The following diary entry details the tragic broken engagement of a young couple, Tom and Holly. They had been madly in love until Holly dared to ask the one question that no woman really wants to know the answer to: what’s your number?

Dear Diary,

I never thought that I would write these words, but, it’s over. Tom and I ended things last night. Well, I suppose I ended things. I handed over the beautiful engagement ring he had given me only last week. It was the right thing to do and he needs it much more than I do.

It was just supposed to be standard post-engagement, pre-wedding banter. “What’s your number?” That silly question that you’re always too afraid to ask while you’re just dating. It seems too invasive and too unimportant and like there could never really be a right answer. Too high and you’re impulsive, thoughtless, free to the point of being reckless. Too low and you’re inexperienced in something that so defines our generation.

But now that we were engaged, I thought that maybe I could just ask him. His past was going to become my past and vice versa, so it just seemed fair. To know each other on that level. To go beyond our casual mentions of our different numbers in conversation.

My friends all told me I was crazy of course. “You can’t ask a man his number! It’s HIS NUMBER, you don’t want to know about that!” But I didn’t listen.

So last night I just asked him. I screwed my courage to the sticking place, or whatever it is, and I asked, “Tom, what’s your number?” And he told me.

I never imagined it would be so high. I mean, I knew it wasn’t low, we were together for almost two years before we got engaged, so we had talked about it but I never thought it would be that bad.

When he told me, I was disgusted, to be honest. To fall in love with someone, to sleep next to him every night and not know his number was SO high. I had let those hands, those hands that just seemed so dirty now, touch me. I tried to hold it in, but I just couldn’t. I ran to the bathroom and I threw up the dinner he had lovingly cooked for me.

To be honest, though. I had always suspected. It took him five years to graduate college, which meant he had a whole extra year to get that number up so high. And he had spent TWO semesters studying abroad in Europe, which is just a red flag for promiscuity, really.

But still. I had never expected it to be this bad. What was his number? 220,000.

That’s right. $220,000 of student loan debt. It was financial promiscuity taken to an extreme I barely understood.

I mean, I knew his family didn’t have much money and that he had gone to Wake Forest without any scholarships, but I never imagined. He still had at least twenty years left in his debt repayment plan, since he couldn’t make the necessary payments to finish up in ten years.

When he told me the air went out of the room, and our future with it. I saw the down payment on our future house disappear, I saw the number of children we could support halved, I saw the retirement savings we would only be able to start saving for after twenty years of student loan debt repayment. All of it, eaten up by the interest on the loans his 18-year-old self decided to take out because he just HAD to have the best education money could buy. Even if he didn’t have the money to buy it with.

I’m devastated, I really am. I loved him. But I can’t take on the burden of $225,000 in loans. I can’t sacrifice my future to the interest rates on his debt. I know that, one day, I’ll move on. To somebody who went to a state school, hopefully.

Yours,

Holly

February 1993-She smiles a lot and is nicknamed Smiley, later shortened to Miley. But behind that devilish grin lies an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude that will one day characterize her whole outlook on life.

March 1993-He’s enjoying an idyllic childhood with two older brothers and really, just great, amazing, supportive parents. They’re just so great, you guys!

2001-She watches her dad filming the TV show Doc and is like, fuck it, I can do that. A star is born.

March 24^th, 2006-Hannah fucking Montana premieres. You’re welcome, world.

2006-Inspired by his awesome older brothers, he decides to start auditioning for roles. It’s time to show the world the Hemsworth Triple Threat: Luke, Chris and Liam!

December 2007-She tweets a photo where she’s eating a delicious stick of licorice with a female friend, their mouths inching toward each other, but she’s definitely not a lesbian. She just doesn’t give a fuck about the implications of licorice sharing.

Late 2008-She’s like, hey, Nicholas Sparks, write me a movie to star in! He does and The Last Song is born.

June 2009-They start filming The Last Song together. He’s captivated by her beauty and overall awesomeness. She’s like, hey, he’s bangable. It’s true love.

August 9^th, 2009-She pole dances at the Teen Choice Awards. Creepy old men around the world rejoice.

August 10^th, 2009-He’s wondering why there are suddenly so many countdowns to his girlfriend’s 18^th birthday on the internet. And then–hey!–he figures it out. Not cool, guys.

August 20^th, 2009-Her badass American anthem, “Party in the USA,” debuts at #2 on the Billboard Hot 100 Chart.

August 2009-She also launches her clothing line with Max Azria for Walmart, her favorite down-home country store. Fuck designer labels, man, and come buy her shit for under $20.

September 14^th, 2009-She begins her World Wonder Tour to introduce the new Miley badass sound to the world.

December 7^th, 2009-She performs for the Queen and other members of the British Royal Family. No big deal, because she doesn’t give a fuck.

Late 2009-He’s doing big, important stuff, too, guys! Like…having sex with Miley! Hell yeah.

January 2010-She begins filming the last season of Hannah Montana. Thank fucking God. She is so sick of all the glitter. So much fucking glitter.

March 2010-She has a glaring moment of clarity. She may be totally fucking apathetic and like whatever, but this Liam guy, he’s her first serious boyfriend. Nick Jonas has nothing on Liam.

Summer 2010-She stars in two more feature films, learning some kickass street fighting along the way.

November 2010-He’s also doing stuff, you guys! He went to Victoria Derby Day with his mom. Did I mention how awesome his parents are?

November 2010-Also, they broke up. But only briefly because their love is too strong.

December 2010-She starts sexting him again. True love.

February 2011-He goes apeshit on some bouncers at an L.A. nightclub. They shouldn’t have talked about his mom that way. Not cool.

April 2011-He gets cast as the male lead in The Hunger Games. Megafame, here he comes!

April 2011-She is unable to convince him that Gale is not actually the lead in The Hunger Games, so she just lets him have his delusions of grandeur instead.

April 29^th, 2011-She starts another world tour, the Gypsy Heart Tour. So named because she’s a badass, world touring gypsy.

May 2011-He joins her on tour. Love continues to blossom.

June 2011-They’re officially back in love, guys! To follow: months of bliss.

November 2011-Her friends honor her total stoner status with a Bob Marley cake at her 19^th birthday party.

February 2012-After months of bliss, more bliss is to come. Also, did they have sex under the table at the Vanity Fair Oscar party? It’s definitely a possibility…

April 2012-He was featured on a poster for The Expendables 2! By himself with a sweet gun and a hot body suit!

June 6^th, 2012-The proposal. The two are at home, surrounded by their furry friends. She’s laying naked, ladylike, knees splayed on their king sized bed. He excuses himself to use the bathroom and comes back with a silver tray, covered in rose petals and bearing a ring box and a framed picture of the two in a popular tabloid. He trips, dropping the tray and breaking the picture frame but recovers, landing on one knee and looking her deep in her uncovered bosom as he asks for her hand in marriage. It’s magical.

The two will wed on a day and at a location to be disclosed as follows: several false dates and locations will be leaked to the press, along with the real day and venue. This is where you guys come in! Email us at liamisawesome69@hotmail.com with your guess which is the right day and venue. A week after the original leaks we’ll reveal the real date and location in an interview on E! News (we’ll make sure to look totally exasperated by all those strange tabloid claims about all the different locations!). And any one of you guys who guesses correctly gets a free bottle of champagne and one roll of film to take at the wedding and sell to the tabloids!

The Gabbler:
@valtrier Enchante, Madame Trierwieler. It’s a pleasure 2 tweet U! (Couldn’t resist.)

Valerie Trierweiler:  
@the_gabbler Ugh. Calling me Madame makes me feel like a vieille. Call me “Valérie.” : )

The Gabbler:

@valtrier So it’s “Vah-LEH-ree,” right? Sort of sounds like I’m coughing up flem? ; )