Hi, I’m Joe Biden, vice president of the United States, here to answer your questions, just like my boy Obama did last week!  After a brief, accidental foray into ThreadIt, a community of needlepoint enthusiasts (btw, thanks, ladies, for finally helping me master the elusive encroaching upright gobelin stitch!), I’ve finally made it here, to Reddit, where I’ll be happy to spend the next 30 minutes answering any and all questions you might have for me, Joe Biden!

UPDATE: Well that was fun. I’m off now, for my mandatory four hours of campaign anti-gaffe coaching, but I have to say, it’s no ThreadIt, but this whole Reddit thing isn’t too shabby.

Question: What do you even do?

Answer: Tons of stuff! I like to spend time with Jill, my lovely wife. Oh! And being a grandpa is just great! Also, I’m the vice president, which your civics class should have taught you is a position where you do a lot of thankless work and then get yelled at by everybody for one LITTLE comment you accidently make about putting black people back in chains (even though it was clearly Romney who wants to do that, NOT me). In fact, as VP, I get yelled at a lot, even though my practical, devil’s advocate approach keeps everyone from just running off to commie town, am I right? Plus, whose personal relationships built during a 35 plus year run as a Senator do you think allows the White House to work with Congress Republicans? But NOOOOO, it’s much more important that I keep my mouth shut about gay marriage so that Obama can drop that bomb when he sees fit.

Question: As a former single parent, do you really think that women can have it all?

Answer: Well I can certainly name one woman who has it all: Dr. Jill Biden. A handsome, successful husband who’s just a heartbeat away from the highest level of power in the world, albeit a very strong and well exercised heartbeat (thanks, Michelle!), a beautiful daughter, loving stepsons and grandchildren, a successful career. The first Second Lady to ever continue working once her husband takes office because what she says goes in our household, no matter how many times I ask who’s supposed to organize tea time for visiting dignitaries! But seriously, ladies, you know I’ve got your back, right? I get it, ok. I might not have the same parts as you, but I know exactly what it feels like to commute hours every day just so that you can pursue your career dreams while still maintaining a sense of stability in your children’s lives. And at the end of the week all you want is a nice bubble bath and maybe a brownie or a glass of wine, but NO your youngest is on the verge of tears because his older brother told him that Big Bird wasn’t real and there is just so much laundry. What I really mean to say, is thank God I found Jill, because she was really able to sort out that Big Bird problem for me.

Question: What are you going to do, personally, to get me a job? Seriously, this unemployed and living in my mom’s basement thing is getting old, especially given how much food service experience I have.

Answer: We’re working on it. I wish I could just find everyone in America a job, I really do, but I’m too busy flying around the world in a private jet and being pampered by our allies while we talk wars and stuff.  (Although, I hear Chili’s is hiring…check out their application here!) But seriously, I’m trying, okay? I mean, I spent a lot of time overseeing the stimulus, ensuring that there was absolutely almost no corruption at all and that the money really went to helping maintain and create jobs, which is always good for the economy! (That must be why California Pizza Kitchen is also hiring!) Seriously, though, the internet is filled with online applications for food service related jobs. What are you doing all day in that basement instead of just filling out a few of them?

Question: Is Iran going to nuke us?

Answer: Not if you reelect Obama. ;)

Question: I hear you’re a 99 percenter like the rest of us (second poorest member of Congress in ‘08, hell yeah!). How come I’ve never seen you down at Occupy, man? Also, how has your relative poverty helped inform the work you do as veep?

Answer: Okay, I’m going to be completely honest: not cool. You don’t think it’s just a little bit embarrassing for me to be running with all these millionaires and for you to just tell the internet how poor ole Joe Biden is? You know what, some of us started our Senatorial careers a little too young to bring in much bacon with our fancy law degrees, okay? Do you know that I was the sixth youngest Senator in US history? I was too busy working on behalf of my constituents in Delaware to bring in money on the side, okay? And I had two boys to raise, on my own, thank you very much, until Jill came along. So sorry that I don’t fit your image of the slick, wealthy politician. Nope I’m just Ole Joe from Scranton, won’t see him in an Armani suit at the debate. It’s just embarrassing, okay, I’m not proud of it. But you know what? The VP salary isn’t bad, so I’m doing just fine, thank you very much.

Question: What’s your opinion of Paul Ryan?

Answer: Don’t even get me started. The thought that, if things don’t go my way in November, Ryan could be in my office, jerking off to Atlas Shrugged or getting his P90X sweat all over my chair disgusts me. I mean if this guy is as good at creating gridlock as VP as he was in the Super Committee our country is doomed. As VP, I know the importance of greasing the wheels, getting things done, making compromises, hiding your true disgust with the Republican Party. This guy can’t do any of that, so he’s just going to sit around hrumphing about no compromises for lower taxes on millionaires and banning gay marriage while running our country into the ground.

The story first broke on Fox News late Friday night on Hannity, with Sean Hannity interviewing several witnesses of the event. Hannity reacted by decrying Biden’s hypocrisy in “flouting Obama’s clear anti-flatulence stance so blatantly in public” before joking that “the VP must really be full of hot air if he has to release it in public.” Several other conservatives then came forward to express their disgust with Biden, accusing him of attempting to steer media coverage away from comments he made while campaigning in Virginia, telling a crowd that the Republican Party was looking “to put y’all back in chains.”

“Listen, Biden isn’t stupid, he knows what he’s doing. He clearly is trying to distract from one serious gaffe with a less serious one. In fact, he may be the most media savvy candidate in this campaign,” Bill O’Reilly claimed.

Meanwhile, Democrats were quick to defend Biden’s actions, calling them the logical outcome of Biden’s new healthy diet. Many, in fact, went on the attack, pointing out the hypocrisy of conservative criticism of Biden. Representative Joe Baca (D-CA) appeared on several news outlets, including MSNBC and CNN, to express his dismay that conservatives would attack Biden for flatulence, “given the noise that comes from Paul Ryan after his lunchtime burrito.”

Both sides, however, were quick to note that Hillary Clinton has not had an instance of public flatulence since the early 90s. “Perhaps what we’re seeing here is an issue of how Biden’s advanced age, and subsequent lack of control over his bodily functions, interferes with his work as Vice President. Perhaps it’s time that the Democratic Party trade him in for a younger, more Clintonesque model,” wrote liberal blogger Tara Woods, while former Alaska governor Sarah Palin suggested, “that Obama move on to that non-farter Hillary Clinton.”

Neither President Obama nor Vice President Biden has publicly acknowledged the gaffe, although several pundits expect Biden to address it when he campaigns in Michigan later this week.

Dispatcher: Paramedic. Please state your emergency.

Caller: AHHH! You’ve gotta help me!

Dispatcher: Calm down, Sir. Please tell me what’s going on.

Caller: PLEASE HELP ME! SHE’S THE UNDEAD!

Dispatcher: Sir, I cannot help you unless you calm down and tell me what’s wrong. What is your name?

Caller: It’s J-Joe.

Dispatcher: Okay, Joe. It’s gonna be all right. What happened?

Caller: (Whispers.) Okay, okay. I was walking down the West Colonnade toward the bathrooms on the West Wing, and then, I saw…her.

Dispatcher: Who is she, Sir?

Caller: A she-zombie. A female zombie. I didn’t read anything in HuffPo this week about she-zombies, but I mean, how else do they get new baby zombies, right? Oh, it was horrible. Bloodshot eyes. Skin was all grayish and hung down from her face like soggy paper towels. She reached toward me with her limp, bony arms, and I just ran like there was no fucking tomorrow.

Dispatcher: So there was a woman coming out of the bathroom–

Caller: Do she-zombies still eat your face? Or do you think they strictly feed on newborn babies and male genitalia?

Dispatcher: I’m afraid you’ve lost me, Sir.

Caller: NO! CAN YOU HEAR ME?

Dispatcher: Sir, please remain calm. I’m here. I’m just not entirely sure what the problem is. Where are you now, and where is the woman in question?

Caller: I’m hiding.

Dispatcher: Hiding? From the, ahem, zombie?

Caller: Yes. Behind a potted plant.

Dispatcher: All right, but what building are you in? What is your address? If you feel that you are in danger from this person, I will send the authorities to check on the situation.

Caller: Um, I forget the address exactly, but it’s the White House. It’s big and white and the prez lives here. You can’t miss it.

Dispatcher: I probably should have asked this when you used the term”she-zombie,” but honestly, Sir, if this is a prank–

Caller: –Does a zombie sighting at the White House sound like a prank call? Do you know what this means? It means that the zombies have officially taken over! Do you even READ the news? This is a matter of national security! She was going to tear out my small intestines! Chew on my flesh and spit out the bones! Suck out my soul with one of those horrible kisses–

Dispatcher: Well, I think you may be confusing zombies with dementors, made famous from J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series–

Caller: Whatever! Point is, there’s a she-zombie on the loose. I’ve been warning Hil and Barry for weeks, but no one listened to ole Joe, ‘cept maybe Sasha. And oh, you can bet Michelle was not pleased about that. But, I say that kids deserve to know the truth, too. It’s not my fault she’s been having nightmares. So have I!

Dispatcher: Can’t the Secret Service deal with this?

Caller: Nope. They’ve stopped answering my calls– oh my god! Here she comes! SHE IS COMING TO RIP ME TO BLOODY SHREDS AND DINE ON MY BRAINS!

Dispatcher: Sir, calm down. I’m sending someone now. Is she armed?

Caller: HELP–Ahem. Hey there, Nancy. You look very nice this morning. That’s a lovely dress. Yeah–I’ll be there soon. Nope, just–uh–just finishing up this important call.

Dispatcher: Sir, what is happening now? Who are you speaking with?

Caller: Shh. Yeah, it’s actually a comfy little spot back here, Nance. I’ll, um, climb out in a second. Yeah. I’ll meet you in a few minutes, okay?

Dispatcher: Hello?

Caller: Hi. Uh, I may have confused a zombie with the House Minority Leader.

Dispatcher: (Pauses.) Sir, I’m hanging up now.

Caller: Yeah, I think that’s best. But will you do me a favor? Will you stay on the phone with me just a little longer? I need to pee before the meeting, and I’m scared to go to the bathroom alone.

Dispatcher: (Sighs.) Fine.