The untimely death of Michael Hastings has rocked the journalist community, causing many to ask, “What if it had been me?” Well first of all, we just want to emphasize that Hastings died as the result of his own poor driving skills. Again, the crash was almost certainly and completely his fault. Witnesses estimated that his car was traveling over 100 mph and he veered into a tree without even braking. Who does that? Michael Hastings, that’s who. That’s absolutely who. No one else could possibly be held responsible. To prevent you from making his same mistakes, we’ve prepared this simple how to guide to keep you alive as you go about your daily life.

• Travel Safely. We know those flashy Mercedes with OnStar look pretty and have great pick-up but do you know what’s also pretty? An ’88 standard Toyota Corolla complete without an on board computer, GPS location monitoring, or even cruise control. There is absolutely no way to cyber-attack an ’88 Corolla, because it’s pretty much pre-cyber age. Which is important, not because we’re worried about the FBI cyber car-jacking you, because, we just want to reiterate for all those FBI agents reading this guide, we do not think that the FBI was in any way involved in the death of Hastings. But you know, an ’88 Corolla’s great because without any cruise control you’ll be less tempted to go obscene speeds down city streets, of your own free will because the FBI does NOT attack journalists.
• Stay away from drugs and alcohol. Let’s be honest. Drugs and alcohol lead to a lot of untimely deaths. Just look at Cory Monteith. And even if you get over them, as Hastings did, and stay sober for a decade or more, they do tend to discount any conspiracy theories involving your potential murder via car crash. Not that anyone’s been murdered via car crash, lately. We are not saying that at all.
• As a journalist, don’t stir the pot too much. Listen, we all know the pot has weapons and advanced technology that can come after you. The pot also has control over the investigation of your death and can get you cremated against your family’s wishes. Not that the pot would do that. But, anyway, why look too deeply to find a story? That’s not what the American population wants to know! They want to know if there’s a chance that Barack Obama wasn’t born in America. They want to know if Mitt Romney was a terrible, bullying teenager. They want to know if Chris Christie lost a ton of weight to prepare for a presidential run, instead of for the silly reason that he has a wife and children who he would like to stay alive for. These are the stories that need to be investigated, not that whole NSA debacle. Actually, Edward Snowden’s creepy girlfriend is a pretty good angle, if you did want to cover spying in America.
• Don’t rock the boat. Just another reminder. The boat has weapons. Not that they would use them. But if they did, you would be dead and no one would know why or how. So, just remember, the following: The Democratic Party is the liberal, anti-war party. They would never spy on you! And the Republicans, they’re too busy spouting off silly Bible verse and sexist sayings to come after you. So just focus on that. Be sure to never, ever allude to a “war on journalists,” or encourage the media to fight back against government censorship. Also, be sure to divulge all sources at the first sign of a police investigation. You don’t want to go to jail, do you? Jail is a great place for your completely accidental, untimely death! And remember, if you’re getting death threats as a journalist, you’re doing something wrong!
• If you’re worried, maybe it’s best to just get out of the country for a bit. Get away. Take a trip. Cover a war zone. Interview a dictator. You know, go to a safe place until the hype dies down.

Mueller began by detailing the three attacks. In one, Air Force Two, carrying the Vice President, was approaching a landing strip in Santa Barbara when the plane was hit by birds. Luckily, the plane landed successfully and according to official reports, the plane was never in any significant danger of crashing. However, according to Mueller, Vice President Biden was forced to ride home in a different plane, “to keep the terrorist birds from trailing him back to D.C.” A second strike occurred in a flight carrying Hillary Clinton between Brussels and Paris. No one was harmed, and the birds were not discovered until the plane landed in Paris. Mueller was even more disturbed by this attack, as “it means that they’re attacking senior American officials as far away as Europe.” The final bird strike resulted in the emergency landing of a Delta passenger plane at JFK Airport. “This strike was by far the most severe and most successful of the three. The birds flew straight into the plane’s turbine, causing the engine to fail and the passenger cabin to fill up with smoke,” Mueller said.

Mueller continued to explain that the investigation is in the beginning stages.

“We are still unsure whether the birds are being trained by an existent terrorist organization or are acting of their own free will, but we are 100 percent certain that these bird strikes represent a carefully orchestrated terrorist strike against American citizens and top government officials,” Mueller told reporters.

However, the FBI has managed to collect information to suggest that this simultaneous attack of three airplanes is a buildup of decades worth of activity. “The number of bird strikes has more than quadrupled since 1990, killing hundreds of people. Are we really supposed to believe that there are no terrorists behind such an incredible increase in attacks?” Mueller asked.

The FBI hopes to release a preliminary report in six months’ time, detailing the extent of the terrorist bird threat and suggesting possible security and defense measures that could be taken to prevent future attacks.