THE GABBLER » jeb bush https://thegabbler.com Just Goosing Around Mon, 01 Feb 2016 21:40:33 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.0.1 Swipe Right: Leaked Tinder Profiles of the 2016 Presidential Candidates https://thegabbler.com/the-broken-seal/2015/07/23/swipe-right-leaked-tinder-profiles-of-the-2016-presidential-candidates/ https://thegabbler.com/the-broken-seal/2015/07/23/swipe-right-leaked-tinder-profiles-of-the-2016-presidential-candidates/#comments Thu, 23 Jul 2015 18:52:34 +0000 http://thegabbler.com/?p=3296 Many have noted the Obama campaign’s use of social media to reach younger voters in both 2008 and 2012. And it looks like the next crop of presidential hopefuls are following in his footsteps by taking advantage of the millennial generation’s most popular social outreach app-Tinder. After a weekend of furious swiping (and quite a few randy messages from interested gentleman), The Gabbler was able to pull all the candidates’ profiles to publish for wider consumption.

Tinder_Bernie

 

Bernie Sanders

Distance: wayyy out​ there in VT.

Active: 73 years, baby

About Bernie: “I’m just looking for a happy, healthy relationship in which the means of production, distribution, and exchange are owned and/or regulated equally.

Also, ice cream > frozen yogurt.”

 

Tinder_Paul

 Rand Paul

Distance: Kentucky
Active: 4 years
About Rand: “Whatever. If you guys don’t want me​,​I’ll go back to being a doctor.”

Tinder_Clinton

Hillary Clinton

Distance: [not found]
Active: [private]
About Hillary: “Email is so 20 years ago. PM me here, or better yet, on Snap.”
Tinder_Cruz

Ted Cruz

Distance: The United States of Texas
Active: Since Freshman year
About Ted: “Harvard AND Princeton alum. Proud Wacko Bird. I know everyone’s wondering, so I’ll just settle all bets now: yes, I do wear my cowboy boots everywhere.” ;) 
Favorite Books: The Bible, The Fountainhead, Green Eggs and Ham and of course, mine!
 Tinder_Bush

​ ​Jeb Bush

Distance: the sunshine state
Active: one month, 2 days ago
About Jeb: “Hola! Me llamo Jeb. Yo soy un hombre bueno.:) Me gusta, eh, como se dice, “Superpacs?”
Tinder_Trump

Donald Trump

Distance: Miles ahead of everyone else!
Active: 36 hours
Tagline: “Call me The Donald, or else You’re Fired. Not into Hispanics.”
]]> https://thegabbler.com/the-broken-seal/2015/07/23/swipe-right-leaked-tinder-profiles-of-the-2016-presidential-candidates/feed/ 0 Jeb Bush Is Definitely Running for President. Here’s Why. https://thegabbler.com/the-broken-seal/2015/06/03/jeb-bush-is-definitely-running-for-president-heres-why-2/ https://thegabbler.com/the-broken-seal/2015/06/03/jeb-bush-is-definitely-running-for-president-heres-why-2/#comments Wed, 03 Jun 2015 23:37:37 +0000 http://thegabbler.com/?p=3284 Memorial Day 2015 is over and that means only one thing: the November 2016 presidential election is basically here. Some claim that all candidates haven’t even announced themselves and that the official primary season doesn’t begin until the end of the year. But candidates are already crawling out of the woodwork and making their intentions known. Just last month, former Florida governor Jeb Bush declared his plans to run for half of a sentence before artfully backtracking. We at The Gabbler have since been carefully watching Bush’s movements, and through the latest technology (and some good old-fashioned in-person stalking), we were able to determine without a doubt that he plans on running. Below is a list of Jeb Bush’s latest actions, which prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he will announce his candidacy soon.

-Went to the dry cleaner (preparing suits for announcement rally?)

-Had Sunday dinner with not one but TWO former presidents (Presidents George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush)

-Purchased a diet cookbook at the local bookstore (losing weight to look good in debates?)

-Chatted at length with bookstore salesgirl about local economy (trying to look “folksy” and “down-to-earth”)

-Went for a brisk walk with wife, forced her to use small hand weights the whole time (attempt to get “Michelle arms”)

-Attempted to kiss baby and puppy at ice cream shop (photo op, anyone?)

-As if that’s not evidence ENOUGH, quick hack of his personal computer also showed the following searches:

  • what is pinterest
  • will pinterest help me get the youth vote
  • will instagram help me get the youth vote
  • how to win elections with the twitter
  • do ladies really care that much about abortions
  • how to relate to youths
  • dramatic political slogan ideas
  • low fat slow cooker chili recipes
  • what dog do american voters like the most
  • hillary clinton pantsuit designer
]]> https://thegabbler.com/the-broken-seal/2015/06/03/jeb-bush-is-definitely-running-for-president-heres-why-2/feed/ 0