This government shutdown may be over, but the Tea Party that caused it isn’t.

If only the events played out how the New York Times originally reported the raid in Somalia.

Joe Six-Pack: Hey. Which game?

JSP: Down to my level?

TG: You know, I’m trying to relate. Break it down so that the average blue-blooded Joe Six-Pack can understand. ‘MURICA!

JSP: So you really believe that the only thing I can talk about or relate to is football?

TG: Honestly? We just wanted to hear more about the man behind the cardboard container of beer attached to his hip. We want to know who you are, what you’re thinking about, and how all of the things going down in the US affects you. In fact, I brought along a six-pack with me right now! I figure we’ll crack open a few of these babies and just let it all hang out, you know?

JSP: Yeah. I mean, everyone was all, “Joe Six-Pack this, Joe Six-Pack that” and I realized that being associated with a six pack of beer was probably a sign that I was drinking way too much. It was a rough time. My cousin, Joe the Plumber, was the one who really benefited from all the spotlight, not me. Plus, I obviously wasn’t thinking clearly if I didn’t have the sense to tell that Palin woman to go to hell when she kept referring to me during their campaign speeches.

TG: What? No, don’t! I’m sure you at least went to community college, right?

JSP: Yes, you do. You think I’m a cheap-beer guzzling, football watching, frozen meal eating, working class American with a salary under $100,000 whose only true loves are barbeque meats and my flat screen HDTV.

JSP: Exactly.

TG: Wow, we really do have something in common!

JSP: Look, I used to be much more hard-headed about things. I see that in you and I want to help.

TG: Me? Hard-headed? You’re the one who hates women and blacks and gays and helping people!

JSP: When in the heck did I ever say that? Look, just because I vote Republican doesn’t make me an evil person. I realize that some Republicans are bible-hugging morons or bigots, but there are plenty of Democrats who are just as awful people.

TG: So if a gay dude hit on you, what would you do?

JSP: What?

TG: Just answer the question. Gut reaction. Gay dude tries to make out with you. What do you do?

JSP: I don’t think anyone, gay or straight, just walks up to a person and tries to make out with them without even speaking to them. That’s like sexual assault or something.

TG: So would you punch him?

JSP: I’m about to punch you, honestly.

TG: I see. And how often do you hit your wife?

JSP: WHAT? Never! Look, I don’t care about whether gay marriage should be legal or not. Also, I don’t hate women. That’s not why I vote Republican.

TG: Okay, so what’s your opinion of this whole government shutdown thing?

TG: Even Republicans?

JSP: Even Republicans.

Dear D.C. Tourist,

Welcome to our nation’s capital, home to the World’s Greatest Democracy! Unfortunately, our government, envied the world over for its ideals of freedom and justice, is having a minor shutdown due to Congress’s inability to pass a budget for the next fiscal year.

For you, this means your trip to D.C. will be a unique one! First, all non-essential services, like national museums, monuments, and Washington D.C. garbage pick-up, will be suspended for the entirety of the shutdown. Second, expect large crowds at all open businesses, as millions of non-essential government workers are enjoying a nice vacation as a result of the shutdown.

To enhance your stay, here are a few things to keep in mind as you enjoy our incredible city and democracy during a government shutdown.

1. Come shutdown’s opening days! Once the garbage overtakes the streets, we can’t guarantee pedestrian safety. And no one from the Center for Disease control is around to help you identify which strain of rabies the raccoons gave you.
2. Even open air monuments will be closed. Seriously, step away from Mr. Lincoln. The National Guard is still on the payroll and we’re not afraid to use them.
3. We’re still happy to take your money! Free enterprise doesn’t buckle to government pressure! Feel free to enjoy our privately owned museums, like the Newseum and the National Geographic Museum while you’re here. Perhaps the Newseum will have an explanation for the Fox News bizarre reports that House Democrats are the ones refusing to negotiate the budget.
4. Government shutdowns bring a certain electricity to the air, so maybe use all your free time away from the museums and monuments to meet that special someone With nothing really open, you’ll mostly be at hotels, and all that sexy political talk about elected officials shrinking responsibilities for crimes of passion should make for some rough and dirty hotel room loving. Remember, Bill Clinton met Monica Lewinsky during the last shutdown.
5. Don’t worry, our Congress is still hard at work and getting paid throughout the shutdown, so they’ll probably figure out things soon! After all, passing a budget is literally their ONLY Constitutionally mandated annual duty.

We apologize for the smell and the loss of the Smithsonian panda cam, but you’ll learn so much about the inner workings of our great democracy, which has existed as the world’s leading example of compromise between opposing parties for the sake of representative governance. Our nation’s capital is still proud to serve as a beacon of hope for America’s constituents, who bask in freedom and liberty, knowing their best interests are always well-represented by Congress.

Please feel free to discuss any issues or concerns you have with your travel companion, as most other helpful resources are likely to be deemed nonessential and furloughed for the entirety of the shutdown.

We hope you enjoy your time here in our amazing capital!

“This is a perfect compromise,” said Republican Senator Ted Cruz, handing out signed copies of Dr. Seuss’s Green Eggs and Ham to a gaggle of celebrating Tea Party supporters. “It allows us to tell voters we repealed the job-killing socialist scourge that is Obamacare, without touching the free market foundation of the ACA, which in truth we all know will be good for the well-being of both the economy and our constituents.”

The compromise came following a recent CNBC poll, which found a discrepancy between Americans’ support for Obamacare versus the Affordable Care Act, with some opposing the bill when referred to by its nickname, but not by the original title of the bill.

“I just don’t agree with the whole Obamacare policy thing that’s going on, I just don’t agree with it,” said a pedestrian interviewed by Jimmy Kimmel, after declaring her support for the Affordable Care Act.