and, of course, the Healthcare.gov issues and the millions who lost their insurance coverage thanks to the implementation of the Affordable Care Act.

You may even be saying to yourself, “Maybe Great Uncle Larry is right. Maybe Obama IS just a Muslim Communist who was sent by the terr’ists to kill us all with socialism.”

First of all, let’s be honest. Great Uncle Larry is never right. There’s a reason your family moved him from his rifle-filled shack in the woods into that nice nursing home where he met his bridge and life partner, Cammie. Let her take care of his angry, incoherent, political ramblings.

But what about more legitimate sources than Larry? What about the news sources that claim that Obama is dishonest, a liar? As if the man who promised that his 2008 presidential election would usher in an era of bipartisan compromise and unity could possible LIE to the American people!

Still, you’re having your doubts as the evidence mounts against Obama. But, don’t worry! We have some tips to restore your faith in our fearless, charismatic, dashingly handsome leader.

1.)    Blame Republicans. They’re not playing nice and that’s not Obama’s fault. He can’t be expected to lead if Republicans just refuse to follow!

2.)    Blame Congress. Remember that time they shut down our government, taking the whole country hostage to make a political point and didn’t even lose access to their gym? That wasn’t cool.

3.)    Think Hillary 2016. Okay, okay. We know that in 2008 Hillary Clinton was just a shrill woman who wouldn’t know a good pantsuit if it hit her in the face. But since then she was brought into the Obama fold as Secretary of State. And she’s gotten so much cooler! Remember that time she got down with that singer at a diplomatic event in South Africa? Classic post-Obama Hillary!

4.)    Stop reading the news. At this point, more information is bad information. If you need an Obama fix, go back and read some of his old speeches. But DO NOT turn on the news. You’ll only be disappointed.

Follow these four simple tips and soon you’ll be looking at Obama with the same starry-eyed gaze as you did back in 2008. Can we blindly support Obama through the rest of his presidency? Yes, we can!

The year is 2025 AD, almost ten years into Obama’s America, officially known as the United Barackian Socialist Republic. The people are tired, drained, barred from their one true, Christian God by the new constitution, the first of its kind, the beginning of a new political system. Known as soci-liberal-shariacommunism, it joins the finer points of communism, Sharia law, and the social liberalism of a Godless nation.

Every day, the workers shuffle to their cubicles, working, working, working tirelessly for no pay. The money they earn for the government is drained into the free health care system, used by the whores and homosexuals to abort their babies and treat their AIDS. Every female over the age of 12 is forced to take birth control pills and get vaccinated against HPV, all paid for by the government.

What the workers do receive is downloaded directly onto food stamp-style debit cards. Each person is given the same amount, whether they live the carefree life of the unemployed or work the grueling hours of a CEO.  These debit cards can only be used at government stores where condoms are sold alongside strange, new, liberal foods, like quinoa and kale.

To control carbon emissions and cut down on obesity, people are forced to walk everywhere, on sidewalks build next to freeways by government workers. Government sanctions to prevent the spread of obesity have resulted in the closure of all McDonalds and the replacement of Coca-Cola with watered down carrot juice. Meanwhile, the homosexuals run wild, fornicating on playgrounds, while children being educated in the finer points of Islam silently watch. Celebrating Christian holidays is now prohibited, with the exception of a ceremonial Christmas tree burning every December 25^th. During the month of Ramadan, anyone caught eating during the sunlit hours is sent to a re-education camp, half Islamic Madrasa, half Soviet labor camp. Social media feeds are carefully monitored by the NSA and people often disappear for as much as a casual “Thank God!” even when used colloquially.

And perhaps worst of all, there are no guns. No citizen is permitted to own anything more threatening than a carving knife. Weekly gun raids turn up contraband, which are ceremoniously burned. Their owners are sent to re-education camps, too, where they are forced to mop fetuses off the floors of abortion clinics or hand out welfare checks to non-working Americans.

It started out slowly, as these things do. First he came for our assault weapons. He blamed Sandy Hook, of course, said that the lives of our children were just too high a price to pay for basic freedom. This was back in 2013, soon after the Supreme Court blessed gay unions by overturning the Defense of Marriage Act.

He worked quietly after that. All of a sudden, conservative reporters started to die in droves. Accidently. The first was the so-called “car accident” that killed Michael Hastings. He was liberal, but openly critical of the way the Obama administration was secretly spying on citizens. Maybe he had uncovered the whole plan to take over the country before he was murdered. The world will never know. Suicide was a favorite method. Soon there was no one left at Fox News. Then, very slowly, Republican Congressmen began to quietly retire. There was a mid-term election a week in some states. A Democrat always won by over 80% of the vote.

Then others started to disappear. First prominent Republican Party members, but then everyday people. At first there was no connection, but soon we realized: it was anyone who listed their religion as Christian and their political party as conservative on Facebook.  People following the NRA on Twitter or Facebook went missing. So people took that down, but he came for us on OkCupid.  Christian Mingle became the government hit list of dating. Young men and women, ready to meet God’s match for them, soon found themselves crated away in an unmarked van. The only dating sites that remained were Tindr and Grindr, making homosexual fornication even more prevalent.

Political groups opposing him were all denied tax-exempt status. At first it was the Tea Party, then more traditional conservative groups. Then he came after the left, taking down liberal groups who had the courage to question the new state of the union.

Then it happened. Election night 2016. Chris Christie vs. Joe Biden. Christie was the only Republican left with the balls to run against Biden, Obama’s puppet. But a shooting broke out in the Republican National Committee’s headquarters. Hundreds dead. Not a man or woman there had a pistol to defend themselves against the slaughter. Their weapons had been taken away in the Great Purge of 2015.

That was all it took. Obama declared a state of emergency and by February 2017 he was burning the Constitution and recreating our government in his vision of soci-liberal-shariacommunism. He declared himself Sultan for Life and had been ruling ever since.

But that was all about to end. A group of men, good Christian men, who spent their days shuffling off to government-mandated jobs, met every night in the basement of an old, abandoned farmhouse. There they had stocked-piled assault weapons before the first Great Purge. They had effectively been able to avoid detection, since Obama’s liberal thugs thrived in urban environments and avoided the country at all costs.

These men were all that was left to save America. Their name? The Well-Regulated Militia. They were ready to fulfill their Constitutional obligation to take back their nation’s liberty. They fought for their daughters, destined in Obama’s America to live like whores, pumped full of birth control pills and bleeding fetuses out onto to clinic floors at government expense. They fought for their sons, already experimenting with the homosexual lifestyle, damning themselves to eternal hellfire through the embrace of older men.

And they were ready to fight. Ready to use these assault weapons against a tyrannical regime that had stripped them of the Christian nation dreamed of by the Founding Fathers. Sure, Obama had drones and fighter jets and a military grown strong on the government teat long before he even became president back in 2008, he even had nuclear weapons. But these men had God, AR-15s with extended magazines, and a Constitutional right to kick some liberal ass.