Do-it Date, Quentify, Suburbulosis

Lisa — Wed, 09 Jan 2013 14:56:12 +0000

Do-it Date (dʊ ɪt deɪt): The date upon which a baby is conceived through a specific, serendipitous act of sexual intercourse that results in the fertilization of an egg. Origin: Creepy paparazzi like TMZ who publically tried to pinpoint the exact date and place that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West conceived their baby-to-be. “So, when are you due?” “September 14th!” “Oh my god! So your do-it date was totally Valentine’s Day! SO romantic!”

Quentify (kwɛn tə faɪ): The act of making an otherwise boring story into an epic scene of a Quentin Taratino movie.

“So like, the librarian was saying that I owed a major surcharge on my calc book-”
“-This story sucks. Quentify it!”
“Okay, okay. So then, an I whip out a gun and point it at the chick’s face with my right hand, super casual-like, and I start writing out a check with my left. I look at her and say, ‘Hey, you gotta pen? This one’s dry as a bone.’ She’s trembling uncontrollably and sweat is pooling at her armpits and staining her turtleneck sweater. Then she says, ‘You know what, I-I can let this one go.’ Then, her colleague comes in and starts screaming. So I say, ‘Shhhhh! Ma’am, you’re going to have to keep it down. This may be college, but it’s still a library.’ ”

Suburbulosis (sʌb ɜrb yə loʊ sɪs): A disease, usually resulting in poor fashion choices and an affinity for chain restaurants that is contracted after spending too much time in a suburban community. “You know, I went to Applebee’s last night, and it really wasn’t bad!” “Dude. Get back to the city – now. You have clearly developed a severe case of suburbulosis.”

Kanye's Hidden Texts to Kim: How Can Obama Be So Heartless?

Lisa — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 03:06:23 +0000

Famed socialite and reality TV star Kim Kardashian’s iPhone was hacked this week, revealing not only hundreds of photos, but also hidden texts between Kardashian and new beau Kanye West that discussed the upcoming White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Despite Kardashian’s attempts to convince West that Obama didn’t mean it when he called West a “jackass,” Kardashian ultimately brought her mother, Kris Jenner, to the dinner last week. As she posted on Twitter, Kardashian still reportedly found the event “very exciting!” Meanwhile, West elected to stay home and “sulk like a little bitch,” according to her younger sister, Khloe Kardashian. Regarding the leaked photos, Kardashian remains unconcerned, as she already has a “Instagram addiction!”

KK: Hey baby! Did U decide if U’ll come to the Corispondent’s Dinner w/ me? :)

KW: Hey gurl. You know I wanna go, baby, but I just can’t bear 2 look him in the face.

KK: HUN! I’m sure he didn’t mean it!

KW: U know, it’s just SO frustrating. I get his vision, he gets mine. We are both leaders, creators, innovators. I ask myself every day what I can do to make a difference, and he’s out there doing it, too. Together, we’d B unstoppable.

KK: Well babe, he’s not all that’s he’s cracked up 2 b. I really think that many of us looked 2 him as like, the end all be all after W, but it’s like, he’s just a person. He can’t fix all our problems. The GOP fights him @ every turn. Plus, he’s been fiskally irresponsible. Like, Y offer all these federal assistance programs if U don’t have the $? Kourtney and I were talking about it, and at least Mitt seems 2 have HIS finances in order… ;)

KW: He’s a visionary. It’s not his fault. Romney’s a BITCH. Who does that to their own dog??

KK: That’s true. I tots forgot about that. Anyway, plz come! I got another new free dress and everything, and U will meet him and he will LOVE U and both of U can forget about the stupid TSwift/VMA’s fiasco. Plus, U can finally give him those sneakers U designed 4 him!

KW: No, I’m too embarassed. I thought he was my boy, and then he called me out to the ATLANTIC? That shit is legit. Harriet Beecher Stowe wrote for that shit. Come on. O KNOWS I get inspired from Longfellow. WTF.

KK: Well, he did call U “talented” in that interview, 2!

KW: Psh. He probably just felt bad 4 me. He probably hasn’t even listened to my new tracks on “Watch the Throne.”

KK: Of course he has! He loves Jay-Z, remember? And I know my fav song! ;) But listen, I’ve been thinking lately, and I want 2 b honest w/ U about something, OK?

KW: Of course. Damn! I’m watchin his “Race” speech again, and I’m just SO inspired. I advocated for that shit. I was all “Yes, We Can.” And he calls me out like, “No, You Can’t.”

KK: OK, like, remember when we were watching The Iliad other night and I told that I would never pick Brad Pitt over U, no matter how totally ripped he was?

KW: Yeah. Did u change ur mind?????? :(

KK: NO! But, remember, we talked about his character, Akillies. And I told you what “hubris” meant…

KW: THAT IS ILL. New song title: “Achilles.” “Uh. Uh. Got an arrow straight up in my heel/ You be my Achilles tendon fo real…”

KK: Ye! Stay w/ me here.

KW: Sorry! My mind is always running, always running. U think he’d like that song, though?

KK: It’s just, I think U need 2 work on ur pride. Like him, ur a public figure. And if U do things that R controversial, people R going 2 call U out. Like, when BO pumped over $500 mill into a green company that subsequently went bankrupt – people were like: “Um, what?” And when U made that scrawny little teenage girl cry or whatever – he was all like: “What a jackass.”

KW: First, he can’t be faulted for trying to invest in green industries. Second, she didn’t cry! I said I was sorry. :(

KK: If U just come, and tell him that U R a big fan, and tell him U admire him all the more for his comments (which U tots do, by the way!), it will b fine.

KW: I’ll think about it. But I also really need to get working on that Achilles shit.

KK: :/

THE GABBLER » Kim Kardashian

Do-it Date, Quentify, Suburbulosis

Kanye's Hidden Texts to Kim: How Can Obama Be So Heartless?