Former FBI director and famed snooper J. Edgar Hoover arose from his grave at the Congressional Cemetery in Washington, D.C. late yesterday morning, according to multiple eyewitnesses.  Scientists have confirmed that this is the first instance of a human or other animal species coming back from the dead.

Footage of Hoover pushing out of the ground with his fist shows him nearly toppling over his gravestone in as he pulls himself out of the ground.

While alive from 1924 to 1972, Hoover paved the way for the American government to start spying on its own people. He worked tirelessly on the development of professionalizing law enforcement, forensic assistance, domestic counterintelligence and counterespionage.

“It was quite a sight,” said Blythson in a phone interview later that day. “I was pretty shaken up, what with seeing a zombie and all. But he didn’t want to kill me and eat my face, as I’d originally thought. He just kept yelling about digital image harvesting.”

Lately, the Federal government has sought to assure Americans that its intelligence and spy agencies have strong congressional oversight. However, a recent incident involving the C.I.A. allegedly impeding, intimidating, and even hacking the committee responsible for holding it accountable, suggests that the C.I.A. is also overseeing Congress.

Protesters in Kiev, Ukraine recently received an ominous text message based on their proximity to the ongoing demonstrations in the center of the city. It’s easy to feel like technology is helping citizens organize and protest against the government until you receive a targeted text message reminding you that the government is watching your every move. While this cartoon is inspired by the events in Ukraine,  it can be applied much more generally to protest and dissent in any country, as mass surveillance technologies like facial recognition continue to develop and become ubiquitous.

An estimated eight million Americans have been diagnosed with Post Snowden Anxiety Disorder since Edward Snowden first leaked to the press the existence of the National Security Agency’s surveillance programs, which log Americans’ phone and internet activity, ostensibly for the purpose of national security.

Post Snowden Anxiety Disorder, or PSAD, is characterized by extreme anxiety, paranoia, and a sudden flight from civilization, which makes the disorder especially hard to treat. Many sufferers can be found living in tents in the woods, although quite a few have unsuccessfully attempted to join the Amish. Nationally, the most popular destination has been the country’s surviving Native American reservations.

“Generally, sufferers of PSAD who move to a reservation go through two phases, one of idealistic elation at having evaded the United States government by moving out of their jurisdiction followed very quickly by a feeling of complete terror once they realize that the dispirited Native American population has been the victim of the most extreme and fatal forms of American government overreach,” said Dr. Stanley Johnson, a PSAD expert.

Very few people with PSAD have been successfully reintegrated into society, although a few have returned for brief periods. Generally, a sufferer will return for about one or two days, making contact with friends and families and even seeking treatment, before another major news story about government overreach comes out. Many of Dr. Johnson’s patients have come in to be treated for a day or two only to flee back into the woods.

“I was treating a young man just this week. He was progressing very well and was even able to read Al Jazeera online without having a panic attack. Unfortunately, while he was browsing through the news, he found a story on Reuters about how federal agents and law enforcement officials are secretly using NSA intercepts to initiate investigations, and creating phony investigations-called ‘parallel construction-to cover it up and make it valid in court. He’s been missing ever since.”

While some in the camping supplies industry have welcomed PSAD as a “way for every anxious American to begin their next camping adventure,” according to CampersRUs, many family and friends are devastated by the sudden loss of their loved ones. Others defend the actions of PSAD sufferers, declaring them to be the only sane Americans.

“I believe they need treatment, yes,” Dr. Johnson explained, “but do I understand why they’re so terrified? Of course. There’s so many programs and will you just listen to the names! Echelon, PRISM, X-Keyscore, Tempora, Stella Wind? The NSA collecting our browsing history and emails? Michael Hastings’ mysterious death while he was working on an investigative report on the FBI? A family investigated by a joint terrorist task force for searching for pressure cookers and backpacks on the same computer? A secret sub sect of the DEA tapping our phones and covering up their investigations? Sometimes I feel like they’re the only sane ones left.”

Since his interview yesterday, Dr. Johnson has been missing, although several campers have reported a man of his description hiking along the Appalachian Trail.

The year is 2025 AD, almost ten years into Obama’s America, officially known as the United Barackian Socialist Republic. The people are tired, drained, barred from their one true, Christian God by the new constitution, the first of its kind, the beginning of a new political system. Known as soci-liberal-shariacommunism, it joins the finer points of communism, Sharia law, and the social liberalism of a Godless nation.

Every day, the workers shuffle to their cubicles, working, working, working tirelessly for no pay. The money they earn for the government is drained into the free health care system, used by the whores and homosexuals to abort their babies and treat their AIDS. Every female over the age of 12 is forced to take birth control pills and get vaccinated against HPV, all paid for by the government.

What the workers do receive is downloaded directly onto food stamp-style debit cards. Each person is given the same amount, whether they live the carefree life of the unemployed or work the grueling hours of a CEO.  These debit cards can only be used at government stores where condoms are sold alongside strange, new, liberal foods, like quinoa and kale.

To control carbon emissions and cut down on obesity, people are forced to walk everywhere, on sidewalks build next to freeways by government workers. Government sanctions to prevent the spread of obesity have resulted in the closure of all McDonalds and the replacement of Coca-Cola with watered down carrot juice. Meanwhile, the homosexuals run wild, fornicating on playgrounds, while children being educated in the finer points of Islam silently watch. Celebrating Christian holidays is now prohibited, with the exception of a ceremonial Christmas tree burning every December 25^th. During the month of Ramadan, anyone caught eating during the sunlit hours is sent to a re-education camp, half Islamic Madrasa, half Soviet labor camp. Social media feeds are carefully monitored by the NSA and people often disappear for as much as a casual “Thank God!” even when used colloquially.

And perhaps worst of all, there are no guns. No citizen is permitted to own anything more threatening than a carving knife. Weekly gun raids turn up contraband, which are ceremoniously burned. Their owners are sent to re-education camps, too, where they are forced to mop fetuses off the floors of abortion clinics or hand out welfare checks to non-working Americans.

It started out slowly, as these things do. First he came for our assault weapons. He blamed Sandy Hook, of course, said that the lives of our children were just too high a price to pay for basic freedom. This was back in 2013, soon after the Supreme Court blessed gay unions by overturning the Defense of Marriage Act.

He worked quietly after that. All of a sudden, conservative reporters started to die in droves. Accidently. The first was the so-called “car accident” that killed Michael Hastings. He was liberal, but openly critical of the way the Obama administration was secretly spying on citizens. Maybe he had uncovered the whole plan to take over the country before he was murdered. The world will never know. Suicide was a favorite method. Soon there was no one left at Fox News. Then, very slowly, Republican Congressmen began to quietly retire. There was a mid-term election a week in some states. A Democrat always won by over 80% of the vote.

Then others started to disappear. First prominent Republican Party members, but then everyday people. At first there was no connection, but soon we realized: it was anyone who listed their religion as Christian and their political party as conservative on Facebook.  People following the NRA on Twitter or Facebook went missing. So people took that down, but he came for us on OkCupid.  Christian Mingle became the government hit list of dating. Young men and women, ready to meet God’s match for them, soon found themselves crated away in an unmarked van. The only dating sites that remained were Tindr and Grindr, making homosexual fornication even more prevalent.

Political groups opposing him were all denied tax-exempt status. At first it was the Tea Party, then more traditional conservative groups. Then he came after the left, taking down liberal groups who had the courage to question the new state of the union.

Then it happened. Election night 2016. Chris Christie vs. Joe Biden. Christie was the only Republican left with the balls to run against Biden, Obama’s puppet. But a shooting broke out in the Republican National Committee’s headquarters. Hundreds dead. Not a man or woman there had a pistol to defend themselves against the slaughter. Their weapons had been taken away in the Great Purge of 2015.

That was all it took. Obama declared a state of emergency and by February 2017 he was burning the Constitution and recreating our government in his vision of soci-liberal-shariacommunism. He declared himself Sultan for Life and had been ruling ever since.

But that was all about to end. A group of men, good Christian men, who spent their days shuffling off to government-mandated jobs, met every night in the basement of an old, abandoned farmhouse. There they had stocked-piled assault weapons before the first Great Purge. They had effectively been able to avoid detection, since Obama’s liberal thugs thrived in urban environments and avoided the country at all costs.

These men were all that was left to save America. Their name? The Well-Regulated Militia. They were ready to fulfill their Constitutional obligation to take back their nation’s liberty. They fought for their daughters, destined in Obama’s America to live like whores, pumped full of birth control pills and bleeding fetuses out onto to clinic floors at government expense. They fought for their sons, already experimenting with the homosexual lifestyle, damning themselves to eternal hellfire through the embrace of older men.

And they were ready to fight. Ready to use these assault weapons against a tyrannical regime that had stripped them of the Christian nation dreamed of by the Founding Fathers. Sure, Obama had drones and fighter jets and a military grown strong on the government teat long before he even became president back in 2008, he even had nuclear weapons. But these men had God, AR-15s with extended magazines, and a Constitutional right to kick some liberal ass.