As Hurricane Sandy hit the East Coast on Monday, and President Obama repeatedly announced his break from campaigning to track the storm’s damages, Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney also worked tirelessly to raise money for hurricane victims.

“I appreciate your generosity. It’s part of the American spirit, the American way, to give to people that are in need,” Romney said to the crowd at a fundraising event in Dayton, Ohio.

Meanwhile, his wife, Ann Romney, also made an effort to discuss hurricane preparedness with Americans. Mrs. Romney released the family’s own Hurricane Preparedness List to the Gabbler, in the hopes that all Americans potentially facing the storm can use the list as a model for their own preparedness lists, and will be sufficiently prepared for anything.

“We keep this pinned to the fridge, no matter what. It’s keeping track of the necessities that will keep you safe and secure in unsure times such as these,” said Romney.

The following advertisement was found in the recycling bin of the Oval Office early this morning. It appears that during Monday night’s debate, when Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney called President Obama’s visits to the Middle East immediately following his 2008 appointment to office an “apology tour” and Obama fired back a denial of that criticism immediately, millions of Americans began requesting an apology tour of their own from both candidates for their appalling behavior in recent months. Seeing an opportunity, both camps met briefly and even put together a short advertisement in the form of a flyer, hoping that the 2012 Election Apology Tour would boost each side’s image and integrity in the polls, particularly in swing states. Indeed, an apology tour may be in order; while CNN reported that about 48 percent of Americans believe that Obama won Monday’s debate and 40 percent believe Romney to be the winner, a whopping 95 percent believe that both of them have “acted like total assholes throughout this entire election.” White it appears that the Apology Tour won’t come to fruition, the original flyer is below.

US APOLOGY TOUR 2012

PRESENTS

BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA

AND

WILLARD MITT ROMNEY

70th Governor of Massachusetts, Co-Founder of Bain Capital, Bishop At Large

“Now this I gotta see, folks!” - Sarah Palin

“They better be giving us free tickets.” – The 47 Percent

“Mitt’s singing voice ain’t half bad!” – Stephen Colbert

US APOLOGY TOUR 2012 features artists such as:

Buckcherry performing “Sorry”

Chicago performing “Hard to Say I’m Sorry”

 Sir Elton John performing “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word”

and Big Bird performing “The Alphabet Song”

“America, I’m here to say I’m sorry for letting you down the first time around. I didn’t appreciate you the way I should have. Come on US, just give me a second chance.” – President Barack Obama

“My dear America, it takes a real man to apologize. And I am a real man. Besides, I didn’t mean that stuff I said. You know I didn’t mean any of it.” – Former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney

Tour Dates:

October 24, 2012 – New Hampshire

October 25, 2012 – Virginia

October 26, 2012- Ohio

October 27, 2012- Florida

October 29, 2012 – Wisconsin

October 30, 2012 - Iowa

October 31, 2012 - Colorado

November 1, 2012 - Nevada

(All other tours in remaining US states are subject to time constraints and electoral polls at this time.)

Just a few hours before presidential candidates took the stage in Long Island at Hofstra University for the second of three debates, President Barack Obama and his opponent, former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney, agreed to meet with The Gabbler for a quick pre-debate to warm up before the night commenced. 

The Gabbler: Thank you so much for quickly stopping in here, President Obama and Governor Romney. We know you have a kind of important debate to get to later this evening.

Mitt Romney: Thank you so, so, so very much for having us here, Lisa. It is Lisa, right? Lee-sah? Am I pronouncing that correctly? It is truly a pleasure to be here, Lisa. I’m thrilled and honored, Lisa. Let me just thank you again–

Barack Obama: –Now hold on, here! I want to talk, too. Liza, I’m honored to be here, too, and all that, but Mr. Romney here is just saying that he’s honored to be here, when in fact, he’s not! He’s just saying that stuff now because the—

MR: –Excuse me!

BO: –And he said all this stuff at The Republican Convention and now he’s just saying all the opposite and last time I checked it wasn’t Opposite Day—

MR: –Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.  Excuse me. Now, you can have your turn when I finish speaking, Mr. President. Lisa, thank you so much again for this. And did I mention that that shade of forest green really brings out the color of your eyes?

G: Um, okay. Let’s get started. We’ll address the first question to you, Mr. Romney. What is your position on contraception?

MR: Thank you so much for asking this question! I’m so excited, and honored, and blessed, really, to be here, answering all your questions like this. That reminds of this great story about my father teaching me how to ride a bike. That’s what America is all about, really. You know? Gosh. Excellent question—

 BO: –I’ll tell you my position on contraception, but first, let me tell you exactly what Mitt Romney believes. When Mitt Romney made those controversial comments about Planned Parenthood last–

 G: Actually, President Obama, I hadn’t asked you yet, because it isn’t your turn! Now what does any of this have to do with contraception, Mr. Romney?

MR: Great question, yet again.

 BO: I’ll tell you Mr. Romney’s position!

G: Can you tell me your own position first?

BO: Nope. But I can tell you his!

 G: Well, I have learned absolutely squat about either of your stances on contraception thus far. Let’s try another question. This time to you first, Mr. Obama. Can you spell out your plan – explicitly, and in a step-by-step manner – for reducing the country’s deficit?

BO: Did I mention that Bin Laden is dead yet?

G: What does that —

BO: Well, it wasn’t easy. But I did it.

G: Is that your response?

BO: For now Liza, yes. If I think of anything, I’ll just loudly interject.

G: That’s not how this works. You will wait until your next turn. Mr. Romney?

MR: Thank you, Lisa! Thanks so very much for this! Thanks a million! I mean, I’ll tell you Lisa, your hospitality has just been WONDERFUL. To get back on topic, the recipe for Irish Brown Bread is—

BO: –No fair! He can’t just say that! I was going to tell everyone the recipe for Irish Brown Bread.

G: President Obama, you had your turn. And more importantly, what does a recipe have to do with running a country? Lets try another question. Governor Romney, what is your stance on gun control?

MR: Great question, Lisa! Excellent question, Lisa! Thanks so much for asking! Can I call you Lis?

G: No. I need an answer–

BO: FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO—

G: Mr. President, so help me God, if you interrupt me again, I’m going to lose it.

MR: You are absolutely right, Lisa. He doesn’t appreciate your questions the way that I do, Lisa. Thank you so, very much for saying that. My heart goes out to you. It really does. It bleeds for you, Lisa.

 G: Oh, shut up, will you?

MR: Thank you for being so candid, Lisa! How rare that is—

BO: A NEW NATION, CONCEIVED IN LIBERTY AND DEDICATED TO THE PROPOSITION–

G: STOP IT! TELL ME WHAT YOUR PLAN IS FOR GUN CONTROL. OR HEALTHCARE? THE ECONOMY? THE DEFICIT? EDUCATION? TELL ME ONE FUCKING THING THAT MATTERS IN THIS ELECTION!

MR: Lisa, may I just say that you are compellingly attractive when you’re angry–

BO: –I can tell you my positions. But not at this moment, because I’m going to tell you what Mr. Romney believes about each of those things.

G: But what about what YOU believe, Mr. Obama? You’ve been our president for four years, and so many Americans still feel like they still know next to nothing about you.

BO: I can tell you that I’m reading J.K. Rowling’s new book! It’s not very good, unfortunately. Not enough Quidditch.

G: OKAY, ENOUGH. Forget it. I can’t listen to any more of this. Here’s hoping that the two of you actually say something of substance at the official debates later this evening. Goodnight, America, and I have to tell you, good luck.

With the first presidential debate slated for Wednesday, October 3rd, President Barack Obama and his opponent, former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney, have been preparing extensively.

Many political analysts and Democratic party members insist that for President Obama, these debates are his best opportunity to reintroduce the passion, vigor and idealistic visions that earned him his seat in the White House in 2008.

Coca Coûteux (koʊkə ku’tø): Due to recent taxations, this luxury, sugary, carbonated beverage commonly is served chilled with a straw and sipped by the one percent. “Darling, would you like some caviar with your coca coûteux?”

MRLCFA (ɛmɑrɛlsiɛfeɪ): an acronym for “Muslim Rage Level Cry for Attention.” Used to describe a cry for attention that is almost pathetic in its excessiveness. Amanda Bynes crashed her car AGAIN? That’s like an MRLCFA, man. Origin: From Newsweek’s pitiful attempt to up readership by emblazoning a cover with the words “MUSLIM RAGE.”

Thank you! I’m sure it’s a great honor for you to have me here at the 2012 Republican National Convention!

I want to start by saying a quick you’re welcome to Governor Romney for never officially entering the race. Because we all know that Romney wouldn’t have stood a chance in the primary if he were up against The Donald.

But seriously, how great would it be if we were living in the United States of Trump? It would certainly be better than living in Obama’s Socialized Europe. President Barack Hussein Obama, worst president in American history and those libs are out there, thinking of electing him again! He hasn’t even really proven that he was born here, has he? I know he came up with a long form birth certificate, thanks to yours truly, but you can get those on any Newark street corner. And Obama certainly fits in inner city Newark.

But you know who was born in this great country, the greatest country in the world? One Mr. Donald Trump, the greatest man in the world. I could even be the greatest president in history. You know why I would be such an excellent president? My decades of private sector experience.

You see, unlike our beloved President, I actually know how to run a business. I know how to get this economy going. I know what big business needs from the government to turn the maximum profit.  And, unlike Obama, I would give businesses what they needed, because if the government doesn’t answer to the American businessman than who does he answer to?

I also have experience running a business at a deficit, so I could clearly run our country and clear our huge national debt. I don’t even know how many projects I’ve run into bankruptcy, but it’s quite a few. And I still have $3 billion! What does Obama do with our huge national debt? He pumps more Chinese dollars into the Affordable Care Act. Do you know what The Donald would do with that debt? I would build with it. Build an America with low taxes, no entitlement spending, and the biggest fucking military in the world. All to great personal profit. Because that’s what I do.

If you were lucky enough to elect me president, here’s how I would run the United States of Trump. It’s simple: like a business. Because, after all, isn’t government the greatest business of all?

So, your first step in any business is to identify your demographic. Do I wish that everyone in the whole world lived in a Trump owned building? Of course! Then I would have $3 trillion instead of $3 billion. But that’s just not realistic. You can’t serve everyone. So, instead, you’ve got to pick and choose who’s your targeted customer. I, clearly, go for the wealthy and powerful. I mean, come on, have you seen Trump Tower?

So we have our demographic: the rich and powerful. What’s next, Donald? Well, that’s simple: we provide them with the services they need at the lowest possible cost. In fact, since it’s the government, I don’t even need to worry about turning a profit and adding to my billions, so the cost will be pretty low.

As an example, let me outline how the United States of Trump would deal with the three “E’s” and the big “FP.” That’s economy, environment, entitlements and foreign policy, to those of you who can’t keep up with The Donald.

The economy, that’s easy. That’s what I do. You’ve got to treat it like an ex-wife. Let that crazy bitch run free and she’ll make something of herself if she really wants to. And, since this is government and not for profit, maybe lower some taxes for rich people. They’ve worked hard! They just want that extra million for a yacht. And, again, these people, these wealthy people, are my demographic, my customer base. The more money I free up for them in taxes, the more money they have to fund my next campaign. Just think of it as an investment. As for actually funding the government, well, that’s what the middle class is for. Am I right?

The environment, even easier. If it wants to survive then it can become part of the free market system, like everyone else. Listen up, polar bears, don’t expect me to bail you out with regulation of greenhouse gases just because some celebrities are crying global warming. You don’t want to go extinct? Well get a god damn job. Being part of a business means only supplying the needs of your customers without demanding too much uncomfortable behavior on their part. I’m not going to make someone climb the stairs to the Trump Tower penthouse, just because it’s more “green.” And I’m not going to tell my hard voting constituents to hang up their SUVs and buy a hybrid.

And entitlements are the easiest of all! We’re done with that. You want to be an American. Well fine, take care of yourself or “You’re Fired!” That’s right, permanent deportation for any American who demands welfare of any kind. Because, in a company, you can’t lug around dead weight. The minute an employee, or American citizen, isn’t working up to the standards required of him or her, that’s it. You’re out.

Foreign policy is where it gets fun. You see, every building I make is gorgeous, with a nice glossy exterior, so all the world can know: there goes a real man! The military is this country’s glossy exterior. So we need to pump money into our defense budget and let no man, country or international organization tell us how to behave. Because it’s not a bad thing in business to have your competitors running scared of your big, shiny nukes.

And as for my VP pick? Well Paul Ryan’s great, but how about Arsenio Hall, late night legend and latest Celebrity Apprentice winner? And if he falls through, I bet I could at least get you Clay Aiken. Or even better, how does Celebrity Vice President, a reality competition where celebrities compete to be my VP, sound? Because I could do that. The Donald could.

But, you know, Romney’s not a terrible second choice. If you can’t have the best, you might as well have the Mormon second best. His private sector experience almost rivals mine (but not quite…no one does mogul with as much flair as I do).

I’m here, tonight, though, to once again endorse Mitt Romney for President. Let’s take down that immigrant, imposter president and take the US back for the businessman!

After a recent NBC and Wall Street Journal poll reported that zero percent of African Americans support Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, a spokesman for the Romney campaign has told The Gabbler that Romney plans to increase his efforts to make himself more appealing to black voters.

“I mean, yeah, I’m a little upset,” said Romney in a recent interview with The Gabbler on Sunday. “I have lots of black friends! My maid, Maria–oh, excuse me, I’m told she is actually Dominican. Close, though! Also, I run into Deval Patrick pretty often at my favorite steakhouse in Boston, and he always says ‘hi’ to me. And once, Will Smith and I stayed at the same hotel!”

Despite Romney’s insistence that he does in fact have “scores” of black friends, the Romney camp is also in the process of creating a new campaign video in the hopes of attracting more African American voters.

The video, which was said to be inspired by Francois Hollande’s controversial campaign video used a few months ago, will feature an explicit version of Jay-Z’s “Where I’m From” as its theme song and consist of Romney strolling up and down some of the country’s most crime-ridden streets.

Romney has also reportedly hired a voice coach and ebonics instructor for assistance in honing his speaking skills in the new video.

“Was I a little nervous? Yes. Did I have fifteen armed body guards with me? Yes. Did I hire a cleaning service to get rid of that fishy, car exhaust-like smell? Of course,” explained Romney of the time spent shooting the video. “But it was totally worth it. I’m just trying to let these people see a different side of me.”

The video will also feature Romney wearing a brand new pair of sneakers designed by rapper and hip hop artist Kanye West, which, incidentally, cost the candidate more than $90,000.

On the cost of the shoes, Romney released a curt and unapologetic statement: “Don’t hate. We be high rollaz, homes.”