The National Rifle Association’s opposition to the regulation of firearms isn’t only guided by the staunch position to protect the “constitutional rights” of gun owners. The NRA has received tens of millions of dollars from the firearms industry since 2005, which it in turn has lobbied against even the most common-sense gun laws. GOP pollster Frank Luntz found that 74 percent of NRA members and 87 percent of non-NRA gun owners support criminal background checks to qualify for purchasing a gun, yet the NRA continues to lobby against mandatory federal background checks, suggesting it has more than just its constituents’ interests in mind. The NRA has also been using campaign donations and lobbying to promote state legislation, such as Florida’s 2005 “shoot first” Stand Your Ground Law, which has now been adopted by half of the country.  All of this contributes to a legal environment where both ownership and the size of the firearms economy are as widespread and large-scale as possible, and the ability to use deadly force is given to any citizen who purchases a gun.

Post updated 24 Feb 2014

The year is 2025 AD, almost ten years into Obama’s America, officially known as the United Barackian Socialist Republic. The people are tired, drained, barred from their one true, Christian God by the new constitution, the first of its kind, the beginning of a new political system. Known as soci-liberal-shariacommunism, it joins the finer points of communism, Sharia law, and the social liberalism of a Godless nation.

Every day, the workers shuffle to their cubicles, working, working, working tirelessly for no pay. The money they earn for the government is drained into the free health care system, used by the whores and homosexuals to abort their babies and treat their AIDS. Every female over the age of 12 is forced to take birth control pills and get vaccinated against HPV, all paid for by the government.

What the workers do receive is downloaded directly onto food stamp-style debit cards. Each person is given the same amount, whether they live the carefree life of the unemployed or work the grueling hours of a CEO.  These debit cards can only be used at government stores where condoms are sold alongside strange, new, liberal foods, like quinoa and kale.

To control carbon emissions and cut down on obesity, people are forced to walk everywhere, on sidewalks build next to freeways by government workers. Government sanctions to prevent the spread of obesity have resulted in the closure of all McDonalds and the replacement of Coca-Cola with watered down carrot juice. Meanwhile, the homosexuals run wild, fornicating on playgrounds, while children being educated in the finer points of Islam silently watch. Celebrating Christian holidays is now prohibited, with the exception of a ceremonial Christmas tree burning every December 25^th. During the month of Ramadan, anyone caught eating during the sunlit hours is sent to a re-education camp, half Islamic Madrasa, half Soviet labor camp. Social media feeds are carefully monitored by the NSA and people often disappear for as much as a casual “Thank God!” even when used colloquially.

And perhaps worst of all, there are no guns. No citizen is permitted to own anything more threatening than a carving knife. Weekly gun raids turn up contraband, which are ceremoniously burned. Their owners are sent to re-education camps, too, where they are forced to mop fetuses off the floors of abortion clinics or hand out welfare checks to non-working Americans.

It started out slowly, as these things do. First he came for our assault weapons. He blamed Sandy Hook, of course, said that the lives of our children were just too high a price to pay for basic freedom. This was back in 2013, soon after the Supreme Court blessed gay unions by overturning the Defense of Marriage Act.

He worked quietly after that. All of a sudden, conservative reporters started to die in droves. Accidently. The first was the so-called “car accident” that killed Michael Hastings. He was liberal, but openly critical of the way the Obama administration was secretly spying on citizens. Maybe he had uncovered the whole plan to take over the country before he was murdered. The world will never know. Suicide was a favorite method. Soon there was no one left at Fox News. Then, very slowly, Republican Congressmen began to quietly retire. There was a mid-term election a week in some states. A Democrat always won by over 80% of the vote.

Then others started to disappear. First prominent Republican Party members, but then everyday people. At first there was no connection, but soon we realized: it was anyone who listed their religion as Christian and their political party as conservative on Facebook.  People following the NRA on Twitter or Facebook went missing. So people took that down, but he came for us on OkCupid.  Christian Mingle became the government hit list of dating. Young men and women, ready to meet God’s match for them, soon found themselves crated away in an unmarked van. The only dating sites that remained were Tindr and Grindr, making homosexual fornication even more prevalent.

Political groups opposing him were all denied tax-exempt status. At first it was the Tea Party, then more traditional conservative groups. Then he came after the left, taking down liberal groups who had the courage to question the new state of the union.

Then it happened. Election night 2016. Chris Christie vs. Joe Biden. Christie was the only Republican left with the balls to run against Biden, Obama’s puppet. But a shooting broke out in the Republican National Committee’s headquarters. Hundreds dead. Not a man or woman there had a pistol to defend themselves against the slaughter. Their weapons had been taken away in the Great Purge of 2015.

That was all it took. Obama declared a state of emergency and by February 2017 he was burning the Constitution and recreating our government in his vision of soci-liberal-shariacommunism. He declared himself Sultan for Life and had been ruling ever since.

But that was all about to end. A group of men, good Christian men, who spent their days shuffling off to government-mandated jobs, met every night in the basement of an old, abandoned farmhouse. There they had stocked-piled assault weapons before the first Great Purge. They had effectively been able to avoid detection, since Obama’s liberal thugs thrived in urban environments and avoided the country at all costs.

These men were all that was left to save America. Their name? The Well-Regulated Militia. They were ready to fulfill their Constitutional obligation to take back their nation’s liberty. They fought for their daughters, destined in Obama’s America to live like whores, pumped full of birth control pills and bleeding fetuses out onto to clinic floors at government expense. They fought for their sons, already experimenting with the homosexual lifestyle, damning themselves to eternal hellfire through the embrace of older men.

And they were ready to fight. Ready to use these assault weapons against a tyrannical regime that had stripped them of the Christian nation dreamed of by the Founding Fathers. Sure, Obama had drones and fighter jets and a military grown strong on the government teat long before he even became president back in 2008, he even had nuclear weapons. But these men had God, AR-15s with extended magazines, and a Constitutional right to kick some liberal ass.

-QUIT SMOKING (I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…).

-Finally beat Michelle in a push up contest.

-Ask Boehner out for that beer. (Play it cool, man, you’re just a guy asking a guy out for a drink.)

-Get the Secret Service to creep out that boy who Malia claims is “just a friend.”

-Wake THE HELL UP  and deal with DREAM Act.

-Figure out if I should keep using Drones (maybe ask John McCain?).

-Don’t cry when Hillary leaves me.

-But maybe actually finish putting together my cabinet.

-Get Biden back for that toilet saran wrap practical joke (note: call in Clooney if needed).

-Cultivate rock star image (idea: start band with Christie, call it The Executive Branch, or even better, The Bipartisans).

-Get America back to work! (Note: actually figure out HOW to get America back to work first.)

-Decrease devastating national tragedies by at least 25% in coming year, possibly through gun control?

-Learn what the hell a One Direction is and why Sasha is so into it.

-Maybe check in on that whole Affordable Care Act business and see how it’s progressing?

-Finally read How to Win Friends and Influence People and use new found knowledge to actually work with Congress.

-Capitalize on Bo’s Christmas decoration fame (maybe a Purina commercial or two?).

-Pick up the broken pieces of the economy after we fall over the fiscal cliff.

-Isn’t it about time for a second Nobel Peace Prize?

We get it, you know. We know that things are rough, what with the global economy and the fiscal cliff and partisanship and all those big, important words and numbers that never quite add up. Being a country of 300 million+ people is hard and complicated and there are so many little things that can go wrong and become big important things, but still:

WHAT THE FUCK?

Keeping children from being gunned down in school isn’t exactly a matter of budgets and ideology and political rhetoric and lobbies. Keeping your citizens safe is basically your most central and important job and you are failing. A big giant FAIL that’s way worse, we assure you, than any drop in credit rating.

But let’s back up. Come at this from a better angle. Let’s break this down for you, simply, because that appears to be the only way you can digest information.

Limited to no access to mental health care + easy access to guns=massacres. For examples, please see:

• The July 20^th shooting at The Dark Knight Rises premiere in Aurora, Colorado;
• The August 5^th shooting at a Sikh temple in Wisconsin;
• The September 27^th shooting at Accent Signage Systems in Minneapolis;
• The December 11^th, shooting in Clackmas Town Center, Oregon;
• Friday’s shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary (which is what of course prompted us to write you).

There were actually a bunch more in the earlier half of 2012, but we’ll leave it at that.

And we know what y’all out there are thinking. It’s so OBVIOUS, duh! It’s not that we need to worry about mental health (because, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get OVER your depression already!) and we certainly don’t need MORE gun control. What we need to prevent more people from taking more guns and slaughtering more people are MORE guns. Just think: if only one of the teachers had had a gun, they would have been able to shoot him in the head in a jiffy and still get the kids to art class on time. Just a gentle reminder, America, but real life is not actually a movie. Not all elementary schools are lucky enough to have Arnold Schwarzenegger as their Kindergarten Cop.

Now a word, America, to your gently morally superior argument that we should be mourning. “Have some respect, already! Don’t politicize the issue so soon!” Okay, well just excuse us a sec while we inform all medical researchers to stop finding a cure for cancer, because someone died of that today and we should be mourning instead of productively working for a solution.

So, yeah, we’ll probably be talking about gun control. Like, RIGHT NOW. So maybe get on that. For instance, maybe question why the shooter’s mother was stockpiling semi-automatic weapons like Doomsday was near? Why are Americans allowed to own a Bushmaster .233 caliber assault rifle that was originally designed for military snipers? Why people even think they NEED weapons designed for the sole purpose of taking another human life? Also, perhaps, just a little concern, given ALL of the prior shootings in 2012: why no one was even a little concerned about gun control in the last election? It was all “Romney was a bully in high school!” And “look, Joe Biden made an accidental awkward slavery reference to a primarily black crowd!” Not, you know, “oh look there are terrible things happening all over the country, we’re putting people’s lives in danger just so we can hand out guns like they’re candy!”

Also, can we talk for a second about autism? Autism is a potentially serious neural developmental disorder affecting millions of Americans and their families. Autism DOES NOT make people plan out and execute a massacre of 20 innocent children and seven adults. Just because the shooter’s brother likes to throw around the word autistic like it’s an everyday character trait and not a diagnosis, doesn’t mean that Adam Lanza was driven to kill 27 people because he was autistic.

Now, to address your news media. Guys, seriously? We get it. A news story this big is a good old pay day for you. If nothing happens in the world, your families would starve. You need your bread buttered somewhere and as sad as it is, no one’s going to tune in on a Saturday just because Hillary Clinton fainted. But really? Chasing down traumatized 5-year-olds for interviews? Advertising your superior coverage of the tragedy with a clip of terrified children and another of the president in tears?  Trying to break news before anyone else, whether or not you had enough proof that it was even true yet? Being SO quick to break the news that you actually accused Ryan Lanza of committing the horrible massacre carried out by his younger brother, prompting death threats? You’re supposed to be serious journalists covering a horrific tragedy, not contestants on The Amazing Race.

We know it’s a lot to process and we don’t really offer much in the way of specific guidance. Consider this a nice slap across the face to end your second amendment loving hysteria. Because, seriously, it is totally fucking unacceptable that any of this is even real and not just on an episode of Criminal Minds.

Sincerely,

The Gabbler

In an official statement issued today, the State department listed several reasons for the new advisory, citing the recent mass shootings in Aurora, Colorado, Oak Creek, Wisconsin, and Brookfield, Wisconsin.

The statement also discussed the role that the presidential election has played in the department’s decision.

“Both candidates’ refusal to take a stance on the issue of gun control in the last debate signaled that mass shootings could potentially be an issue for the American people for some time,” the statement said.

Another factor contributing to the State Department’s decision was the divisive atmosphere surrounding the current election.

“Several Tweets with the hashtag ‘If Obama Don’t Win’ have expressed plans to riot, should Governor Romney win the election. Such plans have created a potentially volatile election environment,” the statement continued.

The State Department has advised citizens to remain in their private residences and if forced to travel to public spaces, to do so with the appropriate protective safety gear, such as bulletproof vests. Unfortunately, they were unable to give a specific date that they expect the travel warning to be lifted.