The National Rifle Association’s opposition to the regulation of firearms isn’t only guided by the staunch position to protect the “constitutional rights” of gun owners. The NRA has received tens of millions of dollars from the firearms industry since 2005, which it in turn has lobbied against even the most common-sense gun laws. GOP pollster Frank Luntz found that 74 percent of NRA members and 87 percent of non-NRA gun owners support criminal background checks to qualify for purchasing a gun, yet the NRA continues to lobby against mandatory federal background checks, suggesting it has more than just its constituents’ interests in mind. The NRA has also been using campaign donations and lobbying to promote state legislation, such as Florida’s 2005 “shoot first” Stand Your Ground Law, which has now been adopted by half of the country.  All of this contributes to a legal environment where both ownership and the size of the firearms economy are as widespread and large-scale as possible, and the ability to use deadly force is given to any citizen who purchases a gun.

Post updated 24 Feb 2014

POINT:

Guns Are Puny Little Girl Toys

You know everyone’s going on about guns, like they’re so dangerous, right? Like they’re this BIG bad thing that needs to be banned or else we’ll all get iced. Iced,  dusted, you know. Tangoed down, sent to the farm, smoked, swimming with the fishes, whacked, gang banged. What? Ganged banged doesn’t mean shot? Okay, not that one then.

But guns, guns are for puuu—puny little girls. Yup, that’s right, I said it. Puny. Little. Girls. I mean, they even come in pink! What? Well, yeah, I know cars come in pink, too, but that’s different. Cars are badah—bad at being good. We’re just straight bad. Cold as ice.

So, yeah, this whole gun thing, means nothing. You want danger, you want REAL danger? You want to be an OG? Well ditch those puny little girl guns and get in a car. Get in a car, head for the highway, and start texting. You will be mad deadly.

Sure, the haters will say “oh, cars weren’t made for the sole purpose of killing another living thing.” Yeah, gangsta, but we’re mad good at it. We’re like giant death traps cruising at 70 in 65. We don’t care.

Plus, guns ain’t got shi—shiny coats of paint like cars. We’re just shiny, metal death on wheels. Giant shiny metal death on wheels. Have you seen guns? They’re fu—funnily tiny. Like crazy tiny, yo! And have you seen bullets? How are bullets even supposed to kill you? What? Because they’re going at such a fast velocity they just tear through your body like its soft butter? How about the velocity of my steering column through your chest!

And if you still don’t think cars are dangerous, man, just go ask a polar bear. But be fast about it, because global warming is straight up melting their habitat and soon they’ll have nowhere to live. That’s right, we don’t just kill people, we straight up kill the environment.

Don’t be fooled by all of our safety features, either, or that car registration is way more strict than gun registration. Or that you can’t just waltz into a school with a car and start mowing people down. Because guess what, bro? We could take down those school walls if we wanted to. Brick ain’t got nothing on a 1995 Camry. What? No, I don’t think I would just smash up my engine and make a bunch of noise. I’m deadly, man!

So if you want to save American lives, really get the OGs off the streets, stop the mindless slaughter, you’ve gotta come after the real gangsters: the cars. But first, you’ve gotta catch us.

COUNTERPOINT

Cars are Death Traps: I’m Just Here to Shoot the Shit!

I personally feel really victimized by this whole “gun control” thing. What are they trying to control me for? I’m just a lone hunting rifle, just a simple Long Action Centerfire with a 22” barrel. I’m practically the Joe Six-Pack of guns, and I’m just trying to live my life out in the wilderness, with nothing but the tall trees and dead animals I’ve killed, stuffed, and hung on my wall to keep me company. Of course a car is more dangerous than little ole me!

Did you know that 89 people die from car accidents every day in the US? That’s THREE more people on average that die from cars than from being shot by a gun! I mean, clearly we’re on a totally different level here. There’s no comparison. Cars are death traps, and I’m just a mere toy.

What I’d like to do is to take a minute here and say that this travesty of lives lost far too early is due to the fact that we’ve got a ridiculous system for letting people have access to cars: a gosh darn 16-year-old kid can get a license – and in some states in the Midwest, you can get your license at as young as 14! So these totally reckless, young, hormonal wackos are tearing through town with their loud music and their text messaging, and next thing you know, people are getting killed!

Me meanwhile, I’m just a toy, an accessory. I just want to be held, cleaned, stroked. I just want to be taken outside on a crisp fall day with nothing but blue sky, aimed straight at the sun. I just want to fly full speed at a duck’s heart, ripping its insides apart in mid-air as I make contact. I just want to fall slowly back to the earth, covered in sticky hot blood.

Like I said, I’m a simple gun. I’m not one of those fancy automatic assault rifles, or easy-to-conceal-in-your-pants handguns. I don’t want to actually kill anybody (but I definitely could if I wanted to.) My point is, anything can kill people. You can bash someone over the head with a rock, you can poison them with arsenic, you can strangle them with a pashmina, and you can definitely run them over with your car. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people – I just make for a cleaner, quicker, faster, and easier way to do so.

BALLPOINT

POINT written by Jessica Pierce and COUNTERPOINT written by Lisa DeBenedictis  

The year is 2025 AD, almost ten years into Obama’s America, officially known as the United Barackian Socialist Republic. The people are tired, drained, barred from their one true, Christian God by the new constitution, the first of its kind, the beginning of a new political system. Known as soci-liberal-shariacommunism, it joins the finer points of communism, Sharia law, and the social liberalism of a Godless nation.

Every day, the workers shuffle to their cubicles, working, working, working tirelessly for no pay. The money they earn for the government is drained into the free health care system, used by the whores and homosexuals to abort their babies and treat their AIDS. Every female over the age of 12 is forced to take birth control pills and get vaccinated against HPV, all paid for by the government.

What the workers do receive is downloaded directly onto food stamp-style debit cards. Each person is given the same amount, whether they live the carefree life of the unemployed or work the grueling hours of a CEO.  These debit cards can only be used at government stores where condoms are sold alongside strange, new, liberal foods, like quinoa and kale.

To control carbon emissions and cut down on obesity, people are forced to walk everywhere, on sidewalks build next to freeways by government workers. Government sanctions to prevent the spread of obesity have resulted in the closure of all McDonalds and the replacement of Coca-Cola with watered down carrot juice. Meanwhile, the homosexuals run wild, fornicating on playgrounds, while children being educated in the finer points of Islam silently watch. Celebrating Christian holidays is now prohibited, with the exception of a ceremonial Christmas tree burning every December 25^th. During the month of Ramadan, anyone caught eating during the sunlit hours is sent to a re-education camp, half Islamic Madrasa, half Soviet labor camp. Social media feeds are carefully monitored by the NSA and people often disappear for as much as a casual “Thank God!” even when used colloquially.

And perhaps worst of all, there are no guns. No citizen is permitted to own anything more threatening than a carving knife. Weekly gun raids turn up contraband, which are ceremoniously burned. Their owners are sent to re-education camps, too, where they are forced to mop fetuses off the floors of abortion clinics or hand out welfare checks to non-working Americans.

It started out slowly, as these things do. First he came for our assault weapons. He blamed Sandy Hook, of course, said that the lives of our children were just too high a price to pay for basic freedom. This was back in 2013, soon after the Supreme Court blessed gay unions by overturning the Defense of Marriage Act.

He worked quietly after that. All of a sudden, conservative reporters started to die in droves. Accidently. The first was the so-called “car accident” that killed Michael Hastings. He was liberal, but openly critical of the way the Obama administration was secretly spying on citizens. Maybe he had uncovered the whole plan to take over the country before he was murdered. The world will never know. Suicide was a favorite method. Soon there was no one left at Fox News. Then, very slowly, Republican Congressmen began to quietly retire. There was a mid-term election a week in some states. A Democrat always won by over 80% of the vote.

Then others started to disappear. First prominent Republican Party members, but then everyday people. At first there was no connection, but soon we realized: it was anyone who listed their religion as Christian and their political party as conservative on Facebook.  People following the NRA on Twitter or Facebook went missing. So people took that down, but he came for us on OkCupid.  Christian Mingle became the government hit list of dating. Young men and women, ready to meet God’s match for them, soon found themselves crated away in an unmarked van. The only dating sites that remained were Tindr and Grindr, making homosexual fornication even more prevalent.

Political groups opposing him were all denied tax-exempt status. At first it was the Tea Party, then more traditional conservative groups. Then he came after the left, taking down liberal groups who had the courage to question the new state of the union.

Then it happened. Election night 2016. Chris Christie vs. Joe Biden. Christie was the only Republican left with the balls to run against Biden, Obama’s puppet. But a shooting broke out in the Republican National Committee’s headquarters. Hundreds dead. Not a man or woman there had a pistol to defend themselves against the slaughter. Their weapons had been taken away in the Great Purge of 2015.

That was all it took. Obama declared a state of emergency and by February 2017 he was burning the Constitution and recreating our government in his vision of soci-liberal-shariacommunism. He declared himself Sultan for Life and had been ruling ever since.

But that was all about to end. A group of men, good Christian men, who spent their days shuffling off to government-mandated jobs, met every night in the basement of an old, abandoned farmhouse. There they had stocked-piled assault weapons before the first Great Purge. They had effectively been able to avoid detection, since Obama’s liberal thugs thrived in urban environments and avoided the country at all costs.

These men were all that was left to save America. Their name? The Well-Regulated Militia. They were ready to fulfill their Constitutional obligation to take back their nation’s liberty. They fought for their daughters, destined in Obama’s America to live like whores, pumped full of birth control pills and bleeding fetuses out onto to clinic floors at government expense. They fought for their sons, already experimenting with the homosexual lifestyle, damning themselves to eternal hellfire through the embrace of older men.

And they were ready to fight. Ready to use these assault weapons against a tyrannical regime that had stripped them of the Christian nation dreamed of by the Founding Fathers. Sure, Obama had drones and fighter jets and a military grown strong on the government teat long before he even became president back in 2008, he even had nuclear weapons. But these men had God, AR-15s with extended magazines, and a Constitutional right to kick some liberal ass.

In the wake of the horrific tragedy of the school shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School last Friday, the National Rifle Association (NRA) was scheduled to finally release a statement on Tuesday. Unfortunately, at the press conference, the spokesman for the NRA was unable to actually speak.

According to Gabbler correspondents present, the spokesman for the NRA stood at the podium for over 11 minutes before actually talking.

Witnesses nearest to the podium say that the official spent a great deal of those minutes shuffling papers, adjusting his tie, and clearing his throat.

When he did finally speak, his words were garbled and barely audible.

“I–uh. We–uh, we–don’t really know…” the official said, repeatedly wiping his sweating forehead.

“It appears that sitting front-row center can prove detrimental in situations such as these,” said Senator Diane Feinstein (D-CA), grinning happily.