But the following diary entry written by Kelsey, an unpaid marketing intern at the start-up app creator InfaRed, proves all of these haters wrong. In one rather effusively written entry Kelsey counts the ways she loves unpaid work and proves that even if she may not be the right candidate for the job, she’s certainly a candidate for something.

April 5^th, 2014

Dear Diary,

Another day dawns and it’s yet another chance to take the marketing world by storm! That’s right, after a year of searching, of following every job lead to a dead end, of awkward networking brunches and unanswered emails and I’ve finally landed what every 2013 college graduate dreams of: an unpaid internship!

It’s like all of my wildest dreams have come true. You wouldn’t imagine the opportunities I have. This is real work, real experience, real resume bullet points. I’m pretty sure some people even get paid to do what I do. That’s how legit this is. I even get to manage freelancers. Paid freelancers, too, not some desperate college students looking to work for free just for a byline. These are professional social media marketers carrying out MY plans.

I was so worried I wouldn’t get it. When I went in for the interview, I met another candidate, Daphne, in the reception area. And of course, by reception area, I mean the odd cluster of old couches, ping pong tables, and bean bag chairs that make up the front half of most startup offices. But, Daphne, she was just SO qualified. She had already worked for another startup all through college, helping out their marketing department part-time. She grew their social media following by 1000%. Or something like that? I’m pretty bad at numbers, but she had a handle on them. And she knew all of these industry buzzwords, like SEO and analytics and Facebook insights. The only Facebook insight I knew about was learning that Stacy Peterson got fat after high school but still wasn’t afraid to post a bikini pic as her profile picture.

But, yeah, Daphne was great. She was TOTALLY qualified. So it was crazy when they gave it to me. But I guess it was my naturally bubbly personality. Also, I think Daphne mentioned something about student loans and making rent. I don’t know. I don’t have student loans and I live with my mom and wait tables on the weekends to cover my transportation expenses. So I’m pretty much making ends meet. Which gives me a chance to take advantage of this great opportunity before my health insurance runs out and I need a job with actual benefits.

I mean, sure, I have plenty of friends who are working “real jobs” with benefits and pay checks and vacation days and sick days and all of those crazy extravagant things. But I’m not an extravagant girl, you know. Sure, it would be great to be able to move out of my twin bed with princess sheets and actually live with my friends in the city. And, of course, it would be nice not to watch my savings dwindle every time I go out for lunch with my coworkers, but this is my chance to do something big. And creative! Not like my friends, crunching numbers at accounting firms or at some hedge fund. No, this is marketing.

Marketing. What I’ve always wanted to do since last summer when I was forced to make up my mind about my future! I’m still learning what it actually is, but it’s so amazing that I even have the chance to learn that. Most people don’t even get that! They’re just stuck being lazy and entitled and sticking their noses up at amazing opportunities just because they don’t actually pay.

This is it, I just feel it. The big leagues. My bosses promise me that one day I’ll get paid, that as the startup grows, my position and pay will grow. I just have to wait it out. Plus they have crazy industry connections. They could get me a paid job at any big company with just a snap of their fingers, if they wanted to, they told me. Plus, it’s such good experience, they tell me. Any resume with that experience on it is sure to get noticed, even by the most callous recruiter. It’s basically like being paid in experience and connections. Which is something that money can’t buy, so it’s even better than a paycheck!

I’m on my way, Diary. Just think of it. Last year, I spent every day sending out copies of my resume and now, I’m finally somebody! An unpaid internship this year, then a paid one next, then maybe some temp and freelance work for a few years after that and I may even get something entry level before I’m 30! Fingers crossed!

Yours,

Kelsey

20^th July 2012

To whom it may concern;

I am writing to apply for the job of Fuck You at How Fucking Hard Is It to Answer One of 35 Follow Up Emails or One of 27 Follow Up Calls Incorporated. As a recent college graduate just looking for one person in the whole fucking universe to take my Liberal Studies major seriously and let me finally cash in on the dreams promised to me in exchange for a $50,000/year education, I feel that I am especially qualified to work at a company that is clearly as douchey as yours.

See, like your awful corporation, I too can be a total dick to desperate applicants who just want to move out of their parents’ creepy, moldy, spider-filled basements and maybe be able to, oh, I don’t know, actually score with that hot chick from the bar because they’ll have a swanky, new apartment to take her to. I’m not sure if this got through with my initial application, but I am a total asshole, just like you guys! I mean sure, most of my experience is just with lying to women and hazing new members at my fraternity, but I’m sure after this big fish gets to the nasty, polluted, assholish waters of your company’s big pond, I’ll soar (you know, in a fishy kind of way) and learn how to crush the dreams of us mere mortals, too. I mean, I too believe that there’s nothing like saying to a kid who spent Friday night after Friday night in the library pushing for that magna cum laude (even though it was his senior year and he was basically a GOD at his fraternity) that, oh all that effort, was not good enough. But show us your MBA and your four years of experience and we’ll consider interviewing you for a job that basically involves scheduling the CEO’s meetings and picking up his lunch from the deli around the corner. Because I definitely wouldn’t be able to remember that he wants mustard, not mayo, on his pastrami sandwich without another $100,000 or so of education and some concrete job experience ordering sandwiches.

Which is why I’m sending you this letter, along with my resume, to see if there are any opportunities in your HR department. Like, I said, I want to be a dream-crusher, too, a total douche bag, asshole, cock-sucking dickwad who shits all over, not just the dreams of other people, but their sense of themselves as a worthwhile person who might one day actually be able to contribute to society in a real, meaningful way. And I really think that your company, which clearly shares my desire to treat people like useless sacks of shit, is the ideal place for me to start my dream-crushing career.

But, seriously, you have a job for me, right? Because my mom has started padlocking the refrigerator and kitchen cabinets so that I can’t get to the food until I start paying the rent she says she and my father asked for as a condition for my moving back home. I swear I’ll do anything you need me to do for as little as $25,000/year. I really have some qualifications. I was in a fraternity, we were rejecting and accepting and training new members all the time. Plus we had to follow all the finicky rules of our national chapter and our university. Isn’t that what HR does? Because I can do that. Seriously, any job opening, just contact this guy and I’ll do it.

I hope you’ll be in touch. Please note that the cell phone number on my older application is no longer in service, but I can be reached at my current job at the ———- Home Depot at xxx-xxx-xxxx Tuesday-Saturday from 11am-8pm. Just ask for Stock Boy Number Seven.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your fucking sunshine-filled day as well as the eternity you’ll most likely spend rotting in hell.

Sincerely,

John