The Gabbler received the following letter, along with an explanatory note, via courier on Monday morning. Both were written in Italian. Luckily, friend of The Gabbler Vinny Guadagnino, of Jersey Shore fame, was able to produce a loose translation of both documents. The letter appears to be a copy of an original sent by Pope Benedict XVI to Bishop Leonard Blair of Toledo, Ohio. At the time of the correspondence, Bishop Blair was leading the Vatican’s Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith’s investigation of the Leadership Conference of Women Religious, the largest group of nuns in the United States. Since the time of the letter, the Congregation has concluded its investigation and officially admonished the nuns for investing too much time and resources into health services and poverty issues and too little into the Catholic Church’s fight against abortion and homosexuality.

DISCLAIMER: The Gabbler cannot guarantee that Vinny Guadagnino’s Italian translation is correct, or even that Guadadnino is Italian. (Look, we need a translator, pronto! Capisce?!)

Explanatory Note

Yo guys,

It’s the Pope’s butler! You know, the one who’s going to prison for leaking documents? Well, I’m back with more. You see, I copied a few extra letters while the Pope was busy gazing at his ceremonial robes (he does that a lot) and when all the shit went down with the leaks back in January, I told that Benedict that he hadn’t heard the last of me! And that if he didn’t want to blow the lid off of the Vatican’s whole “we hate women” thing that they have going on (not to mention, a weird clothes obsession), that he should just let us part as friends and try out that whole forgiveness shtick that good old J.C. loved so much. But if he ever changed his mind about that, I let him know that I had some more documents, ready to leak around the world. So if you’re reading this, that means that he’s gone back on his Popely word and something has happened to me. So, sit back, grab a nice glass of red wine, and enjoy a journey into the mind of the Pope. The topic: those feisty American nuns and how to make them respect the symbolic “No Girlz Allowed” sign kept over the entrance to the Vatican’s highest echelons of power.

Peace out,

The Butler

Letter

December 12^th, 2011

Yo! Hey, Bishop Blair!

It’s the Pope! From Rome! I just wanted to check in on our little situation over there, with the nuns. You know, the women folk who want to take over our church completely and destroy everything that Christ ever stood for!

This sitch is serious, Blair. Do you know how hard I had to fight to get to be Pope and have this sweet wardrobe? Do you know how long I waited? They don’t hand over the keys to the Popemobile to just any shmuck off the street. You really have to outsmart hundreds of thousands of other men who have dedicated their lives to this church in the hope of getting their hands on the Popely regalia.

And now we have these “independent” women, flouting the Vatican’s rules. Running around, helping the poor and sick when there are gay dudes everywhere. When any woman can just abort her baby because she’s PMSing that day or however that girl stuff works. The point is, they’re not doing what they’re told and I don’t like it.

You know why, too, don’t you, bro? This isn’t a good sign. If those women rise against us, if they come after the whole ordination deal then they’ll be all over priesthood. And before you know it, we’ll have to fight men and women for the keys to the Popemoblie. Do you know how awful these crimson robes would look against a nun’s ashen skin? And these headdresses weren’t made to accommodate long hair, okay?

So you better get those chicks under control, man. Make up some bullshit about the law of the church respecting them in their proper role as nuns only. Man, that’s perfect, say that. Women love stuff about respect. Just calm them down and then get them back to their jobs: listening to the men in charge of the church and getting a real handle on the whole gays and abortions thing.

The thing is, these women are making real strides in some places with the whole helping out the poor and sick thing. And I get it, okay, I’m the Pope, I know all about that whole “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth” Matthew 5:5 thing. But you know that can’t happen, right? Because the poor are the backbone of the Church. They’re the only ones hopeless enough to grasp onto every word that we say, including that whole no contraception thing. They’re the only ones stupid enough to keep producing babies for the Church, no questions asked. And they give a much higher percentage of their income to the collection plate than those stingy upper class Catholics.

Plus, they’re so helpless we can justify interfering in their daily lives no problem. Just think about it, Blair. Picture the New Testament without the helpless and the poor and the sick. Without those people to justify His good works, Jesus is just some dude running around telling everybody else what to do and what to believe. And no one wants to be that guy. Without the poor and the sick we’ve got nothing, just some whining about the gays and abortions and condoms. We’d be ruined.

Listen, man, there are great things coming to you out there in Toledo, Ohio if you can just get this done and I can stop worrying and go back to organizing my robes in rainbow order. I’m talking money, promotions, prestige. You name it. I know it can’t be all that fun being bishop in a little backwater like Toledo, even with the glory of Rome behind you, but I can help make it big. I’ll even throw in some saint’s body parts if you get it done with minimal media coverage.

Just get it done, Blair. And soon.

Peace Out,

The Pope

The Gabbler: (Crosses herself) In the name of the father and the son and the Holy Spirit, it’s an honor to meet you. (Bows)

Nun on the Bus: I’m pretty sure that’s not at all necessary, sweetheart. In fact, it’s actually pretty offensive. Did you just Google Catholic stereotypes before I got here and go with the first thing that popped up on the screen?

G: No, or I would be asking you about why your priests like little boys so much. Zing! Anyway, I do apologize. I’m not exactly Catholic…or Christian…or anything. But I’ve heard about this Jesus guy. He seems pretty cool.

N: Don’t you think the pedophile jokes are a little overdone?

G: Sorry. But tell me more about this Jesus dude. On a scale of one to 10, one being Battlestar Galactica and 10 being Skrillex, how cool was Jesus?

N: If Skrillex is a 10, then Jesus is at least a 100, if not more. Jesus was the coolest. You know that He’s basically responsible for the moral philosophy of the whole western world, right? And that’s why we’re fighting so hard for our government to live up to their promise to do their work in His name.

G: Wait, our government works in Jesus’s name? Don’t we have separation of church and state and all that good stuff?

N: Are you really that stupid? If you don’t think the underlying morals of a country, based on their strong belief in Jesus’s teachings, informs their political decisions, you’re an idiot. But currently, we’re failing to live up to Jesus’s teachings. We’re failing miserably.

G: Really? Because you know, even if there’s separation of church and state and all, I always thought we were doing so well Jesus-approval wise! Creationism is taught in public schools, gay marriage can’t be nationally legalized, abortion rights are dwindling. What more could God want?

N: Okay, so to answer my earlier question, you really are that stupid. I mean, sure, heterosexual marriage is great. Not my cup of tea and all, but I’m sure it’s great. And abortion is pretty awful. As for Creationism, seriously? Why is it so hard for science and religion to live side by side? God created the universe and gave it order and that order is science. Every scientific discovery, including evolution, is just another example of God’s greatness at work.

G: I don’t know if it’s quite fair to call me stupid just because I don’t know about your God and stuff. I know a lot about other stuff, like the Real Housewives franchise and the Kardashians. But, ok, moving on, tell me about the Nuns on the Bus. You’re lobbying against Paul Ryan’s proposed 2013 budget. What’s wrong with it?

N: Other than the fact that it cuts taxes for the wealthiest Americans while simultaneously upping the tax burden for lower class families and cutting necessary social welfare spending? Or the fact that its provisions will push two million children into poverty? Or that it does nothing to curb ridiculous defense spending?

G: Well those things certainly don’t sound good…

N: –No, they’re not good. They’re selfishness masquerading as fiscal responsibility and it’s disgusting. I can’t believe that fucking douche bag Paul Ryan has the nerve to call himself a Catholic. Shit! (Looks upward) Sorry Lord for the swearing. I’ll put another dollar in the swear jar when I get back to the bus, I promise.

G: God doesn’t like swearing? Well I’m definitely going to h-e double hockey sticks, then. But back to the topic at hand: it seems to me that you’re saying that Representative Paul Ryan’s budget isn’t compatible with his Catholic belief structure.

N: That’s exactly what I’m saying. I mean, take the basic fact that the budget is calling for a repeal of the Affordable Care Act. Or that it’s privatizing Medicare, which will make healthcare costs for seniors go sky high. Do you really think that Jesus would be for a for profit system of healthcare? I mean, this was a man who went around curing lepers out of the compassion of his heart, free of charge. He clearly believed that even the most humble man deserves access to curative medicine.

G: Really? I’m really liking the sound of this Jesus character. He seems pretty legit. But Republicans seem pretty set on abolishing the Affordable Care Act. Why do you think they’ll listen to you?

N:  Well all these Republicans claim to be doing God’s work, governing with God’s message in mind. Well, here we are, God’s servants on earth, telling you that you’re doing a shitty job. My sincerest apologies, Heavenly Father. Just more money for the swear jar. But we draw legitimacy from being nuns. If they want to hold true to their claims that they believe in a Christian, Godly America, they can’t just go on Fox News and bash us. We’re NUNS. That would be the height of hypocrisy.

G: Genius! So tell me about life on the Bus. Is spending that much time in close quarters with that many women difficult? Because I know for me, you know, I lived in my sorority house in college and sometimes I just needed to GET out…

N: –Well, you know that I normally live in a convent with these women, right? That’s kind of part of the deal. But it’s nice, because at least if I get some ketchup on my wimple there are plenty of extras to go around.

G: Really? You guys still wear wimples?

N: Wow, you really are a fucking idiot, aren’t you? Sorry, Lord! Another dollar for the swear jar, I promise. But I’m sitting in front of you in a cardigan and a skirt. Clearly we don’t wear wimples anymore or I would have one on.

G: Oh, well I just thought it was your smart interview and lobbying gear. But, wait. You live together with all women all the time? For your entire lifetime? That must take some kind of super power.

N: It could be worse. Have you ever seen a man’s bathroom? Gross. Thank God we don’t have to live with them. Plus, we all do our part to help out, according to your abilities, and we’re all provided for.

G: Wait what? Did you just basically say “from each according to her ability, to each according to her needs” except in nun-speak?

N: I mean, that’s not actually a bad paraphrase of what I said, but we’re not Marxists. Nuns have been living a communal lifestyle for centuries, millennia, even.

G: OH MY GOD YOU’RE A BUNCH OF COMMIES.

N: Well that’s a fucking exaggeration. Sorry, Lord, but seriously? That word was made for times like these.

G: Excuse me, did you not just say that you live in a “communal structure?” And before that, didn’t you basically paraphrase the central tenant of Marxism to describe life in the convent? And you think that you have legitimacy with the right wing media because of some Jesus dude? THEY ARE GOING TO CRUSH YOU.

N: If they’re as religious as they claim to be, they have no basis…

G: –I’m sorry, not to be impolite or anything, your excellency, but I think I need to end this interview now. I mean, if Fox News hears that The Gabbler has been speaking with an openly communist nun, they’re going to brand us as part of the liberal media and we can’t handle that level of negative publicity right now. In the name of the father and the son and the Holy Spirit, Amen, and please leave immediately, but make sure no one sees you. (Bows)